It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday. I am not generally a big fan of my birthday. It’s not the getting older part but the expectation of having a GREAT birthday. I don’t love being the center of attention. I feel like I’m living in a fishbowl on my birthday, everyone judging, “Is she having a good day? What’s she doing? SO… do you have BIG plans for your birthday?”

“Ummmm… no.”

But today started out fabulous, and the plans I have are fabulous too!

My son keeps telling me this is going to be his best day ever! He gets to change seats today in class (apparently a very big deal), then Dr. Love is taking him to football practice after school (a huge highlight to show off in front of someone new), then he gets to come to my “party”. It made me happy to walk with him to the bus stop and listen to how excited he is for HIS big day!

After the kids got on the bus I took a leisurely walk back to the house. It was very quiet and I reflected on how lucky I am. I have the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. They are this group of incredible women who can accomplish anything! I have been lucky to be a part of this group for a couple of years now and we just seem to get closer through time. They are the friends who I will go through the rest of my life with. We will have good times and tragic times, we will have disagreements and we will have parties, we will drink coffee together and booze. No matter what, I feel secure in their friendship. With them, I know I can be myself.

Dear friends, thank you!!!

After I write this I’m going to meet Smarty Pants. She is one of the best things that came out of 37. I remember thinking for a really long time that I wasn’t looking for my Ethel. I wanted to have many friends who filled many parts of my life but I didn’t need a best friend. I was wrong, I got my Ethel. She is someone to call when Ricky is being a pest! Someone who will bring cake over when she knows I need it, and someone who won’t necessarily get me out of a jam but will join me in the predicament because we both know it’ll be more fun to stick it out than to cut and run. I love you Ethel. Love Lucy

And tonight we are gathering with my great group of friends, my mom and my sister for a “random Tuesday night party.” Smarty Pants knows I don’t love my birthday, so she sent out this invitation.

Hello,
I am going to have a party at my house on Tuesday the 1st of September right after school until ???. It is only a coincidence that this happens to be SUSANNE's BITRHDAY!!
It is very important that you do not call it her birthday party. Do not bring her a gift (she made me promise to put that part but what can she really do?). Just so you know she has also threatened me with physical violence but I am not afraid. Anyway, dinner is a Mexican theme!! Let me know if you want to bring something but you don't have too!!
We will be having Chocolate cake...not birthday cake... just because we like cake, cake!!
I hope you can all come to the non-birthday its just a random Tuesday party!!!
Xoxo

SO… I am going to go eat “just because we like cake, cake!!” And I am going to enjoy being with my friends and family. Looks like I do have BIG plans. Hey, maybe there is something to this whole birthday thing after all! YEAH ME!!!
　

Duck Swallower!

Smarty Pants swallowed a duck. A WHOLE duck.

One minute everyone was fine, Smarty Pants was rafting behind the boat with DH trying REALLY hard to throw her off. The little duck was swimming around, diving for his food, thinking about watching Nemo tonight with his little ducklings… next thing you know, Smarty is tumbling through the air and smashing into the water. DH circles the boat around to fetch her, which is really nice of him… you know… not leaving her in the middle of the lake or anything, and when we arrive she is gasping and sputtering and can barely choke out the horrible truth. “I swallowed a duck!”

Man! Bad day to be a duck…
Good day to be on the boat! My stomach hurts from laughing.

Oh by the way, to all of you who want to know who my Pot Smoking Whore for a friend is... I'm not telling. And for the rest of you who may be curious, he read my post and texted me not to worry, we're still friends!! Guess he's one of them thick skin ones! Yea me! Kept a friend!!

DEET?? Who needs DEET!

There are only three good things about this last weekend of tent camping. I survived, I skied and laughed really hard at Smarty Pants trying to ski and I got a ROCKIN’ tan.

We went up to Blue Mesa for the weekend. We have been doing this tent weekend for a lot of years. I married an outdoorsman. I knew when I married him I would have to take these kinds of “vacations”. In fact when he asked me to marry him, we were out in the woods.

When he says “Lets go camping.” I hear, “Bring the vodka cause you’re going to want to forget most of what’s happening.”

We took Smarty pants, her three girls, and her niece, and got to the lake late Thursday afternoon. That’s when the real fun started. As we were putting together two tents, and two Easy-Ups (which by the way, aren’t all that easy) we noticed there were a few more mosquitoes than last year. Wow! Better spray the kids. We got out the family spray, which doesn’t smell too bad and gave everyone a good dousing.

Within a couple of minutes we realized the spray seemed to be more of an attractant. The little bastards were multiplying. That’s when we decided to start a fire to smoke them out!

Building a fire is one of man’s greatest pleasures. That’s why I thought it was EXTREMELY funny when Smarty Pants took over for DH and built the most incredible MAN fire I have ever seen. And she did it by rubbing two sticks together. No fire starter for her, NO WAY! She succeeded in smoking out our little friends and we roasted Smores and enjoyed our evening.

The next afternoon Dr. Love showed up in his rolling house, and around 5:00 the Invasion began again. There were so many mosquitoes swarming above our heads it would have even scared Alfred Hitchcock. The kids were being eaten alive.

At one point my 6-year-old came down from the camper with SP’s youngest. They had both been bitten about 10 times in the FACE!

5 minutes later, mine looked like she’s taken up a new career with Don King. One of her eyes was practically swollen shut! SP’s little one looked like Joseph Merrick! If Dr. Love hadn’t been there with the voice of reason, I would have FREAKED out and taken them directly to the emergency room, insisting they give us a bed for the night (hey, why not get something out of it).

BUT NO! He gave them both some Benedryl and they were on their way, playing with one good eye and a mutated forehead. Although, they are now both so traumatized they burst into tears at even the slightest buzzing sound.

I am not sure how many people are aware of this but they have taken DEET out of most bug repellents. Apparently it kills brain cells in lab rats so they’ve put out warnings and scared parents out of using it. Funny thing though, BUG REPELLENT DOESN’T WORK WITHOUT IT!! We stuck with the fire as the best solution and on Day 3 realized we had a bug net that attached around one of the Easy-Ups.

Besides the freakish bug attacks everyday, I can’t sleep in a tent. I swear each night felt like it was longer than the last. And the fact that DH doesn’t have that problem, and snores completely content in his happy-camping-dreamland makes me want to smother him with a sleepingbag.

By day four, I’m done. I rolled out of the tent around 7 AM poured myself a cup of camp coffee, which includes the chewy stuff, and a shot of vodka and started praying for the moment we’d be rolling out of there. We made it home Sunday around 7 PM. I was so relieved to take a shower and pee in an indoor toilet I almost cried.

As Dr. Love so eloquently put it, “camping just isn’t my cup of tea.”

Oh… and the Rockin’ Tan I was so excited about… turns out, it was just dirt.
　

Politics and Police

It will be easy to keep writing this Blog if nights like last night keep happening. I was keeping my nephews and decided to invite BFF, Smarty Pants and her hubby, Dr. Love over for dinner. We made homemade pizzas and let the kids play outside. For the most part they were really good, teaching each other how to ride a skateboard and ridding anything with wheels down our really steep driveway.

At some point the kids decided to have a screaming contest. My ten-year-old nephew always wins. He screams this blood curdling, horror show, woman in the shower being stabbed multiple times scream, that he is indeed quite proud of. Which in this case, not only warranted me hollering at him out the window to KNOCK IT OFF, but also must have alerted the neighbors to the “domestic abuse” situation brewing at the Sanstra’s!

About this same time, a political discussion arose in the kitchen among the adults. Anyone who knows us knows we are on polar sides politically with the men in our lives. In fact nearly every friend I have, cancels out the votes of her husband. This leads to some very… um… active discussions.

SO… while officer Michelle is approaching our house because of the domestic abuse call they have received she hears arguing ensuing inside the hacienda! She calls for backup.

At the same moment the doorbell rings several of our kids run in through the backdoor hollering, “THE COPS ARE HERE! THE COPS ARE HERE!”

Dr. Love heads to the front door with me following close behind. Man-Eating Dog is also on his heals. Dr. Love sees the policewoman at the door and not wanting to make the situation worse by having Man-Eating DOG stirring up more trouble, (not sure yet if he's a cop eating dog too!)only opens the door a crack. Not to make ourselves look ANYMORE incriminating, he doesn’t know where the light switches are, so the porch and hallway are completely dark.

Officer: “We’ve had a report of a woman screaming at this residence, can I come in?”

Dr. Love: “Seriously, um… I have a big dog here.”

Officer: “You’re gonna need to let me in, and can you turn on some lights?”

I arrive at the door, grab M.E.D and drag him out back at the same time flipping on the lights. When I get back to the door, all 7 kids and 4 adults are now in attendance in the front hall, with a very BIG, unhappy looking policewoman.

Officer: “We’ve had a call about possible domestic abuse at this house and then I pull up and hear arguing.”

Me: “Oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed, the kids were screaming outside.”

Officer: “No ma’am this was reported as a woman screaming.”

Me: “Well we are really loud, but we were just having a political conversation. I’m Susanne and I live here.” I put my hand out to shake her hand.

Smarty Pants introduces herself too and tries to shake her hand as well, the officer points at her.

Officer: “It was you.”

Smarty Pants: “Really? I mean I don’t think I was screaming.”
Officer: “No it was definitely you!”

SP: “Well I am Italian.”I am trying not to laugh. The officer tells us with her very authoritative hand motion to SHUT THE HELL UP, and talks into her shoulder radio.

Officer: “This is 244 reporting, cancel back up. Repeat- no need for back up.”

Me: “Seriously, we were just having a political discussion. They are republicans (gesturing to the guys) and we’re democrats.

Officer: “I’m on their side.” She say’s as she steps closer to Dr. Love.

Dr. Love reads the situation quickly, I mean he’s had all that medical training and he’s quick to react, right? He takes this Golden Opportunity to voice his opinion again on the subject we had been discussing.

Me (to Dr. Love): “Seriously, you’re going to start on me again? We’ve already had the cops called on us.”

Dr. Love: “Yeah, but she’s on my side.”

The officer eventually left to attend to an injury accident and we all laughed about the situation for hours after.

To the neighbor who called 911 – Thank you! It’s good to know if I was being stabbed to death in the shower scene of a horror show, someone would alert the police!

To my nephew - Dude, hit puberty already!

And To my Friends - NEVER A DULL MOMENT! LOVE YA!!

Boot Scootin' FABOOSH!

I have been sitting at my computer today for hours looking over all the fabulous pictures from the weekend. They are just so fun!

Smarty Pants and I decided when we first took on the big BOOT SCOOTIN’ BOOGIE fundraiser for our school, that aside from doing our best to make money, we also wanted people to have fun.

I think we accomplished that!!!

First off, we hired DJ Jazzy Jeff, which was the BEST idea ever. I know I don’t do this much in the blog, but I’m actually going to use his real name because if you’re looking for a great DJ, he’s the guy to pick. RockCandy Professional DJ’s, Adam Krolicki.

I handed Adam a 6-page script ten minutes before the event began and he worked it all out beautifully. He was fun during all the raffles and played GREAT music that people really wanted to dance to…and to add icing to the DJ cake… he’s a great dancer!!

He took Smarty Pants and me out for a spin. He whirled, twirled and threw us around the dance floor. I seriously forgot how much I love to dance! It was FABOOSH! (that’s my new favorite word) He was seriously the best choice we made through the whole planning business.

We have been getting comments from so many people and the one thing they all tell us is how much fun they had! I’m so happy about that. At first I really thought the only thing that would matter at the end was how much money we made. We did make TONS of money … but the more our friends and the teachers and staff at the school tell us how much fun they had, the happier I feel.


So, I guess our kids will continue to learn, with schoolbooks and desks and chairs and all they deem necessary, and we helped the best way we could, but the BEST absolute BEST thing that came out of all of this is Smarty Pants!

Thanks for being a true friend! I love you!

Wedded Wives

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to put on a school fundraiser, which is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly or without the book from the year before, that tells you what the hell you're supposed to be doing.

If any person can show just cause for why this fundraiser should not be held as it was the year before, let them speak now and commit themselves to Chair the event, or forever hold their peace. You didn't want to chair... you must now HOLD YOUR PEACE!

Who gives these two Mom's permission to pick a DJ, decide on the caterers, make casino choices and choose whether the "Chicken Dance" will be played during the event?

This event is a serious event. It should not be looked upon lightly. Each year the schools successes and extravagances are judged by the fundraiser put forth the year before. With this in mind...

Do you Margie, take Susanne to be your lawful wedded bitch to yell at and cuss out, throughout the fundraising process?

Do you Susanne, take Margie through sickness and health, smart-ass moments and tear jerking stomach spasms from laughing too much, throughout the fundraising process?

If so... repeat after me...

I will not EVER tell ANYONE, what we discuss in moments of ridiculous, sleep deprived pandemonium. I promise to have your back whenever someone who didn't have the guts to chair the boot starts to cuss you out. I will pump you full of caffeine before every meeting and feed you chocolate whenever the shit hits the fan... and I promise above all else to be your friend on April 26th.

I am so happy to present to you, the newly wedded fundraising beotches, Smarty Pants and Slippers!

You may now eat your chocolate!