The Pearly Whites

At our school fundraiser in the Spring, I purchased a teeth whitening session from a dental office. A couple of weeks ago, I met the dentist’s wife. She is the cutest thing! Very happy and friendly, seemed to be a very positive person, until she found out I purchased the teeth whitening. Suddenly her positive, happy mood turned dark and somber.

She leaned over to me and asked, “Do you have any pain killers left over from a c-section or anything?”

“Um… no.”

“Well then you might want to hit the bottle before you come in.”

“Huh?”

“It hurts REAL bad! Imagine being stabbed with needles every three seconds. Seriously, drink heavily before you come.”

So, I was scared. I go into the office to have my teeth cleaned and schedule the whitening. I told the Dentist his wife scared me, he shrugged his shoulders and assured me I’d be alright. He is SERIOUSLY good looking, which made me want to believe him, and I already paid for the darn thing, so I figured how bad could it be?

So today was teeth whitening day. I went in a little apprehensive, but sober. They hooked me up with a movie to distract me.

Let me interrupt this little tale to tell you, I’ve given birth to two children. One the old fashion way, and one by cutting open my stomach, and removing my guts, before yanking the baby from my body. I have had over a hundred stitches in my face from a car accident. I have a tattoo and my belly pierced and I have broken my arm, twice!

NOTHING HURT AS MUCH AS THIS!!

The pain shoots through your teeth into your brain at completely random moments. Dentist’s wife was right, it feels like being stabbed with a needle in the eye! The first couple of times I thought I was hallucinating, did that just happen? Then I felt my body tense waiting for the next “twinge” as the dental hygienist called it when she felt me grasp a hold of her arm in a death grip and try to jump from my chair.

“Oh, are you getting the little sensitive twinge? Yeah, those come and go. Try and relax.” She said as she strapped down my arms and legs with a happy little smile on her face.

Try and relax my ASS! It felt like I was in the chair for days! 45 minutes later I was done and running for the door. BUT, not before she told me the worse part.

“No coffee or red wine for the next 48 hours. Okay?”

WHAT?? These little TWINGES are going to last for three days and I can’t even drink my coffee or medicate with the red wine? I have now taken one of DH’s pain killers. I can barely type as I am falling asleep at the computer. I have no idea if my teeth are white or not as I am unable to smile. But, I have decided to have another baby. This time without the epidural, just so I can really judge my pain tolerance at this point. Either that or I’m getting a nipple pierced. Either way, I’m sure it’s WAY more fun than having your teeth whitened!