Where did I go? Who am I now?

I can't believe it's been so long since I was here. Life has a way of moving fast and leaving you behind sometimes. So much has happened and I was so happy to read through some of my old posts today and see who I was and what I thought was happening. It's all been quite different than I expected.

I think I had visions of being able to keep up with my writing while my dad suffered from colon cancer and while I was starting nursing school. It didn't work out that way.

Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of Steve's death and I found myself reflecting a lot. It made me think of how much I loved coming here and sorting out the mess in my head. March 7th will be the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. I miss him so much. I hear his laugh in my mind sometimes and I ache to hear it in real life.

Nursing school is fascinating and so much more than I imagined. It's really scary and difficult sometimes, but everyday I am reminded of how precious life is and it's such a gift to think that way. I have done so many things - unimaginable things, and I've gained so much confidence in who I am and what I am meant to be doing. One of the things I have been reflecting on is my expectations and how different reality is. It doesn't matter what I am doing day to day, the way I imagine it in my head is nothing like the way it turns out.

I wrote a book once. In it one of the main characters died. I imagined what it would be like from movies I had seen and I wrote it as honestly as I could. I wondered what it would be like to see someone die for real. I wondered, going into nursing, who would be my first. Turned out my first was my dad. It was so much different than I had imagined.

When he was diagnosed with cancer I wrote a blog about how he had gone from being a gale force wind to only a whisper through his illness. Death is much like that only the whisper disappears too. I can now somewhat see the comparison to a candle flame going out. Only his life was more like a bonfire. People gathered around laughing all the time, partying and enjoying the flames as they rose higher and higher.

In those last moments I was amazed how he found the words and energy to say goodbye to each of us. The way he looked at me and thanked me is something I will treasure forever. His last moments were human, nothing can compare.

As I go through my clinicals in different hospitals with different nurses, one thing that stands out is the "job" part. So many of the nurses I have met have done this for so long they are no longer amazed. They can see their job, what they need to accomplish but I fear they have lost the empathy of the human experience that reminds us that every part of being sick touches the very deepest core of our being. We are vulnerable. We are scared. And we need help. I am so blessed to be able to offer that help. To touch peoples lives.

I can still see through my excitement of watching a persons chest be cut open in an emergency clam shell thoracotomy, that a person - a human being lies beneath all of the people trying to "work". Someone's son, father, brother, husband - whether we save him or not, his life and ours will have forever touched even for the briefest moment. And I either helped or I didn't and then the moment has passed and I am unable to go back to change it.

Nurses are amazing people. It is an amazing job. The group I am studying with are all so diverse and interesting. They are incredibly smart and I am so lucky to be learning from each of them. I know they will all touch a million lives and make a huge difference with the people they help. This has been an unforgettable ride and I have stopped trying to imagine what the day will bring. I am focused instead on being present in anticipation of things I could never conceive.

Musical Lessons

I'm not sure if it's God or my Guardian Angel who speaks to me through music. It may sound crazy but it happens all the time. I'll be feeling blue and thinking of someone and I'll get into the car and turn on the radio and the song that's playing is one that reminds me specifically of that person. Or someone will send me a song, or post one to facebook and it will be the exact song I needed to hear at that moment. Does this happen to everyone?

I've been in a tailspin. Sort of clinging to the edge. Trying everything to settle myself with no real progress. I have spent most of my adult life trying to control everything. I'm not comfortable with the constant spin or roller coaster that is life. I fight against it, constantly. I fool myself on a regular basis into thinking I can control things only to be slapped with reality again. The best laid plans are often met with CHANGES completely out of our control. IT'S REALLY IRRITATING!

So last night a good friend, who I don't see nearly enough, sent me a text with loving words and a song she wanted me to listen to. The song is Blessings by Laura Story.

One of the things I've been trying, to help center myself, is running everyday. I'm only doing about 2 1/2 miles but if you know my neighborhood it's a SICK 2 1/2 miles. I CANT actually RUN the whole thing. The hills are too steep. But someday- I'm going to beat these damn hills.

Anyway- this morning before my run I downloaded Blessings and listened to it while I ran. I had it on random so it came on at the exact moment when I was struggling up a hill and cussing because it's TOO DAMN HARD. I loved the song and it settled me right down. I had a little vision in my head of my Guardian Angel carrying me up that hill. It brought me the first moment of peace I've had in a while.

The next song to come on was Jimmy Buffett Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.

Huh... DUH!

Breathe in, breathe out, MOVE ON!

I had a thought come into my head about my patterns. Throughout my life when things get tough, I shut down. Retreat into myself. Try to position myself with my back against a wall facing all the hard things with my fists up to fight them off. Trust is a hard thing for me. I can't give anything over because I don't think anyone will handle it better than me. If I keep all the balls there isn't anyone to blame but myself when it all goes to hell. No one needs to have my back because I've got my wall to protect me.

My next thought was in Dr. Phil's voice, "Well how's that working for ya?"

If my current sleeping pattern is any sign, it isn't working for shit.

So what does it all mean? I have no idea. I AM trying to give up control. I AM trying to let people help me. I AM trying to make plans knowing full well, how it all turns out is not in my control. My current plan is to count my Blessings, and Breathe In, Breathe out and Move on.

Thank you Tara.

The Abyss

From his bed this morning at 8:00am he spoke quietly, “Thank you for everything. I love you.” While I cried and hugged him. I told him to be strong and he promised he would.

My dad thinks he’s lost his dignity but I strongly disagree. He may have lost his modesty but not his dignity. In 2 short months my dad has gone from being a gale force wind to only a whisper. He’s lost 60+ pounds. He cannot stand on his own. We lift him to his feet where he locks his knees and somehow manages to stay upright with what seems to be only bones and ligaments and help from a trusty walker. He needs our help with even the most personal things. For a man like my dad, I can’t imagine what that’s like for him. I can‘t imagine what‘s going through his mind.

When we took him from the hospital two weeks ago, we had no idea what we were facing. My sister and I wheeled him out to the car with the naive idea that we could lift him into the car. We tried twice, leaving us the second time with his back on the passenger seat and his butt and legs falling out of the car towards the ground. I held him there precariously hoping and praying he wouldn’t end up on the street. A man walking by saw us and came to help. So completely unprepared, we drove away.

The last two weeks have been hard to handle. I know so many people go through the same things with their parents sooner or later but when it happens it’s such a shock. As one doctor said this week, “They take you to the edge of the abyss and then they snatch you back. Take you to the edge again, dangle you over and then they snatch you back.” He was talking about my dad’s Chemo but the feeling is universal for the caretakers. We slowly unravel trying desperately to make rational decisions and find some sort of footing when everything seems to be crumbling out from underneath us.

I am lucky to have my brother and sister. I cannot imagine doing any of this alone. If we can somehow bind together our strength, time and love, we may find a way to make this work. If we could just hand over that strength, time and love to our dad, we’d be in a much better situation.

He is fighting a very tough battle and as much as we’d like to help him fight, in many ways he’s on his own. Always with thoughts of life and how precarious and precious it is, we stand beside him. I wish for him many more moments of happiness. Fireworks and laughter. Great food. Great Music. Moments of peace, free from pain and concern. I hope that his heart is filled with the love his family has for him. I hope he feels our determination to help him through this horrible time. Be strong. Be positive. We love you and we'll see you soon.

ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Writing is the one thing that keeps me sane. It’s my own private therapy. I’ve only been to actual therapy once in my life and I wasn’t a big fan. Didn’t really seem like that person was invested in anything except pointing fingers and taking my check. For me, working it out through the words I write, edit and delete on the page seems to help more. And so, I write.

My dad has cancer. Not a sissy kind, (is there a sissy kind?) A big, bad scary kind. Two weeks ago, he had a seizure, which lead to a hospital stay, which lead to a diagnosis of Stage Four Colon Cancer. It is now in his colon, liver, lungs and brain. Well, hopefully not in his brain anymore. Last Thursday he did radiation. CyberKnife radiation which hits each tumor directly and has a 90% success rate. I hope, it’s not in his brain anymore.

He is also doing Chemotherapy. They put in a medi-port and are administering the Chemo for 48 hours every two weeks. The first round wasn’t too bad, he didn’t get sick. His mouth was a little sore but that was it. He’s taking the second round right now. There is a weird side effect with this type of Chemo, where he will be affected by cold. The doctor said he won’t be able to drink anything cold or even touch anything cold without having it physically hurt. He told me today that side effect has started.

This whole thing has been really hard for me to understand. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that anything would ever happen to him. I guess I always saw my dad as larger than life. We haven’t always got along great. But when I reflect on that, my hurt and anger was always about not having more of him, and instead of making that happen, I shut down and shut him out and now… now I have regrets.

I love my dad and I know he loves me. That’s all that really matters. He’s taught me a lot. He’s taught me how to whistle. And I can whistle REALLY loud. He taught me how to cook, and I’m a REALLY good cook and he taught me the love of the sale, even if it’s just selling your point. I love to argue. I think I can turn people to my way of thinking.

Selling something is just getting your way and getting paid for it. I’ve had many a moment in a car, right after you leave a business and you know you’ve got them in the bag, and you turn up the radio REALLY loud and sing your ass off, because NO ONE is as AWESOME as you are at that moment. I got that from my dad.

We have a tough road ahead. I find it ironic that I want to be a nurse and have often spoke about working in oncology and now my dad has cancer. Fucking Funny how life works, huh? I’ve put off school for the summer. I just want to spend time with him, I want my kids to spend time with him. I hope he can teach them how to whistle, and to cook. I want to put all of the damned regrets aside.

The Jackson’s have been called many things, one of the nicer one’s is that we’re stubborn. We are also fighters. Sometimes, not in the best way, but we don’t let the shit get us down. I am a Jackson. “ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM!” I think I learned that phrase when I was about 10. It’s Latin and it means don’t let the bastards get you down. Well the bastard is cancer, and it’s time to fight like a Jackson. I love you, Dad.

Just a whisper

I believe strongly that when a theme presents itself to you in the Universe over and over again, there is a reason. I think it's God gently trying to guide our lives in the proper direction. Sometimes it's a whisper so faint you nearly miss it. Other times it presents itself as loud and obvious as Thunder and Lightning.


This week was Spring Break for the kids. We decided to have a stay-cation. DH took the week off so we were just going to do fun stuff around town. The week started with Thunder and Lightning. I have a friend who I haven't seen much in the past 10 years. We used to work together in a very VERY small office. It was just the two of us who worked for our company in Colorado Springs. Because of our close, isolated circumstances we got to know each other very well. Even though I haven't seen her much, we've stayed in contact through Facebook and I do consider her a friend.


Last October, her two year old fell into a swimming pool and nearly drown. I have read every update and stayed ever present in her situation. I took the situation, as tragic as it was, as a reason to stay more focused on my own kids. To be ever present in their lives and to keep the thought that everything can change in an instant in the forefront of my mind. Appreciate what you have!


Last weekend my same friend's sister was in a terrible car accident. The family was driving home from a vacation. Their 15 year old was driving and lost control of the car. The parents were ejected from the car and are in critical condition. Their 11 year old son was also ejected and sadly, perished. The only conscious member of the family is the 15 year old who was driving the car, and now, he has this terrible burden to carry.


Once again I am reminded, everything can change in an instant. We are not in control, and as much as we would like to keep our family safe, we simply can't. There are risks, every day. We can not possibly shelter them from every one. We must put our trust in God and do the one thing we can... be grateful.


I spent the week with my own family doing as many fun and fabulous things as we could wrap up in a single week. I laughed at my kids and took many pictures, I listened to their stories and listened to them play with each other. We had a great week. But my friend and her family never left my mind. I want to help, but how?


Running parallel in my life right now is my search for a new plan. I've written about my balance between being a mother and finding work. About feeling inadequate after not working for ten years. I decided a few weeks ago that I'd like to go back to school and get my RN. I have been researching schools and programs and trying to find the right one. Although I am eligible for an accelerated program, because I already have a degree, the pace is too much for my balance. I am starting this summer and plan to take it slow and steady. It should take me no more than three years.


I believe there have been many signs pointing me in this direction. I understand tragedy and have lived through a few myself. I find myself in a painful situation when I know there is nothing I can do to help. I find people's stories so fascinating. Everyone has one and sometimes the story which feels at the time like an ending, only opens you up to a whole new beginning. I realize working as an RN you aren't privy to the end of the story. Many times you have no idea what happens after they leave you but this is, at the very least, a way I think I can help. This is a way, that for the briefest moment, I can be a part of their stories.


In the next few years I will be blogging about being a student again at (cough) 40. I will write about balancing my life moving forward with my job as mother to my kids. But mostly I will remember always to stay focused on the good things in life, because whether you are brave enough to admit it, or to stand in the face of it, everything can change in an instant.

Just another day in the life...

We've always thought we have the best driveway ever for sledding. It heads downhill from the street and goes into the grass for about 3feet before hitting a line of trees. The kids have sled down this hill hundreds of times. This last Sunday, the kids bundled up and headed out. I stood at the kitchen window watching them for a couple of minutes, making myself a cup of hot tea. When my tea was done, I headed up to the loft to do some writing. I barely made it up the stairs before my son hit the backdoor screaming. My 7 year old daughter hit the 6inch retaining wall to the left of the driveway.

I ran down the stairs to find my bleeding daughter on all fours in the garage. She didn't want to come in the house because she was bleeding so bad. I grabbed a sweatshirt off the floor and put it on her head and got her into the bathroom. My husband and I took one look at the giant gash on her forehead and knew she needed stitches. I honestly haven't ever seen anything so bad.

A strange calm took over me. I knew we needed to move to the next step. I called my BFF's husband who is our doctor. He told me to bring her over. I knew as long as I got her over to his house, we'd be okay. He would take care of the rest. I loaded us up in the car. Husband in the backseat applying pressure. My son, completely freaked out, he knew she was going to hit the wall and he yelled her name. She looked up just in time to catch the edge right between the eyes. He thought it was somehow his fault.

When we got to my friends house the Doctor took over. He drove us to his office. I was probably the most scared in the car. My daughter started vomiting and saying she couldn't breath. She was also having a hard time keeping her eyes open, as if she'd just fall asleep. I was sure she had a concussion and we'd be heading for the emergency room. My Doctor stayed calm and talked to my baby calmly telling her how to breath until she got control again. At the office he checked her out thoroughly and told me it probably wasn't a concussion it was just the adrenalin.

He then put somewhere around 25 stitches in her head, but not before he showed me her skull and the artery she had just missed severing. Looking at my child's skull through a gaping wound in her head is not something I ever want to do again, but even through that part I remained calm. I knew we had done our best to take care of her. Somehow a mother's strength takes over in times like these. She needed us to take care of her and we did whatever it took to make sure she'd be okay. There simply wasn't any time or need to lose it, even though I may have wanted to.

This leads me to the second part of this post. I got the call for a second interview on the job I talked about last week. I have done a lot of soul searching this week, and talked to a lot of my friends about the situation. I've talked to both working mothers and stay home moms. I know I'd be great at this job. It's selling advertising which is something I've done successfully in the past. I think the company is a sound one, and their publication is something I can see value in.

The question I have to ask myself is whether I really want a job. My kids are still so young and after this weekend, I know very clearly they still need me. One of my friends, who I was soliciting advice from said, she wants to be around her kids as long as they want her to be around. This really stuck with me. It won't last forever and that's something I have to face as a mother. Someday, they won't want me to be in their daily lives. If we are doing our jobs properly, not only will they become successful and productive, but they'll want to be independent of us. But what does that mean for me?

I'm going to the second interview. I want to know more about the position and the company. I know they are hoping to hire someone full time for base plus a commission. I asked on the phone if they were willing to consider a commission only position with more flexibility on the hours. I'm not sure where they stand on that possibility, but I'm willing to take it as far as I can.

I am one of the lucky one's and I'm very aware of that. I don't have to get a job. DH goes to work everyday, traveling away from his family way more than he wants to, just so I can stay home with the kids. I know we could always use more money. Retirement would come a lot quicker for DH if I contributed financially, and I know I want to do that for him, but after this weekend I know, I won't take a full time position yet. I want to be around my kids as long as they want me.

I am so lucky to have had the last ten years with them. They are turning into incredible people, who I truly enjoy being around. I know if I continue my search and keep my mind open and think creatively, I will find the perfect part time position. That way I can contribute more to the husband who deserves a break, without taking anything away from my kids who actually still want me around.

Job Posting: Manager of Magical Creatures

When I decided to stay home with my kids it was a mutual decision. Actually, DH asked me to stay home when Nick was born. He asked me to give it 6 months. I never thought I'd make it. I loved working. I found my personality was a perfect fit for sales and my last job was a real joy. My boss actually offered me a promotion to sales manager when I was 9 months pregnant. He was hoping I would come back.

I didn't, and 6 months has turned into 10 years. It went by in the blink of an eye. I would be lying if I said every single moment was met with joy and wonderment. Some moments were REALLY boring. Lots of moments tested every ounce of my patience. Housework is so unfulfilling. Each task is something that will have to be redone in a very short time, with young kids in the house it's a very, VERY short time.

But the times that are fulfilling- when they start to walk, or chase the dog around the island with their push toy laughing like a lunatic. When they call your name or in Nick's case say "tree"- his first word other than mama and dada. When they ask you a million times in one day to "uppie me"- Melanie- when they fall asleep in your lap, or when they are sick and only you can wipe their sore, snotty noses. Those times make it so worthwhile. More worthwhile than ANYthing I could have been doing the last ten years.

I think we have been happy. I know my role is under appreciated. The kids don't know what it's like to have to go to daycare everyday and when we pass by the Kindercare building they think it looks like a lot of fun.

My DH caught me mopping the floor recently and said to me, "I didn't know you did that." I responded in my normally snarky way with, "Who did you think did it, the f%&king fairies?" I'm still not sure who he thought had been doing it for the last 10 years, but maybe if I'd made it clear it was me he would have appreciated my role more.

I know many women in my position who have felt the same way. It's difficult for men to appreciate what we do around the house. They think the kids raise themselves and that magical creatures pick their underwear off the floor and make sure it somehow ends up clean and back in their drawers. But I know what I've done for all three of them, the last ten years, has made a difference in who they will become as adults. Especially, DH.

We are at a crossroads... I have an interview, on Thursday, for a job I know I would be good at. I know bringing in an income will help me to feel more valuable. My kids won't be kids forever, and I have to keep my skills up so I can do something when they no longer need me. I remember the feeling of having other people validate your work. It feels great. Not to mention, actually receiving a paycheck for your trouble.

But I don't just want to get a job. This feels like an opportunity. An opportunity to reinvent myself. I know I can do anything I want to, and I'm not in the position where I have to take a job if it doesn't feel like the right fit. I want to do something I'm good at, something that matters to me. I want to wake up feeling excited to go to work, so it's not so hard to leave the kids.

I am a different person than I was 10 years ago. My priorities are different. I'm not sure I'm as motivated by money as I was in my 20's. Now, I'm more motivated by a sense of accomplishment. I think I'm more focused, probably more reliable, and definitely more confident. Heck, who wouldn't want to hire me? I can motivate fairies to mop floors and I'm an expert at managing magical creatures. I think I'll go add those things to my resume.

New Years Resolution 2011

"It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life." GreenDay

This is my New Years Resolution. I don't like resolutions. Too many of them revolve around basic things we should be doing anyway. They don't make us grow as human beings, they don't change our lives, they're simple things that are easy to let go by about mid-February.

Yes, I need to get back to my workout schedule. I like to fit in my clothes better. I shouldn't eat so much sugar, or butter, but that's not my resolution.

I should write more. Writing makes me happy- BUT WAIT! That's it!!! My New Years Resolution is to be happier!

I resolve to do something that makes me happy, everyday. I believe in the kind of Karma that Energy creates like Energy. If I am happier, the people around me will be happier too. I remember when I was a kid. My parents labeled me as "the moody one." Well guess what? The second someone calls you, moody or grumpy, you feel MOODY AND GRUMPY!

I don't really think I am the moody one. I think on most occasions I am looking for the bright side. Sometimes it's hard to find. And once in a while, I break down and am a real GRUMP. But when I'm grumpy, my kids are grumpy too.

Life is short.

I am reminded of this every year at this time. I remember our last Christmas with Steve. Lisa, Steve, Wade and I went to The Famous in Colorado Springs for dinner. The food was fabulous and we had a great time. But, I wonder, if we had known it was our last time out as couples, would we have done some things different? Would we have danced in the streets? Would we have stayed out really late? Would we have had more meaningful conversations about how much we appreciated each other?

Well, why the HELL aren't we doing that more often, now?

I want everyone to be able to say at the end of my days, she had the time of her life. We owe it to ourselves and to our God to make the most of this life we have been given. If you aren't happy, change it. If you aren't doing something you love, change it. The worst saying of 2010- "It is what it is." I call BULLSHIT! It is what you make it.

I know bad things happen. They happen in the blink of an eye and everything you've ever known is changed. When we know the lows are going to be really low, why are we not striving to make the highs REALLY HIGH?

"Hey. Come on try a little. Nothing is forever. there's got to be something better than in the middle." Wallflowers

I don't want to be in the middle of life. Doing okay. I'm just fine, thanks. And how are you?

I call BULLSHIT. Make an impact in your own life. Make a difference. Do something you love or at the very least, do something that makes you happy.

Butter and sugar make me happy. I guess they are back on the list for 2011. Oh well, running makes me happy too.

From the PRESIDENT's desk

It was a tight race but I am this years PTO President and Smarty Pants is the VP, Lord help them! Actually, no one ran against us... but it would have been a hell of a fight. I am a little disappointed I didn't get to give my speech. I was going to wrap it up by singing "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

My first order of business is to keep SP from making anyone cry. At least for the first few months. I know it's a tall order but I'm serious about this new gig.

Actually, I have been giving some thought to school improvement and I wanted to sort some things out on the Blog before I present them in the PTO meeting.

The first is an Enrichment class I've been thinking about. It's called Survivor Student. We take 30 some kids and put them through vigorous challenges... like standing on a street corner, twirling a "Will Work For Food" sign. The students will have to write a resume to get off the corner. Points will be given for choreography of the twirling, correct spelling and grammar on the resume, as well as how much money they collect while on the corner.

Or something simple like putting together a puzzle of the US. For every state in the incorrect place we'll give them a little zap from one of those dog collars. If it can teach a dog to stay off the sofa, I think it might work wonders for Geography.

Every week the kid who cries gets voted off, by the end of six weeks whoever is left becomes Student Council President.

The next improvement I've been thinking about is more for the teachers. I think they should pick the kid out of the class who is... let's say... acting inappropriately, give him a shirt with his name on it, and send him out to wash all the teacher's cars during lunch. It's sort of a reality check mixed in with some teacher appreciation. Really killing two birds with one stone...

Last... and this one is the BEST... is for parents who like to complain but don't ever help out. I'd like to put together a simple list of consequences for bad behavior. The first time you complain about something, you will be asked to help out by monitoring the students washing the cars- and you will be issued a dog collar. The second time you complain... zap. AND, if you are stupid enough to complain a third time after being zapped with a dog collar, you will be voted off the island and asked to find a charter school.

See, I'm gonna make a GREAT PTO President! Ideas for the Enrichment class can be submitted as a comment. Any complaints about this Blog should be sent to SP, but not until she's back from buying a handful of dog collars.

January 2009

Just found this in my archives... I wrote it in January 2009 and never posted it. Now I think it's funny and I want to share!


Aphorism: a concise statement of general truth

And so today another day...
The vultures flock above my head
And question whether not I'm dead

But as I drink my bottle o'wine
I am sure it's a healthful sign

That my breathing seems to repeat
And my heart keeps up it's beat

But for now I'll dance a jig
After one more tasty swig

I'll ignore the doubtful twins
Who always notice all my sins

And keep my head about the rest
Hoping always for the best

Tottering slightly way up here
As I look around in fear

Realizing as I tottle
Down I fall into the bottle

Drowning in my own despise
I climb upon my own self-lies

To survive another day
I must learn to change my way

With the wine I can not win
So how about I try the gin

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of Steve's death. It is also his son's 13th birthday. I am at a loss for words today over a simple phone call and conversation which started last night.

The Victim's Advocate from Douglas County called and left Lisa a message. She said there was a motion before the court and she needed Lisa's opinion. We knew last night this was not good news.

This morning, Lisa spoke with her. It seems the kid who killed Steve is looking to get off probation early. The probation officer thinks he's done a fabulous job fulfilling all of his obligations and deserves to be let off early.

He only got two years probation. That's apparently too much time.

I'm finding it difficult to believe it's been almost two years. His actual date for being done is June 16th this year. The time between Steve's death and the sentence felt like 100 years - the time between his sentence and it almost being over, went by in the blink of an eye.

I felt so sad when he got sentenced. I wasn't sure that was justice. I was sad that all of our pain and grief was only allocated 24 months. Steve was dead, our lives were changed forever but I tried to see the other side. I knew the kid who caused the accident was injured, his life would be changed forever too... right?

After getting this phone call the day before the anniversary of his death I'm no longer sure what I feel. Does this family, the family of the kid, really think his sentence was too hard? Was it too inconvenient for them to just fulfill the sentence and let us all try and get on with our lives?

I feel like the least we can expect, from all of them -the family, the kid and the courts- is for him to do his two years like a man! Not to allow this motion to be put before the courts and to make Lisa have to withstand ANOTHER slap in the face!

Not to mention, it's all the day before she tries to celebrate her son's birthday and leave the fact that's it's also the day her husband was taken from her in the farthest place in her mind.

I'm glad he fulfilled his obligations so well the probation officer feels justified in letting him off early. It's good that he can do what's required of him, after all, not much was required.

It's been 18 months of probation-a blink of an eye. That's what Steve's life is worth to our justice system.

I know Lisa, almost better than I know myself. Although she is in pain today, she's crying and upset, she'll get over it. She'll find a way to see the bright side. She always does.

So tomorrow, we'll celebrate Jackson's birthday. We'll give him presents, eat his favorite foods, indulge in chocolate cake, and we'll try not too spend too much time dwelling on the fact that his father was taken from him - taken from all of us.

Till Death Do Us Part...

Last night I went to the annual Larkspur Mother's Group Christmas party. While the party was a huge success and a TON of fun, I found myself in an awkward situation.

We are at that age among our friends where divorce happens. I'm pretty sure the national average is still somewhere over 50%, so it's unavoidable that some of your friends are going to go through it. I have a couple of friends who have been recently divorced and some who are on the verge.

At the party last night, one of the gals who is on the verge began questioning me about my marriage. I found myself, oddly, defending my relationship. I have been trying to understand where she is coming from, where she is at in her life and what she feels is necessary for her to be a happy, whole person.

I honestly don't feel like I judge my friends when they decide to get divorced. No one can really know another person's situation. I feel very strongly, in all areas of life, that it's one's own business how you handle the tough choices. I have enough to worry about with the things that will actually affect my own life. No time to concern myself with other peoples situations. Not that I don't care! I want my friends to be happy, I just don't feel just in having an opinion when it comes to other peoples relationships.

Anyway, when I found myself in the hot seat, I don't think I was very good at conveying my viewpoint. I was caught off guard, and if for no other reason, I'd like to try again for my husband who deserves to know how I feel.

I by NO means have the perfect relationship. I have shed my share of tears over my husband. He has hurt my feelings, he is sometimes callous, and I definitely wish he were more outgoing. But...

I value my marriage and family. I say things sometimes like, "I think it's important to be married to someone who will take care of you when you're sick." Another friend last night said she could just hire a nurse. That's true but I didn't mean that's the ONLY reason!

I value the fact that I have someone who takes care of me because he loves me and wants the best for me. I know without a doubt, he would take a bullet for me, or beat down a nurse in a hospital to get me the best care. He would sacrifice our house and all of our possessions to make sure the kids or I are always taken care of.

I value the fact that he keeps a job he doesn't really love, traveling away from us and his home, to make sure I can stay home and take care of our kids. I can volunteer in their classes and pick them up from the bus, and be there for EVERY single thing they need because he makes this sacrifice.

I value the fact that I don't have to know ANYTHING about the bills. I don't enjoy that part of reality and even though he really wishes I would be more involved, he understands and takes care of all of it.

I value Wade's friendship. He is the closest person to me and in any situation I know if I need him, he has my back. I can tell him ANYTHING and even when he thinks I'm wrong he still at least tries to see my side of it.

I know what it's like to have a day so bad, you're not sure you will survive it. I value the fact that I have Wade to hold my hand and stand by my side and to lift me up off the kitchen floor when I don't think I can get up by myself.

I love, adore and am SERIOUSLY attracted to my husband! I value that!!! He thinks I am beautiful even when I've gained a few pounds. He's never said anything to me about how he wished I looked differently. He has never noticed my scars, paid any attention to my stretch marks, or remarked about my gray hair or wrinkles. If he has noticed ANY of those things, I surely don't know it.

I think marriage is hard. I think some days it's really REALLY hard, but more often than not I am truly happy. I know we are giving our kids stability and love. They see us fight sometimes, but they also see us make up. They see us kiss and love each other, and they see us laugh together. I value that because I don't come from that kind of a childhood.

I know how short life can be - sometimes shockingly short. I don't want to spend it with ANYONE other than Wade. He is my rock and the right person to balance out my weaknesses. I love you Wade. Thank you for everything.

Break a Leg

I haven't been writing much, we've been busy. First it was the Swine Flu, then they had fall break and then last week they were off for three days because of snow. I've played a TON of board games, made homemade play dough, painted fingernails, did arts and crafts, watched movies I've already seen a dozen times, went sledding and to the arcade, and baked everything I know how to bake. This week they finally went back to school, but they have tomorrow off for a teacher day. BLAGHHH!!

In between my job as child entertainer and short order cook, I've had a few other things going on. On July 4th I ran the Four on the Fourth in Palmer Lake, with some friends of mine. (I realize that was four months ago but there is a reason I'm starting that far back, hang in there...)

There was one guy with us who was a complete bully! He teased me and taunted me and bet me he would beat me. We'll call this man Joe...

I am sort of competitive, so when I lost sight of Joe within the first ten minutes of the run, I knew it would take all of my strength and determination to catch up to him. At some point in the race I hurt my leg. I felt it... it hurt bad... I kept running. I am blaming the fact that I kept running on Joe. My DH is thrilled with this because it means I'm not blaming it on him.

Anyway, four months later and my leg still hurts. I went out for a run with my kids during our three week hiatus from school. It was a VERY slow run, but my leg still hurt afterward. I am fed up with this. My darling friend and doctor told me it was basically a bruised bone and could take up to nine months to heal. I DON'T LIKE THIS ANSWER. I made an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon.

Smarty Pants asked what I expected out of this appointment. I told her I wanted the NFL option. If I were in the NFL what would you tell me. She answered, "They'd tell you it's time to retire."

We had to bench her for that comment. She could have at least said I needed a Medical Marijuana card.

The doctors appointment was today. I feel sort of silly going. I can walk just fine. It doesn't hurt at all unless I am running or jumping on it. The obvious answer is to stop running and jumping, but I've done that for the past four months. Now, I am depressed and gaining weight. THIS WILL NOT DO.

I walked into the doctors office in a fabulous mood. I was going to find out what was really wrong and figure out the fastest way to being back in my Asics. I bounced up to the receptionists desk, filled out the paperwork and skipped to the waiting area to sit down.

When I sat down I started to look around. The others in the room were NOT as skippy or happy as I was. They looked beat up! Two were in wheelchairs, two were on crutches and two small children had casts on their arms.

The lady sitting next to me did not have a cast on but was on crutches and had a terrible look of pain and regret across her unhappy little face. She looked like she was in SO much pain I wanted to offer her a bullet to bite on.

I began rummaging through my purse for something to offer her, but all I could find was Midol and some gum. I was going to offer them to her just as the nurse called her name. She struggled to get up balancing her crutches with her x-rays and her purse until the nurse finally came over to help her.

"Do you need some pain medication?" the nurse asked.

"No, I'm already on some," she answered. THIS look was medicated?? I'd hate to see her when it wears off!

Three other people left the waiting room before me, all with the assistance of a loved one or the nurse to push their wheelchair or help them maneuver the crutches. Other people came in while I was waiting too, all looking like they had been hit by a bus! One lady arrived in a wheelchair AND on oxygen! Her bone hurt so bad she couldn't even breathe!

When the doctor came out and called my name I remained in my seat for a second. I felt the panic coming over me. I knew as soon as I stood up everyone would judge me, "What the hell is she doing here? She's not even hurt!" I thought about faking a limp as I walked to meet him, but I couldn't even remember which leg I had hurt. What if I limped on the wrong leg?

I made it through the walk of shame and he led me back to the office. It turned out he was really nice. He was a runner and could understand my frustration. He marked my leg with a giant X where I said it hurt and sent me back for an x-ray. When he came back into the room he told me the x-ray hadn't shown anything.

"I'd like to send you for an MRI," he said.

Okay. I mean what am I going to say at this point. Never mind. Just being here has made me feel SO much better!

On the way out of the office the doctor was telling me about a patient he had seen earlier. He had broken his collar bone and it was actually sticking out of his back! "First time I've ever seen that," he said.

I felt like a complete idiot! That guy obviously needed to go to the doctor.

"Wow! Yep... well... thanks." I stammered.

Then just as I was about to walk away he asked, "So, how fast do you run?"

I frowned thinking about my answer.

"Not as fast as Joe."

This little piggy went Wee Wee Wee all the way home.

The kids have the Swine Flu. It was confirmed yesterday in the doctors office. The funny thing is, it’s really not that bad. They are coughing hard and without the Tylenol their fever spikes to about 102, that’s when they feel really crummy. But, as long as I stay on the Tylenol they are happy, playing, normal, but completely contagious, little kids.

The doctor told me to keep them out of school the rest of the week. My son has been out the entire week and my daughter has been out since Monday afternoon.

It’s ironic that this happened this week. DH and I have been having our annual argument. You see he travels all the time. He eats in restaurants and entertains clients and sleeps in hotels nearly every week. I stay home.

I am a STAY HOME mom. It means I stay home. I go to the store. I sometimes get to go to an exercise class. I volunteer in their classrooms and set up their assemblies but mostly I STAY HOME. We eat dinner at home, almost everyday. If I have a reason to be in town with the kids, say a football practice or something, and DH is out of town, we’ll swing through the Taco Bell for dinner but other than that, we stay home.

We have homework to do every night and baths to take and reading to do and we are pretty strict about their bedtimes being 8-8:30. That hardly leaves any time to be out frolicking about.

DH doesn’t understand when he comes home why I want to go OUT! He has no desire to go out he wants to STAY HOME! I will go to movies, or football games or friends houses, or shopping, just about anything to just get out of the house and have an adult conversation that lasts more than ten minutes, and which is NOT interrupted by the kids.

Being a stay home mom is really isolating.

Add sick kids on top of that… and DH is out of town.

I have listened to them fight over the Xbox everyday, we’ve played the game Sorry, seven times, we’ve watched kid movies I’ve seen a dozen times. We’ve made brownies and Chicken Noodle Soup and I’ve listened to them fight over their crayons or the channel on the TV, but I have NOT had an adult conversation that has lasted over ten minutes in the past three days. Today, being the forth.

Being a stay home mom is really isolating.

I understand that traveling for a living isn’t fun either. I get why he wants to stay home. But I’m not going into that side of it here, let him write his own blog. This one is for me.

I need to get out of the house. I need to go to museums and out for drinks and to dinner once in a frickin’ blue moon. I need to go to movies, and lunches and hang out at friends houses. If I don’t do those things, I will be a crazy person. Today, I am a crazy person.

It is Thursday and the doctor said by Saturday or Sunday they can start getting out of the house again. Next week my kids are on fall break. We will be looking for ANYTHING to do outside of the house. Anybody got any ideas?

I'm Sailing Away

About a year ago I watched an Oprah about the power of attraction. I thought the show might be about Jeffery Dean Morgan or that hot, Argentina Polo player, Nacho Figueras, but it wasn’t. It was about the power of positive thinking, specifically in getting the things you want in your life.

One of the gals on the show was showing this board she made. She had taken pictures of things she wanted in her life and glued them to a poster board. Somewhere on the board she had a picture of Oprah because one of her goals was to meet and be on Oprah. Well, here she was!

Another gal on the show said she tells herself everyday that “the world is conspiring in her favor.” I really liked the imagery that thought put into my head. It’s like all the little creatures, birds, deer, faeries, elves, trees, even Mother Nature, sitting around thinking about how they can make my day, my world, a little better. I wrote that sentence in my loft above my writing desk.

In fact, I made myself a little positive attraction board. I even wrote about it in this blog: http://beingwrite.blogspot.com/2008/07/grumpy-dragon-wins.html. At some point I added to my board. I included a picture of a bright red, mustang convertible because I love them, and I picture of a beautiful black grand piano.

Well, my board became a little more real this week. I received a call from my fairy god mother. She wondered if I still wanted a piano.

Back tracking a little to make this story better…

When I was growing up, we had an old, upright piano. It had keys that stuck and we never had the money to get it tuned, but I still loved it. I bought a book on how to play piano and it came with these little clear stickers that had the notes on them and I stuck them to the keys. I spent hours trying to teach myself how to play. I think I learned the basics and even had one song I could play with both hands, it was Sailing Away by Styx!

I have ALWAYS wanted another piano.

So, my fairy god mother calls… she has a friend who has a baby grand piano she is thinking of giving away. We went to visit her yesterday. This woman is so kind! I told her the story of trying to teach myself how to play and she told me she had a similar story. She said she was torn about giving the piano away, but she could tell it was important to me, and she really wanted it to have a good home. I assured her it would be loved and played!

The piano is beautiful! It’s a 1907 Hardman & Peck. It was refurbished in the 80’s. I’ve honestly never been given something so beautiful and generous and it came from a complete stranger. The funny thing is, it looks exactly like the piano picture on my poster board!

It’s being delivered on Wednesday and if you see me before that with my kids, please don’t talk about it in front of them, it’s a surprise.

I can hear you pessimists out there now, laughing about my magic board. You can doubt the power of the board all you want, but just wait till that red mustang convertible drops out of the sky!!!

The world is conspiring in my favor! Now I just need to find the sheet music to Sailing Away.

Climbing Mountains

It was 4am and I was standing on my front porch in the dark, praying that a mountain lion wouldn’t eat me before I had my chance to conquer the mountains. Two close friends, my sister and I were climbing Greys and Torreys, two of Colorado’s beautiful 14ers so we had to get an early start.

The night before, as I packed my bag, I wondered if I would really need my lipstick. I packed it anyway. As the four of us met to drive up together I told them I was all set - lipstick in hand. They all laughed but each of them had brought an unusual item. One of them also brought lipstick (we are very much alike), one brought her iPod with the flashlight application (it really didn’t shine very bright), and one… my sister, brought some of the ashes of her husband Steve.

We had a goal. Steve loved the outdoors. He loved climbing the highest mountains he could find. Lisa and Steve had a plan to climb one together. In a way, we were going to accomplish that today.

As we drove up in the dark, we laughed and talked about the day. We were all excited. The two friends had done this before but this was the first 14er for my sister and me. Lisa and I were excited and a little anxious. They made fun of me for drinking coffee on the way up, they were pretty sure this would become a problem later in the morning. I couldn’t help it, there’s no way I’m rising before dawn without a little Joe.

We started out on the trail just before 6 am. The sun was beginning to rise and we were relieved to see we wouldn’t need the iPod flashlight to show us the way. We all chatted. The path at the beginning is a very gradual climb. We had a pretty long stretch before we would be above tree line. After a short time, I noticed my sister wasn’t talking much. I thought she was thinking about the day. Turned out she couldn’t breathe very well and was struggling not to pass out.

The friends who had done this before quickly realized what was happening and gave her some time to rest. They assured her this was a journey and it wasn’t about how fast we did it, it was only about accomplishing our goal. We fed her a snack, gave her some water and started off again.

Throughout the first part of the climb we stopped often. Letting everyone catch their breath and getting acclimated to the altitude. Then as we rounded a corner in the hike, the mountains we were about to climb suddenly appeared before us. They looked very far away and beyond challenging. I remembered a line from a book I read recently, “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” I was still excited and my adrenaline kept me moving forward.

I’m not sure of all the thoughts that went through Lisa’s head as we climbed. She only voiced a few.

“What the hell are we doing?”

“This is the stupidest thing we’ve ever done.”

“Look at all these happy ass people coming down.”

“Is she really running up this mountain in shorts? What the hell is wrong with that woman?”

“What have you bitches gotten me into?”

There were times when she was sincerely mad at us for getting her into the situation. The last time I saw that look on her face was in 6th grade when I wore her new Britanica jeans to field day and I fell and ripped them. She was pissed.

As we got towards the top of Greys, the wind picked up and it got really cold. I actually have never felt wind like that even when I lived in Kansas. I seriously thought for one second that it might blow me right off the mountain. I haven’t felt that light in a really long… well, EVER! It was fierce, almost like the last push to the top needed to be the hardest challenge any of us could bear.

During the hike I pretty much stayed in front the whole way, but as I knew we were about to summit I backed off. I wanted Lisa to be the first one up. She stepped up on the mountain and stood frozen to her spot for a moment. Then she turned around and we all started to cry.

We made it! It was freezing cold and the wind was whipping us about but we stood and took photos and then waited while Lisa retrieved Steve’s ashes from her backpack. She stood on the edge while we all watched, and let some of Steve’s ashes fly off the side of the mountain into the wind. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust… Steve would have been so proud of us.

We would have liked to stay on the mountain and revel in our success but we weren’t done yet. The saddleback to Torreys lay ahead. It looked very steep, but not nearly as far as standing at the bottom looking up at both of them. As we crossed the saddleback there was talk about heading back and not tackling the second mountain. As far as Lisa was concerned she’d done what she came for and didn’t need another hour climb. I knew before anyone else had decided that there was no way I was leaving without tackling Torreys as well.

I just kept walking and they all followed behind, BUT… not before I realized I SERIOUSLY had to pee! We had been above tree line for hours now and there wasn’t really any place to squat without bystanders. I was getting to the point where I didn’t really care who saw me pee, but as we came down the saddleback, I realized we were in a perfect spot. I called out to my other friend who I knew needed to go as badly as I did and we both dropped our drawers. There’s something really cool about peeing on the side of a mountain! I felt very manly!

Anyway, after the call of nature was complete we headed up the steep and rocky road to Torreys. Lisa was struggling. Finally, she gave up. She sat down and started to cry. I knew she was irritated. I also knew our friends would sit with her until she was ready to either continue on or give up. There was just one problem. There were dark clouds starting to roll in. I’m all about accomplishing my goals, but not when there is a great risk of being struck by lightening!! That’s the only time of the entire day when I contemplated giving up.

Lisa convinced us to continue up without her. We could move faster and hopefully beat the clouds. The one friend who has climbed the most 14ers convinced me these were snow clouds and not rain clouds. I sure hoped she was right. As we climbed we caught up with some guys who we had met on the other mountain. They asked if we had lost one of our friends. We said yes she was waiting down below, but when we turned to check on her we saw she was heading up behind us. We all started to cheer for her.

We all four made it to the top of Torreys together!

At the top there was a scroll to sign with our names and the date we climbed. I wrote my name and Lisa’s and then I wrote Steve Mitchell RIP 9-14-09. Lisa again opened the bag of ashes and let some more of Steve fly off of the mountain top and into the wind. I took a moment to really look around. It was incredible being up above all of the other mountains. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I can’t imagine a place Steve would love more.

We soon started back down. The journey down was actually harder for me than the trip up. All of the excitement and anticipation was behind me. It was snowy and slick and in some places treacherous. I didn’t enjoy stumbling and falling on the rocks and snow. We all laughed and made the best of it, but the only thing that really kept me going were the Mojitos I knew were waiting for us in the car and MAN were they worth it!!

My friends asked me if I thought that was harder than running the BolderBoulder. I had to think about it for a second. At the BolderBoulder I hit a wall. In mile 5 I was tired and didn’t think I could keep going. It was the hardest HOUR of my life, but this hike was 8 hours. It tested my endurance and although I never felt physically like I wouldn’t finish, it was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Afterwards we drove a little way down the mountain and found a good place to park. We all sat together, enjoyed a snack and our cocktails, and talked about our day. I remember after Steve died Lisa’s therapist told her that healing was similar to climbing a mountain. It would be difficult and long but she could make it to the top.

I am so proud of her for all that she has accomplished in the last three years. She was dealt a really shitty hand. Things have been so hard, but she has NEVER given up. She may bitch about the climb, she may even sit out once in a while thinking she’s done, but she always gets back up and continues on. I hope that in the tough times in my life I will have the strength she has had to always make it to the top. 　
　

Beware!! Aggressive Mountain Goats

I’m feeling rather random lately and I wouldn’t be surprised if this blog is a mess.

I’m pissed off that our school principal wouldn’t let our kids see the Presidential address. I remember when I was a kid. I loved the president. I had NO idea if he was a Republican or a Democrat, I loved him because he was the President.

Our principal said it was because our school doesn’t have the bandwidth capacity to allow all of the classes to watch. Funny, when I was in Jr. High we watched the space shuttle explode on a TINY little TV. in the library. There were no expectations for the entire school to have individual showings in their own classrooms. We ALL huddled around a 9inch and watched together. I just don’t see what would have been the harm in SHARING a computer screen. Unbelievable…

I honestly thought about taking my kids out of the school for the address, and showing them here at home. But after I heard what the message was… staying in school and working hard, kind of seemed like a contradiction.

And THEN last night, I had my kids sitting next to me on the sofa watching the Presidential address to Congress. I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised when someone yelled out at the President that he was a liar! And I suppose my immediate tears were an over-reaction, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?

Where has our integrity gone? How about basic MANNERS? How can we expect our children to respect their elders, their principals, teachers etc. when they are watching the HIGHEST Official in our country be screamed at while he is trying to speak? I’m not feeling all that confident over the state of our country. President Obama talked last night about the “character of our country”, I think we should be pretty ashamed of that today.

Besides all that political business, my darling boy has his first football game tonight. I am excited! I hope he does well.

I am working on re-writes and editing again on the book I have been working on for over two years. I am getting really close to the next step, or at least deciding the next step. It’s pretty difficult. To me it’s like trying to decide which babysitter you should choose for your newborn. I am afraid of handing it over only to hear the baby go THUD!

And in other news… I’m hiking my first fourteener on Sunday. Well actually, I’m hiking my first TWO! I’m excited and a little nervous... I’ve heard those mountain goats are pretty aggressive!!
　
　
　

It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday. I am not generally a big fan of my birthday. It’s not the getting older part but the expectation of having a GREAT birthday. I don’t love being the center of attention. I feel like I’m living in a fishbowl on my birthday, everyone judging, “Is she having a good day? What’s she doing? SO… do you have BIG plans for your birthday?”

“Ummmm… no.”

But today started out fabulous, and the plans I have are fabulous too!

My son keeps telling me this is going to be his best day ever! He gets to change seats today in class (apparently a very big deal), then Dr. Love is taking him to football practice after school (a huge highlight to show off in front of someone new), then he gets to come to my “party”. It made me happy to walk with him to the bus stop and listen to how excited he is for HIS big day!

After the kids got on the bus I took a leisurely walk back to the house. It was very quiet and I reflected on how lucky I am. I have the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. They are this group of incredible women who can accomplish anything! I have been lucky to be a part of this group for a couple of years now and we just seem to get closer through time. They are the friends who I will go through the rest of my life with. We will have good times and tragic times, we will have disagreements and we will have parties, we will drink coffee together and booze. No matter what, I feel secure in their friendship. With them, I know I can be myself.

Dear friends, thank you!!!

After I write this I’m going to meet Smarty Pants. She is one of the best things that came out of 37. I remember thinking for a really long time that I wasn’t looking for my Ethel. I wanted to have many friends who filled many parts of my life but I didn’t need a best friend. I was wrong, I got my Ethel. She is someone to call when Ricky is being a pest! Someone who will bring cake over when she knows I need it, and someone who won’t necessarily get me out of a jam but will join me in the predicament because we both know it’ll be more fun to stick it out than to cut and run. I love you Ethel. Love Lucy

And tonight we are gathering with my great group of friends, my mom and my sister for a “random Tuesday night party.” Smarty Pants knows I don’t love my birthday, so she sent out this invitation.

Hello,
I am going to have a party at my house on Tuesday the 1st of September right after school until ???. It is only a coincidence that this happens to be SUSANNE's BITRHDAY!!
It is very important that you do not call it her birthday party. Do not bring her a gift (she made me promise to put that part but what can she really do?). Just so you know she has also threatened me with physical violence but I am not afraid. Anyway, dinner is a Mexican theme!! Let me know if you want to bring something but you don't have too!!
We will be having Chocolate cake...not birthday cake... just because we like cake, cake!!
I hope you can all come to the non-birthday its just a random Tuesday party!!!
Xoxo

SO… I am going to go eat “just because we like cake, cake!!” And I am going to enjoy being with my friends and family. Looks like I do have BIG plans. Hey, maybe there is something to this whole birthday thing after all! YEAH ME!!!
　

Pollyanna

I received an email today from my 8-year-old’s teacher. She said that she loves his sense of humor and his positive outlook. I love hearing this. I remember my father-in-law and myself having a conversation when he was little about whether a positive attitude was nature or nurture. I really wanted my kids to have a positive outlook on life.

DH tends to be more of a “realist” (this is a nice way for me to say he’s kind of negative). When something bad happens its because "Bad things ALWAYS happen to him." He expects things to go wrong. He sort of has a "Well that figures" attitude.

I am DH's exact opposite. He calls me Pollyanna. I'm pretty sure that came from my mother. We read a book called Pollyanna written by Eleanor H. Porter when I was a kid. Pollyanna was an orphan who lived with her aunt. Her aunt was sort of mean and nasty, but Pollyanna played a game her father taught her to always find the bright side of things. There have been a few times in my life when I lost my Pollyanna. The funny thing is DH always reminds me, "Where's my Pollyanna?" He sees it as me being sort of naive to the world, always expecting the best, but he also sort of counts on me to be that way.

My son was very much like his dad when he was little. Everything was VERY dramatic! If something went wrong it was the end of the world. He's gotten a lot better as he's gotten older. He lives more on the "Bright Side" now.

We play a game at dinner where the kids have to tell me the best and the worst part of their day. They both ALWAYS have a best, or TWO or THREE to share. The worst is always funny. At least to me…

My 6-year-olds worst, “The fire alarm went off at school today and it scared me and made me cry.”

My son, “They told us over the intercom it was going to happen.”

Daughter, “I know, but it scared me.”

My son’s worst almost always involves some sport. He didn’t make the catch on recess or some total mishap…

“I went to the bathroom and spilled water on my pants so I tried to dry it and it took a long time so I didn’t get my work done and I had to miss a minute of recess to finish.”

I love my kids. I believe they will both end up being a bit more like me in the end. I laugh at everything and try and tell them there’s always a bright side. Who wouldn’t choose that over being a naysayer? I think I'll try and find Pollyanna and read it to them... AND I’m still working on DH too, but don‘t tell him, he hasn‘t realized it yet!

Makin' Plans

The weekend’s here and I feel a little need to let loose!

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little tense. School started, so there’s homework every night, and it hasn’t gone very smooth. My eight year old is a great kid. Really great! BUT, he has this unique ability to find the easiest way out of every situation that should involve hard work. We are struggling with the lesson that it’s important to do things the right way, the FIRST time. I am meeting with his teacher this afternoon, just to give her the 411 on his “talents”.

That, and the whole volunteering thing stresses me out! My town could give any soap opera a run for it’s money on the level of drama associated with the school. When I even begin to think about PTO meetings and fundraisers, I break out into a cold sweat and start pacing the room like a caged animal. I’ve often thought it would be fun to write about the women of Larkspur… there certainly is plenty of material, but I’m afraid my house would be burned to the ground and my children voted off the island.

So, my plan for the new year is to sit with my mouth shut and my hands folded gently in my lap. I can hear you all laughing at me in my head… I realize I have trouble keeping my mouth shut… I said, it’s my PLAN! I do realize sometimes plans just don’t work out… I’m still working on plan B. I’ll let you know about that when I figure it out.