A Guilty Plea

I have pictured this day so many times in my head and strangely, it wasn’t anything like what I expected. We arrived at court to a huge line all the way out the door. It took over 20 minutes to get through the new metal detector system. After waiting so long, we ended up running late and had to hurry to find the correct courtroom. I was immediately taken aback by the crowd as we shuffled in together; Aprel (Steve’s mom) Lisa, Wade, and I.

Daniel was demoted to juvenile court, because of his mental health finding. Incompetent to stand trial in an adult proceeding for a second time, with a finding that his improvement was at it’s best, removed any option of going forward in that division. At that point it was a possibility the judge would throw the whole thing out and we would be without any resolution. Daniel and his family asked that we re-file in juvenile court with the understanding they wouldn’t raise the competency issue again. He would just take whatever deal the DA offered. So here we are.

As I looked around the courtroom, filled to the brim with little criminals, I was deeply saddened. Child after child stood in front of the judge to hear the charges against him. Burglary, robbery, breaking and entering, every one of them accompanied by a disillusioned, exhausted parent. It would be easy to find fault and guilt behind every parents eyes, but all I saw was disappointment and some sad resolution, is this really what all their hopes and dreams had become?

Finally, they called Daniels case. I sat with Wade as Lisa and Aprel went to the front to address the court. I was already crying. The room previously filled with voices from every corner became increasingly quiet as Aprel told the judge how much she missed her only son. When Lisa began to speak, the still and quiet echoed throughout all the people. No one made a sound.

She did an outstanding job, telling this new judge in only a couple of seconds what she and her boys had lost. I was a dripping, dribbling mess listening to her courage and strength in her forgiveness of the boy that took it all away. She pointed out the most obvious lessons she has learned, and hoped that Daniels community service could find a way to save even one other person from the hurt that has become a part of her being.

As I listened, and cried, I couldn’t help but look around at all of those parents and kids waiting with jaded breath. I could read their minds as they said silent prayers, that this outcome would never be their own. Lisa finished by telling the courts that being a single parent was never her plan, but that the new plan only included focusing on raising two boys, to become men their father would be proud of.

After both lawyers got to say their own irrelevant speeches it was Dan’s turn. He started to address the judge but then turned to face my sister. He apologized. He did his best to convey his remorse for actions that seem impossible to forgive. I bowed my head and let the tears run continuous, for all that this tragedy held, and I said my own prayer, that God would shine his light and make something of this heartbreak worthwhile.

I left today with my family,two of the most important people in my life, my sister and my husband, knowing that this ends two and a half years of struggle, regrets, sadness and doubts. It is ridiculous to say that our lives will never be the same, to me that’s so damn obvious. I do, however, feel that losing Steve was like breaking off a piece of myself that will never heal. Feeling the loss and the grief, shouldering the pain of my family, has permanently changed me. Without a doubt, I will miss you Steve, forever.