Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of Steve's death. It is also his son's 13th birthday. I am at a loss for words today over a simple phone call and conversation which started last night.

The Victim's Advocate from Douglas County called and left Lisa a message. She said there was a motion before the court and she needed Lisa's opinion. We knew last night this was not good news.

This morning, Lisa spoke with her. It seems the kid who killed Steve is looking to get off probation early. The probation officer thinks he's done a fabulous job fulfilling all of his obligations and deserves to be let off early.

He only got two years probation. That's apparently too much time.

I'm finding it difficult to believe it's been almost two years. His actual date for being done is June 16th this year. The time between Steve's death and the sentence felt like 100 years - the time between his sentence and it almost being over, went by in the blink of an eye.

I felt so sad when he got sentenced. I wasn't sure that was justice. I was sad that all of our pain and grief was only allocated 24 months. Steve was dead, our lives were changed forever but I tried to see the other side. I knew the kid who caused the accident was injured, his life would be changed forever too... right?

After getting this phone call the day before the anniversary of his death I'm no longer sure what I feel. Does this family, the family of the kid, really think his sentence was too hard? Was it too inconvenient for them to just fulfill the sentence and let us all try and get on with our lives?

I feel like the least we can expect, from all of them -the family, the kid and the courts- is for him to do his two years like a man! Not to allow this motion to be put before the courts and to make Lisa have to withstand ANOTHER slap in the face!

Not to mention, it's all the day before she tries to celebrate her son's birthday and leave the fact that's it's also the day her husband was taken from her in the farthest place in her mind.

I'm glad he fulfilled his obligations so well the probation officer feels justified in letting him off early. It's good that he can do what's required of him, after all, not much was required.

It's been 18 months of probation-a blink of an eye. That's what Steve's life is worth to our justice system.

I know Lisa, almost better than I know myself. Although she is in pain today, she's crying and upset, she'll get over it. She'll find a way to see the bright side. She always does.

So tomorrow, we'll celebrate Jackson's birthday. We'll give him presents, eat his favorite foods, indulge in chocolate cake, and we'll try not too spend too much time dwelling on the fact that his father was taken from him - taken from all of us.

Till Death Do Us Part...

Last night I went to the annual Larkspur Mother's Group Christmas party. While the party was a huge success and a TON of fun, I found myself in an awkward situation.

We are at that age among our friends where divorce happens. I'm pretty sure the national average is still somewhere over 50%, so it's unavoidable that some of your friends are going to go through it. I have a couple of friends who have been recently divorced and some who are on the verge.

At the party last night, one of the gals who is on the verge began questioning me about my marriage. I found myself, oddly, defending my relationship. I have been trying to understand where she is coming from, where she is at in her life and what she feels is necessary for her to be a happy, whole person.

I honestly don't feel like I judge my friends when they decide to get divorced. No one can really know another person's situation. I feel very strongly, in all areas of life, that it's one's own business how you handle the tough choices. I have enough to worry about with the things that will actually affect my own life. No time to concern myself with other peoples situations. Not that I don't care! I want my friends to be happy, I just don't feel just in having an opinion when it comes to other peoples relationships.

Anyway, when I found myself in the hot seat, I don't think I was very good at conveying my viewpoint. I was caught off guard, and if for no other reason, I'd like to try again for my husband who deserves to know how I feel.

I by NO means have the perfect relationship. I have shed my share of tears over my husband. He has hurt my feelings, he is sometimes callous, and I definitely wish he were more outgoing. But...

I value my marriage and family. I say things sometimes like, "I think it's important to be married to someone who will take care of you when you're sick." Another friend last night said she could just hire a nurse. That's true but I didn't mean that's the ONLY reason!

I value the fact that I have someone who takes care of me because he loves me and wants the best for me. I know without a doubt, he would take a bullet for me, or beat down a nurse in a hospital to get me the best care. He would sacrifice our house and all of our possessions to make sure the kids or I are always taken care of.

I value the fact that he keeps a job he doesn't really love, traveling away from us and his home, to make sure I can stay home and take care of our kids. I can volunteer in their classes and pick them up from the bus, and be there for EVERY single thing they need because he makes this sacrifice.

I value the fact that I don't have to know ANYTHING about the bills. I don't enjoy that part of reality and even though he really wishes I would be more involved, he understands and takes care of all of it.

I value Wade's friendship. He is the closest person to me and in any situation I know if I need him, he has my back. I can tell him ANYTHING and even when he thinks I'm wrong he still at least tries to see my side of it.

I know what it's like to have a day so bad, you're not sure you will survive it. I value the fact that I have Wade to hold my hand and stand by my side and to lift me up off the kitchen floor when I don't think I can get up by myself.

I love, adore and am SERIOUSLY attracted to my husband! I value that!!! He thinks I am beautiful even when I've gained a few pounds. He's never said anything to me about how he wished I looked differently. He has never noticed my scars, paid any attention to my stretch marks, or remarked about my gray hair or wrinkles. If he has noticed ANY of those things, I surely don't know it.

I think marriage is hard. I think some days it's really REALLY hard, but more often than not I am truly happy. I know we are giving our kids stability and love. They see us fight sometimes, but they also see us make up. They see us kiss and love each other, and they see us laugh together. I value that because I don't come from that kind of a childhood.

I know how short life can be - sometimes shockingly short. I don't want to spend it with ANYONE other than Wade. He is my rock and the right person to balance out my weaknesses. I love you Wade. Thank you for everything.

Break a Leg

I haven't been writing much, we've been busy. First it was the Swine Flu, then they had fall break and then last week they were off for three days because of snow. I've played a TON of board games, made homemade play dough, painted fingernails, did arts and crafts, watched movies I've already seen a dozen times, went sledding and to the arcade, and baked everything I know how to bake. This week they finally went back to school, but they have tomorrow off for a teacher day. BLAGHHH!!

In between my job as child entertainer and short order cook, I've had a few other things going on. On July 4th I ran the Four on the Fourth in Palmer Lake, with some friends of mine. (I realize that was four months ago but there is a reason I'm starting that far back, hang in there...)

There was one guy with us who was a complete bully! He teased me and taunted me and bet me he would beat me. We'll call this man Joe...

I am sort of competitive, so when I lost sight of Joe within the first ten minutes of the run, I knew it would take all of my strength and determination to catch up to him. At some point in the race I hurt my leg. I felt it... it hurt bad... I kept running. I am blaming the fact that I kept running on Joe. My DH is thrilled with this because it means I'm not blaming it on him.

Anyway, four months later and my leg still hurts. I went out for a run with my kids during our three week hiatus from school. It was a VERY slow run, but my leg still hurt afterward. I am fed up with this. My darling friend and doctor told me it was basically a bruised bone and could take up to nine months to heal. I DON'T LIKE THIS ANSWER. I made an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon.

Smarty Pants asked what I expected out of this appointment. I told her I wanted the NFL option. If I were in the NFL what would you tell me. She answered, "They'd tell you it's time to retire."

We had to bench her for that comment. She could have at least said I needed a Medical Marijuana card.

The doctors appointment was today. I feel sort of silly going. I can walk just fine. It doesn't hurt at all unless I am running or jumping on it. The obvious answer is to stop running and jumping, but I've done that for the past four months. Now, I am depressed and gaining weight. THIS WILL NOT DO.

I walked into the doctors office in a fabulous mood. I was going to find out what was really wrong and figure out the fastest way to being back in my Asics. I bounced up to the receptionists desk, filled out the paperwork and skipped to the waiting area to sit down.

When I sat down I started to look around. The others in the room were NOT as skippy or happy as I was. They looked beat up! Two were in wheelchairs, two were on crutches and two small children had casts on their arms.

The lady sitting next to me did not have a cast on but was on crutches and had a terrible look of pain and regret across her unhappy little face. She looked like she was in SO much pain I wanted to offer her a bullet to bite on.

I began rummaging through my purse for something to offer her, but all I could find was Midol and some gum. I was going to offer them to her just as the nurse called her name. She struggled to get up balancing her crutches with her x-rays and her purse until the nurse finally came over to help her.

"Do you need some pain medication?" the nurse asked.

"No, I'm already on some," she answered. THIS look was medicated?? I'd hate to see her when it wears off!

Three other people left the waiting room before me, all with the assistance of a loved one or the nurse to push their wheelchair or help them maneuver the crutches. Other people came in while I was waiting too, all looking like they had been hit by a bus! One lady arrived in a wheelchair AND on oxygen! Her bone hurt so bad she couldn't even breathe!

When the doctor came out and called my name I remained in my seat for a second. I felt the panic coming over me. I knew as soon as I stood up everyone would judge me, "What the hell is she doing here? She's not even hurt!" I thought about faking a limp as I walked to meet him, but I couldn't even remember which leg I had hurt. What if I limped on the wrong leg?

I made it through the walk of shame and he led me back to the office. It turned out he was really nice. He was a runner and could understand my frustration. He marked my leg with a giant X where I said it hurt and sent me back for an x-ray. When he came back into the room he told me the x-ray hadn't shown anything.

"I'd like to send you for an MRI," he said.

Okay. I mean what am I going to say at this point. Never mind. Just being here has made me feel SO much better!

On the way out of the office the doctor was telling me about a patient he had seen earlier. He had broken his collar bone and it was actually sticking out of his back! "First time I've ever seen that," he said.

I felt like a complete idiot! That guy obviously needed to go to the doctor.

"Wow! Yep... well... thanks." I stammered.

Then just as I was about to walk away he asked, "So, how fast do you run?"

I frowned thinking about my answer.

"Not as fast as Joe."

This little piggy went Wee Wee Wee all the way home.

The kids have the Swine Flu. It was confirmed yesterday in the doctors office. The funny thing is, it’s really not that bad. They are coughing hard and without the Tylenol their fever spikes to about 102, that’s when they feel really crummy. But, as long as I stay on the Tylenol they are happy, playing, normal, but completely contagious, little kids.

The doctor told me to keep them out of school the rest of the week. My son has been out the entire week and my daughter has been out since Monday afternoon.

It’s ironic that this happened this week. DH and I have been having our annual argument. You see he travels all the time. He eats in restaurants and entertains clients and sleeps in hotels nearly every week. I stay home.

I am a STAY HOME mom. It means I stay home. I go to the store. I sometimes get to go to an exercise class. I volunteer in their classrooms and set up their assemblies but mostly I STAY HOME. We eat dinner at home, almost everyday. If I have a reason to be in town with the kids, say a football practice or something, and DH is out of town, we’ll swing through the Taco Bell for dinner but other than that, we stay home.

We have homework to do every night and baths to take and reading to do and we are pretty strict about their bedtimes being 8-8:30. That hardly leaves any time to be out frolicking about.

DH doesn’t understand when he comes home why I want to go OUT! He has no desire to go out he wants to STAY HOME! I will go to movies, or football games or friends houses, or shopping, just about anything to just get out of the house and have an adult conversation that lasts more than ten minutes, and which is NOT interrupted by the kids.

Being a stay home mom is really isolating.

Add sick kids on top of that… and DH is out of town.

I have listened to them fight over the Xbox everyday, we’ve played the game Sorry, seven times, we’ve watched kid movies I’ve seen a dozen times. We’ve made brownies and Chicken Noodle Soup and I’ve listened to them fight over their crayons or the channel on the TV, but I have NOT had an adult conversation that has lasted over ten minutes in the past three days. Today, being the forth.

Being a stay home mom is really isolating.

I understand that traveling for a living isn’t fun either. I get why he wants to stay home. But I’m not going into that side of it here, let him write his own blog. This one is for me.

I need to get out of the house. I need to go to museums and out for drinks and to dinner once in a frickin’ blue moon. I need to go to movies, and lunches and hang out at friends houses. If I don’t do those things, I will be a crazy person. Today, I am a crazy person.

It is Thursday and the doctor said by Saturday or Sunday they can start getting out of the house again. Next week my kids are on fall break. We will be looking for ANYTHING to do outside of the house. Anybody got any ideas?

I'm Sailing Away

About a year ago I watched an Oprah about the power of attraction. I thought the show might be about Jeffery Dean Morgan or that hot, Argentina Polo player, Nacho Figueras, but it wasn’t. It was about the power of positive thinking, specifically in getting the things you want in your life.

One of the gals on the show was showing this board she made. She had taken pictures of things she wanted in her life and glued them to a poster board. Somewhere on the board she had a picture of Oprah because one of her goals was to meet and be on Oprah. Well, here she was!

Another gal on the show said she tells herself everyday that “the world is conspiring in her favor.” I really liked the imagery that thought put into my head. It’s like all the little creatures, birds, deer, faeries, elves, trees, even Mother Nature, sitting around thinking about how they can make my day, my world, a little better. I wrote that sentence in my loft above my writing desk.

In fact, I made myself a little positive attraction board. I even wrote about it in this blog: http://beingwrite.blogspot.com/2008/07/grumpy-dragon-wins.html. At some point I added to my board. I included a picture of a bright red, mustang convertible because I love them, and I picture of a beautiful black grand piano.

Well, my board became a little more real this week. I received a call from my fairy god mother. She wondered if I still wanted a piano.

Back tracking a little to make this story better…

When I was growing up, we had an old, upright piano. It had keys that stuck and we never had the money to get it tuned, but I still loved it. I bought a book on how to play piano and it came with these little clear stickers that had the notes on them and I stuck them to the keys. I spent hours trying to teach myself how to play. I think I learned the basics and even had one song I could play with both hands, it was Sailing Away by Styx!

I have ALWAYS wanted another piano.

So, my fairy god mother calls… she has a friend who has a baby grand piano she is thinking of giving away. We went to visit her yesterday. This woman is so kind! I told her the story of trying to teach myself how to play and she told me she had a similar story. She said she was torn about giving the piano away, but she could tell it was important to me, and she really wanted it to have a good home. I assured her it would be loved and played!

The piano is beautiful! It’s a 1907 Hardman & Peck. It was refurbished in the 80’s. I’ve honestly never been given something so beautiful and generous and it came from a complete stranger. The funny thing is, it looks exactly like the piano picture on my poster board!

It’s being delivered on Wednesday and if you see me before that with my kids, please don’t talk about it in front of them, it’s a surprise.

I can hear you pessimists out there now, laughing about my magic board. You can doubt the power of the board all you want, but just wait till that red mustang convertible drops out of the sky!!!

The world is conspiring in my favor! Now I just need to find the sheet music to Sailing Away.

Climbing Mountains

It was 4am and I was standing on my front porch in the dark, praying that a mountain lion wouldn’t eat me before I had my chance to conquer the mountains. Two close friends, my sister and I were climbing Greys and Torreys, two of Colorado’s beautiful 14ers so we had to get an early start.

The night before, as I packed my bag, I wondered if I would really need my lipstick. I packed it anyway. As the four of us met to drive up together I told them I was all set - lipstick in hand. They all laughed but each of them had brought an unusual item. One of them also brought lipstick (we are very much alike), one brought her iPod with the flashlight application (it really didn’t shine very bright), and one… my sister, brought some of the ashes of her husband Steve.

We had a goal. Steve loved the outdoors. He loved climbing the highest mountains he could find. Lisa and Steve had a plan to climb one together. In a way, we were going to accomplish that today.

As we drove up in the dark, we laughed and talked about the day. We were all excited. The two friends had done this before but this was the first 14er for my sister and me. Lisa and I were excited and a little anxious. They made fun of me for drinking coffee on the way up, they were pretty sure this would become a problem later in the morning. I couldn’t help it, there’s no way I’m rising before dawn without a little Joe.

We started out on the trail just before 6 am. The sun was beginning to rise and we were relieved to see we wouldn’t need the iPod flashlight to show us the way. We all chatted. The path at the beginning is a very gradual climb. We had a pretty long stretch before we would be above tree line. After a short time, I noticed my sister wasn’t talking much. I thought she was thinking about the day. Turned out she couldn’t breathe very well and was struggling not to pass out.

The friends who had done this before quickly realized what was happening and gave her some time to rest. They assured her this was a journey and it wasn’t about how fast we did it, it was only about accomplishing our goal. We fed her a snack, gave her some water and started off again.

Throughout the first part of the climb we stopped often. Letting everyone catch their breath and getting acclimated to the altitude. Then as we rounded a corner in the hike, the mountains we were about to climb suddenly appeared before us. They looked very far away and beyond challenging. I remembered a line from a book I read recently, “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” I was still excited and my adrenaline kept me moving forward.

I’m not sure of all the thoughts that went through Lisa’s head as we climbed. She only voiced a few.

“What the hell are we doing?”

“This is the stupidest thing we’ve ever done.”

“Look at all these happy ass people coming down.”

“Is she really running up this mountain in shorts? What the hell is wrong with that woman?”

“What have you bitches gotten me into?”

There were times when she was sincerely mad at us for getting her into the situation. The last time I saw that look on her face was in 6th grade when I wore her new Britanica jeans to field day and I fell and ripped them. She was pissed.

As we got towards the top of Greys, the wind picked up and it got really cold. I actually have never felt wind like that even when I lived in Kansas. I seriously thought for one second that it might blow me right off the mountain. I haven’t felt that light in a really long… well, EVER! It was fierce, almost like the last push to the top needed to be the hardest challenge any of us could bear.

During the hike I pretty much stayed in front the whole way, but as I knew we were about to summit I backed off. I wanted Lisa to be the first one up. She stepped up on the mountain and stood frozen to her spot for a moment. Then she turned around and we all started to cry.

We made it! It was freezing cold and the wind was whipping us about but we stood and took photos and then waited while Lisa retrieved Steve’s ashes from her backpack. She stood on the edge while we all watched, and let some of Steve’s ashes fly off the side of the mountain into the wind. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust… Steve would have been so proud of us.

We would have liked to stay on the mountain and revel in our success but we weren’t done yet. The saddleback to Torreys lay ahead. It looked very steep, but not nearly as far as standing at the bottom looking up at both of them. As we crossed the saddleback there was talk about heading back and not tackling the second mountain. As far as Lisa was concerned she’d done what she came for and didn’t need another hour climb. I knew before anyone else had decided that there was no way I was leaving without tackling Torreys as well.

I just kept walking and they all followed behind, BUT… not before I realized I SERIOUSLY had to pee! We had been above tree line for hours now and there wasn’t really any place to squat without bystanders. I was getting to the point where I didn’t really care who saw me pee, but as we came down the saddleback, I realized we were in a perfect spot. I called out to my other friend who I knew needed to go as badly as I did and we both dropped our drawers. There’s something really cool about peeing on the side of a mountain! I felt very manly!

Anyway, after the call of nature was complete we headed up the steep and rocky road to Torreys. Lisa was struggling. Finally, she gave up. She sat down and started to cry. I knew she was irritated. I also knew our friends would sit with her until she was ready to either continue on or give up. There was just one problem. There were dark clouds starting to roll in. I’m all about accomplishing my goals, but not when there is a great risk of being struck by lightening!! That’s the only time of the entire day when I contemplated giving up.

Lisa convinced us to continue up without her. We could move faster and hopefully beat the clouds. The one friend who has climbed the most 14ers convinced me these were snow clouds and not rain clouds. I sure hoped she was right. As we climbed we caught up with some guys who we had met on the other mountain. They asked if we had lost one of our friends. We said yes she was waiting down below, but when we turned to check on her we saw she was heading up behind us. We all started to cheer for her.

We all four made it to the top of Torreys together!

At the top there was a scroll to sign with our names and the date we climbed. I wrote my name and Lisa’s and then I wrote Steve Mitchell RIP 9-14-09. Lisa again opened the bag of ashes and let some more of Steve fly off of the mountain top and into the wind. I took a moment to really look around. It was incredible being up above all of the other mountains. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I can’t imagine a place Steve would love more.

We soon started back down. The journey down was actually harder for me than the trip up. All of the excitement and anticipation was behind me. It was snowy and slick and in some places treacherous. I didn’t enjoy stumbling and falling on the rocks and snow. We all laughed and made the best of it, but the only thing that really kept me going were the Mojitos I knew were waiting for us in the car and MAN were they worth it!!

My friends asked me if I thought that was harder than running the BolderBoulder. I had to think about it for a second. At the BolderBoulder I hit a wall. In mile 5 I was tired and didn’t think I could keep going. It was the hardest HOUR of my life, but this hike was 8 hours. It tested my endurance and although I never felt physically like I wouldn’t finish, it was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Afterwards we drove a little way down the mountain and found a good place to park. We all sat together, enjoyed a snack and our cocktails, and talked about our day. I remember after Steve died Lisa’s therapist told her that healing was similar to climbing a mountain. It would be difficult and long but she could make it to the top.

I am so proud of her for all that she has accomplished in the last three years. She was dealt a really shitty hand. Things have been so hard, but she has NEVER given up. She may bitch about the climb, she may even sit out once in a while thinking she’s done, but she always gets back up and continues on. I hope that in the tough times in my life I will have the strength she has had to always make it to the top. 　
　

Beware!! Aggressive Mountain Goats

I’m feeling rather random lately and I wouldn’t be surprised if this blog is a mess.

I’m pissed off that our school principal wouldn’t let our kids see the Presidential address. I remember when I was a kid. I loved the president. I had NO idea if he was a Republican or a Democrat, I loved him because he was the President.

Our principal said it was because our school doesn’t have the bandwidth capacity to allow all of the classes to watch. Funny, when I was in Jr. High we watched the space shuttle explode on a TINY little TV. in the library. There were no expectations for the entire school to have individual showings in their own classrooms. We ALL huddled around a 9inch and watched together. I just don’t see what would have been the harm in SHARING a computer screen. Unbelievable…

I honestly thought about taking my kids out of the school for the address, and showing them here at home. But after I heard what the message was… staying in school and working hard, kind of seemed like a contradiction.

And THEN last night, I had my kids sitting next to me on the sofa watching the Presidential address to Congress. I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised when someone yelled out at the President that he was a liar! And I suppose my immediate tears were an over-reaction, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?

Where has our integrity gone? How about basic MANNERS? How can we expect our children to respect their elders, their principals, teachers etc. when they are watching the HIGHEST Official in our country be screamed at while he is trying to speak? I’m not feeling all that confident over the state of our country. President Obama talked last night about the “character of our country”, I think we should be pretty ashamed of that today.

Besides all that political business, my darling boy has his first football game tonight. I am excited! I hope he does well.

I am working on re-writes and editing again on the book I have been working on for over two years. I am getting really close to the next step, or at least deciding the next step. It’s pretty difficult. To me it’s like trying to decide which babysitter you should choose for your newborn. I am afraid of handing it over only to hear the baby go THUD!

And in other news… I’m hiking my first fourteener on Sunday. Well actually, I’m hiking my first TWO! I’m excited and a little nervous... I’ve heard those mountain goats are pretty aggressive!!