DEET?? Who needs DEET!

There are only three good things about this last weekend of tent camping. I survived, I skied and laughed really hard at Smarty Pants trying to ski and I got a ROCKIN’ tan.

We went up to Blue Mesa for the weekend. We have been doing this tent weekend for a lot of years. I married an outdoorsman. I knew when I married him I would have to take these kinds of “vacations”. In fact when he asked me to marry him, we were out in the woods.

When he says “Lets go camping.” I hear, “Bring the vodka cause you’re going to want to forget most of what’s happening.”

We took Smarty pants, her three girls, and her niece, and got to the lake late Thursday afternoon. That’s when the real fun started. As we were putting together two tents, and two Easy-Ups (which by the way, aren’t all that easy) we noticed there were a few more mosquitoes than last year. Wow! Better spray the kids. We got out the family spray, which doesn’t smell too bad and gave everyone a good dousing.

Within a couple of minutes we realized the spray seemed to be more of an attractant. The little bastards were multiplying. That’s when we decided to start a fire to smoke them out!

Building a fire is one of man’s greatest pleasures. That’s why I thought it was EXTREMELY funny when Smarty Pants took over for DH and built the most incredible MAN fire I have ever seen. And she did it by rubbing two sticks together. No fire starter for her, NO WAY! She succeeded in smoking out our little friends and we roasted Smores and enjoyed our evening.

The next afternoon Dr. Love showed up in his rolling house, and around 5:00 the Invasion began again. There were so many mosquitoes swarming above our heads it would have even scared Alfred Hitchcock. The kids were being eaten alive.

At one point my 6-year-old came down from the camper with SP’s youngest. They had both been bitten about 10 times in the FACE!

5 minutes later, mine looked like she’s taken up a new career with Don King. One of her eyes was practically swollen shut! SP’s little one looked like Joseph Merrick! If Dr. Love hadn’t been there with the voice of reason, I would have FREAKED out and taken them directly to the emergency room, insisting they give us a bed for the night (hey, why not get something out of it).

BUT NO! He gave them both some Benedryl and they were on their way, playing with one good eye and a mutated forehead. Although, they are now both so traumatized they burst into tears at even the slightest buzzing sound.

I am not sure how many people are aware of this but they have taken DEET out of most bug repellents. Apparently it kills brain cells in lab rats so they’ve put out warnings and scared parents out of using it. Funny thing though, BUG REPELLENT DOESN’T WORK WITHOUT IT!! We stuck with the fire as the best solution and on Day 3 realized we had a bug net that attached around one of the Easy-Ups.

Besides the freakish bug attacks everyday, I can’t sleep in a tent. I swear each night felt like it was longer than the last. And the fact that DH doesn’t have that problem, and snores completely content in his happy-camping-dreamland makes me want to smother him with a sleepingbag.

By day four, I’m done. I rolled out of the tent around 7 AM poured myself a cup of camp coffee, which includes the chewy stuff, and a shot of vodka and started praying for the moment we’d be rolling out of there. We made it home Sunday around 7 PM. I was so relieved to take a shower and pee in an indoor toilet I almost cried.

As Dr. Love so eloquently put it, “camping just isn’t my cup of tea.”

Oh… and the Rockin’ Tan I was so excited about… turns out, it was just dirt.