I'm not sure if it's God or my Guardian Angel who speaks to me through music. It may sound crazy but it happens all the time. I'll be feeling blue and thinking of someone and I'll get into the car and turn on the radio and the song that's playing is one that reminds me specifically of that person. Or someone will send me a song, or post one to facebook and it will be the exact song I needed to hear at that moment. Does this happen to everyone?
I've been in a tailspin. Sort of clinging to the edge. Trying everything to settle myself with no real progress. I have spent most of my adult life trying to control everything. I'm not comfortable with the constant spin or roller coaster that is life. I fight against it, constantly. I fool myself on a regular basis into thinking I can control things only to be slapped with reality again. The best laid plans are often met with CHANGES completely out of our control. IT'S REALLY IRRITATING!
So last night a good friend, who I don't see nearly enough, sent me a text with loving words and a song she wanted me to listen to. The song is Blessings by Laura Story.
One of the things I've been trying, to help center myself, is running everyday. I'm only doing about 2 1/2 miles but if you know my neighborhood it's a SICK 2 1/2 miles. I CANT actually RUN the whole thing. The hills are too steep. But someday- I'm going to beat these damn hills.
Anyway- this morning before my run I downloaded Blessings and listened to it while I ran. I had it on random so it came on at the exact moment when I was struggling up a hill and cussing because it's TOO DAMN HARD. I loved the song and it settled me right down. I had a little vision in my head of my Guardian Angel carrying me up that hill. It brought me the first moment of peace I've had in a while.
The next song to come on was Jimmy Buffett Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.
Huh... DUH!
Breathe in, breathe out, MOVE ON!
I had a thought come into my head about my patterns. Throughout my life when things get tough, I shut down. Retreat into myself. Try to position myself with my back against a wall facing all the hard things with my fists up to fight them off. Trust is a hard thing for me. I can't give anything over because I don't think anyone will handle it better than me. If I keep all the balls there isn't anyone to blame but myself when it all goes to hell. No one needs to have my back because I've got my wall to protect me.
My next thought was in Dr. Phil's voice, "Well how's that working for ya?"
If my current sleeping pattern is any sign, it isn't working for shit.
So what does it all mean? I have no idea. I AM trying to give up control. I AM trying to let people help me. I AM trying to make plans knowing full well, how it all turns out is not in my control. My current plan is to count my Blessings, and Breathe In, Breathe out and Move on.
Thank you Tara.
