Where did I go? Who am I now?

I can't believe it's been so long since I was here. Life has a way of moving fast and leaving you behind sometimes. So much has happened and I was so happy to read through some of my old posts today and see who I was and what I thought was happening. It's all been quite different than I expected.

I think I had visions of being able to keep up with my writing while my dad suffered from colon cancer and while I was starting nursing school. It didn't work out that way.

Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of Steve's death and I found myself reflecting a lot. It made me think of how much I loved coming here and sorting out the mess in my head. March 7th will be the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. I miss him so much. I hear his laugh in my mind sometimes and I ache to hear it in real life.

Nursing school is fascinating and so much more than I imagined. It's really scary and difficult sometimes, but everyday I am reminded of how precious life is and it's such a gift to think that way. I have done so many things - unimaginable things, and I've gained so much confidence in who I am and what I am meant to be doing. One of the things I have been reflecting on is my expectations and how different reality is. It doesn't matter what I am doing day to day, the way I imagine it in my head is nothing like the way it turns out.

I wrote a book once. In it one of the main characters died. I imagined what it would be like from movies I had seen and I wrote it as honestly as I could. I wondered what it would be like to see someone die for real. I wondered, going into nursing, who would be my first. Turned out my first was my dad. It was so much different than I had imagined.

When he was diagnosed with cancer I wrote a blog about how he had gone from being a gale force wind to only a whisper through his illness. Death is much like that only the whisper disappears too. I can now somewhat see the comparison to a candle flame going out. Only his life was more like a bonfire. People gathered around laughing all the time, partying and enjoying the flames as they rose higher and higher.

In those last moments I was amazed how he found the words and energy to say goodbye to each of us. The way he looked at me and thanked me is something I will treasure forever. His last moments were human, nothing can compare.

As I go through my clinicals in different hospitals with different nurses, one thing that stands out is the "job" part. So many of the nurses I have met have done this for so long they are no longer amazed. They can see their job, what they need to accomplish but I fear they have lost the empathy of the human experience that reminds us that every part of being sick touches the very deepest core of our being. We are vulnerable. We are scared. And we need help. I am so blessed to be able to offer that help. To touch peoples lives.

I can still see through my excitement of watching a persons chest be cut open in an emergency clam shell thoracotomy, that a person - a human being lies beneath all of the people trying to "work". Someone's son, father, brother, husband - whether we save him or not, his life and ours will have forever touched even for the briefest moment. And I either helped or I didn't and then the moment has passed and I am unable to go back to change it.

Nurses are amazing people. It is an amazing job. The group I am studying with are all so diverse and interesting. They are incredibly smart and I am so lucky to be learning from each of them. I know they will all touch a million lives and make a huge difference with the people they help. This has been an unforgettable ride and I have stopped trying to imagine what the day will bring. I am focused instead on being present in anticipation of things I could never conceive.

Musical Lessons

I'm not sure if it's God or my Guardian Angel who speaks to me through music. It may sound crazy but it happens all the time. I'll be feeling blue and thinking of someone and I'll get into the car and turn on the radio and the song that's playing is one that reminds me specifically of that person. Or someone will send me a song, or post one to facebook and it will be the exact song I needed to hear at that moment. Does this happen to everyone?

I've been in a tailspin. Sort of clinging to the edge. Trying everything to settle myself with no real progress. I have spent most of my adult life trying to control everything. I'm not comfortable with the constant spin or roller coaster that is life. I fight against it, constantly. I fool myself on a regular basis into thinking I can control things only to be slapped with reality again. The best laid plans are often met with CHANGES completely out of our control. IT'S REALLY IRRITATING!

So last night a good friend, who I don't see nearly enough, sent me a text with loving words and a song she wanted me to listen to. The song is Blessings by Laura Story.

One of the things I've been trying, to help center myself, is running everyday. I'm only doing about 2 1/2 miles but if you know my neighborhood it's a SICK 2 1/2 miles. I CANT actually RUN the whole thing. The hills are too steep. But someday- I'm going to beat these damn hills.

Anyway- this morning before my run I downloaded Blessings and listened to it while I ran. I had it on random so it came on at the exact moment when I was struggling up a hill and cussing because it's TOO DAMN HARD. I loved the song and it settled me right down. I had a little vision in my head of my Guardian Angel carrying me up that hill. It brought me the first moment of peace I've had in a while.

The next song to come on was Jimmy Buffett Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.

Huh... DUH!

Breathe in, breathe out, MOVE ON!

I had a thought come into my head about my patterns. Throughout my life when things get tough, I shut down. Retreat into myself. Try to position myself with my back against a wall facing all the hard things with my fists up to fight them off. Trust is a hard thing for me. I can't give anything over because I don't think anyone will handle it better than me. If I keep all the balls there isn't anyone to blame but myself when it all goes to hell. No one needs to have my back because I've got my wall to protect me.

My next thought was in Dr. Phil's voice, "Well how's that working for ya?"

If my current sleeping pattern is any sign, it isn't working for shit.

So what does it all mean? I have no idea. I AM trying to give up control. I AM trying to let people help me. I AM trying to make plans knowing full well, how it all turns out is not in my control. My current plan is to count my Blessings, and Breathe In, Breathe out and Move on.

Thank you Tara.

The Abyss

From his bed this morning at 8:00am he spoke quietly, “Thank you for everything. I love you.” While I cried and hugged him. I told him to be strong and he promised he would.

My dad thinks he’s lost his dignity but I strongly disagree. He may have lost his modesty but not his dignity. In 2 short months my dad has gone from being a gale force wind to only a whisper. He’s lost 60+ pounds. He cannot stand on his own. We lift him to his feet where he locks his knees and somehow manages to stay upright with what seems to be only bones and ligaments and help from a trusty walker. He needs our help with even the most personal things. For a man like my dad, I can’t imagine what that’s like for him. I can‘t imagine what‘s going through his mind.

When we took him from the hospital two weeks ago, we had no idea what we were facing. My sister and I wheeled him out to the car with the naive idea that we could lift him into the car. We tried twice, leaving us the second time with his back on the passenger seat and his butt and legs falling out of the car towards the ground. I held him there precariously hoping and praying he wouldn’t end up on the street. A man walking by saw us and came to help. So completely unprepared, we drove away.

The last two weeks have been hard to handle. I know so many people go through the same things with their parents sooner or later but when it happens it’s such a shock. As one doctor said this week, “They take you to the edge of the abyss and then they snatch you back. Take you to the edge again, dangle you over and then they snatch you back.” He was talking about my dad’s Chemo but the feeling is universal for the caretakers. We slowly unravel trying desperately to make rational decisions and find some sort of footing when everything seems to be crumbling out from underneath us.

I am lucky to have my brother and sister. I cannot imagine doing any of this alone. If we can somehow bind together our strength, time and love, we may find a way to make this work. If we could just hand over that strength, time and love to our dad, we’d be in a much better situation.

He is fighting a very tough battle and as much as we’d like to help him fight, in many ways he’s on his own. Always with thoughts of life and how precarious and precious it is, we stand beside him. I wish for him many more moments of happiness. Fireworks and laughter. Great food. Great Music. Moments of peace, free from pain and concern. I hope that his heart is filled with the love his family has for him. I hope he feels our determination to help him through this horrible time. Be strong. Be positive. We love you and we'll see you soon.

ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Writing is the one thing that keeps me sane. It’s my own private therapy. I’ve only been to actual therapy once in my life and I wasn’t a big fan. Didn’t really seem like that person was invested in anything except pointing fingers and taking my check. For me, working it out through the words I write, edit and delete on the page seems to help more. And so, I write.

My dad has cancer. Not a sissy kind, (is there a sissy kind?) A big, bad scary kind. Two weeks ago, he had a seizure, which lead to a hospital stay, which lead to a diagnosis of Stage Four Colon Cancer. It is now in his colon, liver, lungs and brain. Well, hopefully not in his brain anymore. Last Thursday he did radiation. CyberKnife radiation which hits each tumor directly and has a 90% success rate. I hope, it’s not in his brain anymore.

He is also doing Chemotherapy. They put in a medi-port and are administering the Chemo for 48 hours every two weeks. The first round wasn’t too bad, he didn’t get sick. His mouth was a little sore but that was it. He’s taking the second round right now. There is a weird side effect with this type of Chemo, where he will be affected by cold. The doctor said he won’t be able to drink anything cold or even touch anything cold without having it physically hurt. He told me today that side effect has started.

This whole thing has been really hard for me to understand. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that anything would ever happen to him. I guess I always saw my dad as larger than life. We haven’t always got along great. But when I reflect on that, my hurt and anger was always about not having more of him, and instead of making that happen, I shut down and shut him out and now… now I have regrets.

I love my dad and I know he loves me. That’s all that really matters. He’s taught me a lot. He’s taught me how to whistle. And I can whistle REALLY loud. He taught me how to cook, and I’m a REALLY good cook and he taught me the love of the sale, even if it’s just selling your point. I love to argue. I think I can turn people to my way of thinking.

Selling something is just getting your way and getting paid for it. I’ve had many a moment in a car, right after you leave a business and you know you’ve got them in the bag, and you turn up the radio REALLY loud and sing your ass off, because NO ONE is as AWESOME as you are at that moment. I got that from my dad.

We have a tough road ahead. I find it ironic that I want to be a nurse and have often spoke about working in oncology and now my dad has cancer. Fucking Funny how life works, huh? I’ve put off school for the summer. I just want to spend time with him, I want my kids to spend time with him. I hope he can teach them how to whistle, and to cook. I want to put all of the damned regrets aside.

The Jackson’s have been called many things, one of the nicer one’s is that we’re stubborn. We are also fighters. Sometimes, not in the best way, but we don’t let the shit get us down. I am a Jackson. “ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM!” I think I learned that phrase when I was about 10. It’s Latin and it means don’t let the bastards get you down. Well the bastard is cancer, and it’s time to fight like a Jackson. I love you, Dad.

Just a whisper

I believe strongly that when a theme presents itself to you in the Universe over and over again, there is a reason. I think it's God gently trying to guide our lives in the proper direction. Sometimes it's a whisper so faint you nearly miss it. Other times it presents itself as loud and obvious as Thunder and Lightning.


This week was Spring Break for the kids. We decided to have a stay-cation. DH took the week off so we were just going to do fun stuff around town. The week started with Thunder and Lightning. I have a friend who I haven't seen much in the past 10 years. We used to work together in a very VERY small office. It was just the two of us who worked for our company in Colorado Springs. Because of our close, isolated circumstances we got to know each other very well. Even though I haven't seen her much, we've stayed in contact through Facebook and I do consider her a friend.


Last October, her two year old fell into a swimming pool and nearly drown. I have read every update and stayed ever present in her situation. I took the situation, as tragic as it was, as a reason to stay more focused on my own kids. To be ever present in their lives and to keep the thought that everything can change in an instant in the forefront of my mind. Appreciate what you have!


Last weekend my same friend's sister was in a terrible car accident. The family was driving home from a vacation. Their 15 year old was driving and lost control of the car. The parents were ejected from the car and are in critical condition. Their 11 year old son was also ejected and sadly, perished. The only conscious member of the family is the 15 year old who was driving the car, and now, he has this terrible burden to carry.


Once again I am reminded, everything can change in an instant. We are not in control, and as much as we would like to keep our family safe, we simply can't. There are risks, every day. We can not possibly shelter them from every one. We must put our trust in God and do the one thing we can... be grateful.


I spent the week with my own family doing as many fun and fabulous things as we could wrap up in a single week. I laughed at my kids and took many pictures, I listened to their stories and listened to them play with each other. We had a great week. But my friend and her family never left my mind. I want to help, but how?


Running parallel in my life right now is my search for a new plan. I've written about my balance between being a mother and finding work. About feeling inadequate after not working for ten years. I decided a few weeks ago that I'd like to go back to school and get my RN. I have been researching schools and programs and trying to find the right one. Although I am eligible for an accelerated program, because I already have a degree, the pace is too much for my balance. I am starting this summer and plan to take it slow and steady. It should take me no more than three years.


I believe there have been many signs pointing me in this direction. I understand tragedy and have lived through a few myself. I find myself in a painful situation when I know there is nothing I can do to help. I find people's stories so fascinating. Everyone has one and sometimes the story which feels at the time like an ending, only opens you up to a whole new beginning. I realize working as an RN you aren't privy to the end of the story. Many times you have no idea what happens after they leave you but this is, at the very least, a way I think I can help. This is a way, that for the briefest moment, I can be a part of their stories.


In the next few years I will be blogging about being a student again at (cough) 40. I will write about balancing my life moving forward with my job as mother to my kids. But mostly I will remember always to stay focused on the good things in life, because whether you are brave enough to admit it, or to stand in the face of it, everything can change in an instant.

Just another day in the life...

We've always thought we have the best driveway ever for sledding. It heads downhill from the street and goes into the grass for about 3feet before hitting a line of trees. The kids have sled down this hill hundreds of times. This last Sunday, the kids bundled up and headed out. I stood at the kitchen window watching them for a couple of minutes, making myself a cup of hot tea. When my tea was done, I headed up to the loft to do some writing. I barely made it up the stairs before my son hit the backdoor screaming. My 7 year old daughter hit the 6inch retaining wall to the left of the driveway.

I ran down the stairs to find my bleeding daughter on all fours in the garage. She didn't want to come in the house because she was bleeding so bad. I grabbed a sweatshirt off the floor and put it on her head and got her into the bathroom. My husband and I took one look at the giant gash on her forehead and knew she needed stitches. I honestly haven't ever seen anything so bad.

A strange calm took over me. I knew we needed to move to the next step. I called my BFF's husband who is our doctor. He told me to bring her over. I knew as long as I got her over to his house, we'd be okay. He would take care of the rest. I loaded us up in the car. Husband in the backseat applying pressure. My son, completely freaked out, he knew she was going to hit the wall and he yelled her name. She looked up just in time to catch the edge right between the eyes. He thought it was somehow his fault.

When we got to my friends house the Doctor took over. He drove us to his office. I was probably the most scared in the car. My daughter started vomiting and saying she couldn't breath. She was also having a hard time keeping her eyes open, as if she'd just fall asleep. I was sure she had a concussion and we'd be heading for the emergency room. My Doctor stayed calm and talked to my baby calmly telling her how to breath until she got control again. At the office he checked her out thoroughly and told me it probably wasn't a concussion it was just the adrenalin.

He then put somewhere around 25 stitches in her head, but not before he showed me her skull and the artery she had just missed severing. Looking at my child's skull through a gaping wound in her head is not something I ever want to do again, but even through that part I remained calm. I knew we had done our best to take care of her. Somehow a mother's strength takes over in times like these. She needed us to take care of her and we did whatever it took to make sure she'd be okay. There simply wasn't any time or need to lose it, even though I may have wanted to.

This leads me to the second part of this post. I got the call for a second interview on the job I talked about last week. I have done a lot of soul searching this week, and talked to a lot of my friends about the situation. I've talked to both working mothers and stay home moms. I know I'd be great at this job. It's selling advertising which is something I've done successfully in the past. I think the company is a sound one, and their publication is something I can see value in.

The question I have to ask myself is whether I really want a job. My kids are still so young and after this weekend, I know very clearly they still need me. One of my friends, who I was soliciting advice from said, she wants to be around her kids as long as they want her to be around. This really stuck with me. It won't last forever and that's something I have to face as a mother. Someday, they won't want me to be in their daily lives. If we are doing our jobs properly, not only will they become successful and productive, but they'll want to be independent of us. But what does that mean for me?

I'm going to the second interview. I want to know more about the position and the company. I know they are hoping to hire someone full time for base plus a commission. I asked on the phone if they were willing to consider a commission only position with more flexibility on the hours. I'm not sure where they stand on that possibility, but I'm willing to take it as far as I can.

I am one of the lucky one's and I'm very aware of that. I don't have to get a job. DH goes to work everyday, traveling away from his family way more than he wants to, just so I can stay home with the kids. I know we could always use more money. Retirement would come a lot quicker for DH if I contributed financially, and I know I want to do that for him, but after this weekend I know, I won't take a full time position yet. I want to be around my kids as long as they want me.

I am so lucky to have had the last ten years with them. They are turning into incredible people, who I truly enjoy being around. I know if I continue my search and keep my mind open and think creatively, I will find the perfect part time position. That way I can contribute more to the husband who deserves a break, without taking anything away from my kids who actually still want me around.

Job Posting: Manager of Magical Creatures

When I decided to stay home with my kids it was a mutual decision. Actually, DH asked me to stay home when Nick was born. He asked me to give it 6 months. I never thought I'd make it. I loved working. I found my personality was a perfect fit for sales and my last job was a real joy. My boss actually offered me a promotion to sales manager when I was 9 months pregnant. He was hoping I would come back.

I didn't, and 6 months has turned into 10 years. It went by in the blink of an eye. I would be lying if I said every single moment was met with joy and wonderment. Some moments were REALLY boring. Lots of moments tested every ounce of my patience. Housework is so unfulfilling. Each task is something that will have to be redone in a very short time, with young kids in the house it's a very, VERY short time.

But the times that are fulfilling- when they start to walk, or chase the dog around the island with their push toy laughing like a lunatic. When they call your name or in Nick's case say "tree"- his first word other than mama and dada. When they ask you a million times in one day to "uppie me"- Melanie- when they fall asleep in your lap, or when they are sick and only you can wipe their sore, snotty noses. Those times make it so worthwhile. More worthwhile than ANYthing I could have been doing the last ten years.

I think we have been happy. I know my role is under appreciated. The kids don't know what it's like to have to go to daycare everyday and when we pass by the Kindercare building they think it looks like a lot of fun.

My DH caught me mopping the floor recently and said to me, "I didn't know you did that." I responded in my normally snarky way with, "Who did you think did it, the f%&king fairies?" I'm still not sure who he thought had been doing it for the last 10 years, but maybe if I'd made it clear it was me he would have appreciated my role more.

I know many women in my position who have felt the same way. It's difficult for men to appreciate what we do around the house. They think the kids raise themselves and that magical creatures pick their underwear off the floor and make sure it somehow ends up clean and back in their drawers. But I know what I've done for all three of them, the last ten years, has made a difference in who they will become as adults. Especially, DH.

We are at a crossroads... I have an interview, on Thursday, for a job I know I would be good at. I know bringing in an income will help me to feel more valuable. My kids won't be kids forever, and I have to keep my skills up so I can do something when they no longer need me. I remember the feeling of having other people validate your work. It feels great. Not to mention, actually receiving a paycheck for your trouble.

But I don't just want to get a job. This feels like an opportunity. An opportunity to reinvent myself. I know I can do anything I want to, and I'm not in the position where I have to take a job if it doesn't feel like the right fit. I want to do something I'm good at, something that matters to me. I want to wake up feeling excited to go to work, so it's not so hard to leave the kids.

I am a different person than I was 10 years ago. My priorities are different. I'm not sure I'm as motivated by money as I was in my 20's. Now, I'm more motivated by a sense of accomplishment. I think I'm more focused, probably more reliable, and definitely more confident. Heck, who wouldn't want to hire me? I can motivate fairies to mop floors and I'm an expert at managing magical creatures. I think I'll go add those things to my resume.