Being Write by Susanne Sanstra

Musical Lessons

2011-08-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if it's God or my Guardian Angel who speaks to me through music. It may sound crazy but it happens all the time. I'll be feeling blue and thinking of someone and I'll get into the car and turn on the radio and the song that's playing is one that reminds me specifically of that person. Or someone will send me a song, or post one to facebook and it will be the exact song I needed to hear at that moment. Does this happen to everyone?

I've been in a tailspin. Sort of clinging to the edge. Trying everything to settle myself with no real progress. I have spent most of my adult life trying to control everything. I'm not comfortable with the constant spin or roller coaster that is life. I fight against it, constantly. I fool myself on a regular basis into thinking I can control things only to be slapped with reality again. The best laid plans are often met with CHANGES completely out of our control. IT'S REALLY IRRITATING!

So last night a good friend, who I don't see nearly enough, sent me a text with loving words and a song she wanted me to listen to. The song is Blessings by Laura Story.

One of the things I've been trying, to help center myself, is running everyday. I'm only doing about 2 1/2 miles but if you know my neighborhood it's a SICK 2 1/2 miles. I CANT actually RUN the whole thing. The hills are too steep. But someday- I'm going to beat these damn hills.

Anyway- this morning before my run I downloaded Blessings and listened to it while I ran. I had it on random so it came on at the exact moment when I was struggling up a hill and cussing because it's TOO DAMN HARD. I loved the song and it settled me right down. I had a little vision in my head of my Guardian Angel carrying me up that hill. It brought me the first moment of peace I've had in a while.

The next song to come on was Jimmy Buffett Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.

Huh... DUH!

Breathe in, breathe out, MOVE ON!

I had a thought come into my head about my patterns. Throughout my life when things get tough, I shut down. Retreat into myself. Try to position myself with my back against a wall facing all the hard things with my fists up to fight them off. Trust is a hard thing for me. I can't give anything over because I don't think anyone will handle it better than me. If I keep all the balls there isn't anyone to blame but myself when it all goes to hell. No one needs to have my back because I've got my wall to protect me.

My next thought was in Dr. Phil's voice, "Well how's that working for ya?"

If my current sleeping pattern is any sign, it isn't working for shit.

So what does it all mean? I have no idea. I AM trying to give up control. I AM trying to let people help me. I AM trying to make plans knowing full well, how it all turns out is not in my control. My current plan is to count my Blessings, and Breathe In, Breathe out and Move on.

Thank you Tara.

The Abyss

2011-07-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

From his bed this morning at 8:00am he spoke quietly, “Thank you for everything. I love you.” While I cried and hugged him. I told him to be strong and he promised he would.

My dad thinks he’s lost his dignity but I strongly disagree. He may have lost his modesty but not his dignity. In 2 short months my dad has gone from being a gale force wind to only a whisper. He’s lost 60+ pounds. He cannot stand on his own. We lift him to his feet where he locks his knees and somehow manages to stay upright with what seems to be only bones and ligaments and help from a trusty walker. He needs our help with even the most personal things. For a man like my dad, I can’t imagine what that’s like for him. I can‘t imagine what‘s going through his mind.

When we took him from the hospital two weeks ago, we had no idea what we were facing. My sister and I wheeled him out to the car with the naive idea that we could lift him into the car. We tried twice, leaving us the second time with his back on the passenger seat and his butt and legs falling out of the car towards the ground. I held him there precariously hoping and praying he wouldn’t end up on the street. A man walking by saw us and came to help. So completely unprepared, we drove away.

The last two weeks have been hard to handle. I know so many people go through the same things with their parents sooner or later but when it happens it’s such a shock. As one doctor said this week, “They take you to the edge of the abyss and then they snatch you back. Take you to the edge again, dangle you over and then they snatch you back.” He was talking about my dad’s Chemo but the feeling is universal for the caretakers. We slowly unravel trying desperately to make rational decisions and find some sort of footing when everything seems to be crumbling out from underneath us.

I am lucky to have my brother and sister. I cannot imagine doing any of this alone. If we can somehow bind together our strength, time and love, we may find a way to make this work. If we could just hand over that strength, time and love to our dad, we’d be in a much better situation.

He is fighting a very tough battle and as much as we’d like to help him fight, in many ways he’s on his own. Always with thoughts of life and how precarious and precious it is, we stand beside him. I wish for him many more moments of happiness. Fireworks and laughter. Great food. Great Music. Moments of peace, free from pain and concern. I hope that his heart is filled with the love his family has for him. I hope he feels our determination to help him through this horrible time. Be strong. Be positive. We love you and we'll see you soon.

ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

2011-05-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

Writing is the one thing that keeps me sane. It’s my own private therapy. I’ve only been to actual therapy once in my life and I wasn’t a big fan. Didn’t really seem like that person was invested in anything except pointing fingers and taking my check. For me, working it out through the words I write, edit and delete on the page seems to help more. And so, I write.

My dad has cancer. Not a sissy kind, (is there a sissy kind?) A big, bad scary kind. Two weeks ago, he had a seizure, which lead to a hospital stay, which lead to a diagnosis of Stage Four Colon Cancer. It is now in his colon, liver, lungs and brain. Well, hopefully not in his brain anymore. Last Thursday he did radiation. CyberKnife radiation which hits each tumor directly and has a 90% success rate. I hope, it’s not in his brain anymore.

He is also doing Chemotherapy. They put in a medi-port and are administering the Chemo for 48 hours every two weeks. The first round wasn’t too bad, he didn’t get sick. His mouth was a little sore but that was it. He’s taking the second round right now. There is a weird side effect with this type of Chemo, where he will be affected by cold. The doctor said he won’t be able to drink anything cold or even touch anything cold without having it physically hurt. He told me today that side effect has started.

This whole thing has been really hard for me to understand. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that anything would ever happen to him. I guess I always saw my dad as larger than life. We haven’t always got along great. But when I reflect on that, my hurt and anger was always about not having more of him, and instead of making that happen, I shut down and shut him out and now… now I have regrets.

I love my dad and I know he loves me. That’s all that really matters. He’s taught me a lot. He’s taught me how to whistle. And I can whistle REALLY loud. He taught me how to cook, and I’m a REALLY good cook and he taught me the love of the sale, even if it’s just selling your point. I love to argue. I think I can turn people to my way of thinking.

Selling something is just getting your way and getting paid for it. I’ve had many a moment in a car, right after you leave a business and you know you’ve got them in the bag, and you turn up the radio REALLY loud and sing your ass off, because NO ONE is as AWESOME as you are at that moment. I got that from my dad.

We have a tough road ahead. I find it ironic that I want to be a nurse and have often spoke about working in oncology and now my dad has cancer. Fucking Funny how life works, huh? I’ve put off school for the summer. I just want to spend time with him, I want my kids to spend time with him. I hope he can teach them how to whistle, and to cook. I want to put all of the damned regrets aside.

The Jackson’s have been called many things, one of the nicer one’s is that we’re stubborn. We are also fighters. Sometimes, not in the best way, but we don’t let the shit get us down. I am a Jackson. “ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM!” I think I learned that phrase when I was about 10. It’s Latin and it means don’t let the bastards get you down. Well the bastard is cancer, and it’s time to fight like a Jackson. I love you, Dad.

Just a whisper

2011-03-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

I believe strongly that when a theme presents itself to you in the Universe over and over again, there is a reason. I think it's God gently trying to guide our lives in the proper direction. Sometimes it's a whisper so faint you nearly miss it. Other times it presents itself as loud and obvious as Thunder and Lightning.

This week was Spring Break for the kids. We decided to have a stay-cation. DH took the week off so we were just going to do fun stuff around town. The week started with Thunder and Lightning. I have a friend who I haven't seen much in the past 10 years. We used to work together in a very VERY small office. It was just the two of us who worked for our company in Colorado Springs. Because of our close, isolated circumstances we got to know each other very well. Even though I haven't seen her much, we've stayed in contact through Facebook and I do consider her a friend.

Last October, her two year old fell into a swimming pool and nearly drown. I have read every update and stayed ever present in her situation. I took the situation, as tragic as it was, as a reason to stay more focused on my own kids. To be ever present in their lives and to keep the thought that everything can change in an instant in the forefront of my mind. Appreciate what you have!

Last weekend my same friend's sister was in a terrible car accident. The family was driving home from a vacation. Their 15 year old was driving and lost control of the car. The parents were ejected from the car and are in critical condition. Their 11 year old son was also ejected and sadly, perished. The only conscious member of the family is the 15 year old who was driving the car, and now, he has this terrible burden to carry.

Once again I am reminded, everything can change in an instant. We are not in control, and as much as we would like to keep our family safe, we simply can't. There are risks, every day. We can not possibly shelter them from every one. We must put our trust in God and do the one thing we can... be grateful.

I spent the week with my own family doing as many fun and fabulous things as we could wrap up in a single week. I laughed at my kids and took many pictures, I listened to their stories and listened to them play with each other. We had a great week. But my friend and her family never left my mind. I want to help, but how?

Running parallel in my life right now is my search for a new plan. I've written about my balance between being a mother and finding work. About feeling inadequate after not working for ten years. I decided a few weeks ago that I'd like to go back to school and get my RN. I have been researching schools and programs and trying to find the right one. Although I am eligible for an accelerated program, because I already have a degree, the pace is too much for my balance. I am starting this summer and plan to take it slow and steady. It should take me no more than three years.

I believe there have been many signs pointing me in this direction. I understand tragedy and have lived through a few myself. I find myself in a painful situation when I know there is nothing I can do to help. I find people's stories so fascinating. Everyone has one and sometimes the story which feels at the time like an ending, only opens you up to a whole new beginning. I realize working as an RN you aren't privy to the end of the story. Many times you have no idea what happens after they leave you but this is, at the very least, a way I think I can help. This is a way, that for the briefest moment, I can be a part of their stories.

In the next few years I will be blogging about being a student again at (cough) 40. I will write about balancing my life moving forward with my job as mother to my kids. But mostly I will remember always to stay focused on the good things in life, because whether you are brave enough to admit it, or to stand in the face of it, everything can change in an instant.

Just another day in the life...

2011-01-11T11:26:00.000-08:00

We've always thought we have the best driveway ever for sledding. It heads downhill from the street and goes into the grass for about 3feet before hitting a line of trees. The kids have sled down this hill hundreds of times. This last Sunday, the kids bundled up and headed out. I stood at the kitchen window watching them for a couple of minutes, making myself a cup of hot tea. When my tea was done, I headed up to the loft to do some writing. I barely made it up the stairs before my son hit the backdoor screaming. My 7 year old daughter hit the 6inch retaining wall to the left of the driveway.

I ran down the stairs to find my bleeding daughter on all fours in the garage. She didn't want to come in the house because she was bleeding so bad. I grabbed a sweatshirt off the floor and put it on her head and got her into the bathroom. My husband and I took one look at the giant gash on her forehead and knew she needed stitches. I honestly haven't ever seen anything so bad.

A strange calm took over me. I knew we needed to move to the next step. I called my BFF's husband who is our doctor. He told me to bring her over. I knew as long as I got her over to his house, we'd be okay. He would take care of the rest. I loaded us up in the car. Husband in the backseat applying pressure. My son, completely freaked out, he knew she was going to hit the wall and he yelled her name. She looked up just in time to catch the edge right between the eyes. He thought it was somehow his fault.

When we got to my friends house the Doctor took over. He drove us to his office. I was probably the most scared in the car. My daughter started vomiting and saying she couldn't breath. She was also having a hard time keeping her eyes open, as if she'd just fall asleep. I was sure she had a concussion and we'd be heading for the emergency room. My Doctor stayed calm and talked to my baby calmly telling her how to breath until she got control again. At the office he checked her out thoroughly and told me it probably wasn't a concussion it was just the adrenalin.

He then put somewhere around 25 stitches in her head, but not before he showed me her skull and the artery she had just missed severing. Looking at my child's skull through a gaping wound in her head is not something I ever want to do again, but even through that part I remained calm. I knew we had done our best to take care of her. Somehow a mother's strength takes over in times like these. She needed us to take care of her and we did whatever it took to make sure she'd be okay. There simply wasn't any time or need to lose it, even though I may have wanted to.

This leads me to the second part of this post. I got the call for a second interview on the job I talked about last week. I have done a lot of soul searching this week, and talked to a lot of my friends about the situation. I've talked to both working mothers and stay home moms. I know I'd be great at this job. It's selling advertising which is something I've done successfully in the past. I think the company is a sound one, and their publication is something I can see value in.

The question I have to ask myself is whether I really want a job. My kids are still so young and after this weekend, I know very clearly they still need me. One of my friends, who I was soliciting advice from said, she wants to be around her kids as long as they want her to be around. This really stuck with me. It won't last forever and that's something I have to face as a mother. Someday, they won't want me to be in their daily lives. If we are doing our jobs properly, not only will they become successful and productive, but they'll want to be independent of us. But what does that mean for me?

I'm going to the second interview. I want to know more about the position and the company. I know they are hoping to hire someone full time for base plus a commission. I asked on the phone if they were willing to consider a commission only position with more flexibility on the hours. I'm not sure where they stand on that possibility, but I'm willing to take it as far as I can.

I am one of the lucky one's and I'm very aware of that. I don't have to get a job. DH goes to work everyday, traveling away from his family way more than he wants to, just so I can stay home with the kids. I know we could always use more money. Retirement would come a lot quicker for DH if I contributed financially, and I know I want to do that for him, but after this weekend I know, I won't take a full time position yet. I want to be around my kids as long as they want me.

I am so lucky to have had the last ten years with them. They are turning into incredible people, who I truly enjoy being around. I know if I continue my search and keep my mind open and think creatively, I will find the perfect part time position. That way I can contribute more to the husband who deserves a break, without taking anything away from my kids who actually still want me around.

Job Posting: Manager of Magical Creatures

2011-01-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

When I decided to stay home with my kids it was a mutual decision. Actually, DH asked me to stay home when Nick was born. He asked me to give it 6 months. I never thought I'd make it. I loved working. I found my personality was a perfect fit for sales and my last job was a real joy. My boss actually offered me a promotion to sales manager when I was 9 months pregnant. He was hoping I would come back.

I didn't, and 6 months has turned into 10 years. It went by in the blink of an eye. I would be lying if I said every single moment was met with joy and wonderment. Some moments were REALLY boring. Lots of moments tested every ounce of my patience. Housework is so unfulfilling. Each task is something that will have to be redone in a very short time, with young kids in the house it's a very, VERY short time.

But the times that are fulfilling- when they start to walk, or chase the dog around the island with their push toy laughing like a lunatic. When they call your name or in Nick's case say "tree"- his first word other than mama and dada. When they ask you a million times in one day to "uppie me"- Melanie- when they fall asleep in your lap, or when they are sick and only you can wipe their sore, snotty noses. Those times make it so worthwhile. More worthwhile than ANYthing I could have been doing the last ten years.

I think we have been happy. I know my role is under appreciated. The kids don't know what it's like to have to go to daycare everyday and when we pass by the Kindercare building they think it looks like a lot of fun.

My DH caught me mopping the floor recently and said to me, "I didn't know you did that." I responded in my normally snarky way with, "Who did you think did it, the f%&king fairies?" I'm still not sure who he thought had been doing it for the last 10 years, but maybe if I'd made it clear it was me he would have appreciated my role more.

I know many women in my position who have felt the same way. It's difficult for men to appreciate what we do around the house. They think the kids raise themselves and that magical creatures pick their underwear off the floor and make sure it somehow ends up clean and back in their drawers. But I know what I've done for all three of them, the last ten years, has made a difference in who they will become as adults. Especially, DH.

We are at a crossroads... I have an interview, on Thursday, for a job I know I would be good at. I know bringing in an income will help me to feel more valuable. My kids won't be kids forever, and I have to keep my skills up so I can do something when they no longer need me. I remember the feeling of having other people validate your work. It feels great. Not to mention, actually receiving a paycheck for your trouble.

But I don't just want to get a job. This feels like an opportunity. An opportunity to reinvent myself. I know I can do anything I want to, and I'm not in the position where I have to take a job if it doesn't feel like the right fit. I want to do something I'm good at, something that matters to me. I want to wake up feeling excited to go to work, so it's not so hard to leave the kids.

I am a different person than I was 10 years ago. My priorities are different. I'm not sure I'm as motivated by money as I was in my 20's. Now, I'm more motivated by a sense of accomplishment. I think I'm more focused, probably more reliable, and definitely more confident. Heck, who wouldn't want to hire me? I can motivate fairies to mop floors and I'm an expert at managing magical creatures. I think I'll go add those things to my resume.

New Years Resolution 2011

2011-01-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

"It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life." GreenDay

This is my New Years Resolution. I don't like resolutions. Too many of them revolve around basic things we should be doing anyway. They don't make us grow as human beings, they don't change our lives, they're simple things that are easy to let go by about mid-February.

Yes, I need to get back to my workout schedule. I like to fit in my clothes better. I shouldn't eat so much sugar, or butter, but that's not my resolution.

I should write more. Writing makes me happy- BUT WAIT! That's it!!! My New Years Resolution is to be happier!

I resolve to do something that makes me happy, everyday. I believe in the kind of Karma that Energy creates like Energy. If I am happier, the people around me will be happier too. I remember when I was a kid. My parents labeled me as "the moody one." Well guess what? The second someone calls you, moody or grumpy, you feel MOODY AND GRUMPY!

I don't really think I am the moody one. I think on most occasions I am looking for the bright side. Sometimes it's hard to find. And once in a while, I break down and am a real GRUMP. But when I'm grumpy, my kids are grumpy too.

Life is short.

I am reminded of this every year at this time. I remember our last Christmas with Steve. Lisa, Steve, Wade and I went to The Famous in Colorado Springs for dinner. The food was fabulous and we had a great time. But, I wonder, if we had known it was our last time out as couples, would we have done some things different? Would we have danced in the streets? Would we have stayed out really late? Would we have had more meaningful conversations about how much we appreciated each other?

Well, why the HELL aren't we doing that more often, now?

I want everyone to be able to say at the end of my days, she had the time of her life. We owe it to ourselves and to our God to make the most of this life we have been given. If you aren't happy, change it. If you aren't doing something you love, change it. The worst saying of 2010- "It is what it is." I call BULLSHIT! It is what you make it.

I know bad things happen. They happen in the blink of an eye and everything you've ever known is changed. When we know the lows are going to be really low, why are we not striving to make the highs REALLY HIGH?

"Hey. Come on try a little. Nothing is forever. there's got to be something better than in the middle." Wallflowers

I don't want to be in the middle of life. Doing okay. I'm just fine, thanks. And how are you?

I call BULLSHIT. Make an impact in your own life. Make a difference. Do something you love or at the very least, do something that makes you happy.

Butter and sugar make me happy. I guess they are back on the list for 2011. Oh well, running makes me happy too.

From the PRESIDENT's desk

2010-08-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

It was a tight race but I am this years PTO President and Smarty Pants is the VP, Lord help them! Actually, no one ran against us... but it would have been a hell of a fight. I am a little disappointed I didn't get to give my speech. I was going to wrap it up by singing "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

My first order of business is to keep SP from making anyone cry. At least for the first few months. I know it's a tall order but I'm serious about this new gig.

Actually, I have been giving some thought to school improvement and I wanted to sort some things out on the Blog before I present them in the PTO meeting.

The first is an Enrichment class I've been thinking about. It's called Survivor Student. We take 30 some kids and put them through vigorous challenges... like standing on a street corner, twirling a "Will Work For Food" sign. The students will have to write a resume to get off the corner. Points will be given for choreography of the twirling, correct spelling and grammar on the resume, as well as how much money they collect while on the corner.

Or something simple like putting together a puzzle of the US. For every state in the incorrect place we'll give them a little zap from one of those dog collars. If it can teach a dog to stay off the sofa, I think it might work wonders for Geography.

Every week the kid who cries gets voted off, by the end of six weeks whoever is left becomes Student Council President.

The next improvement I've been thinking about is more for the teachers. I think they should pick the kid out of the class who is... let's say... acting inappropriately, give him a shirt with his name on it, and send him out to wash all the teacher's cars during lunch. It's sort of a reality check mixed in with some teacher appreciation. Really killing two birds with one stone...

Last... and this one is the BEST... is for parents who like to complain but don't ever help out. I'd like to put together a simple list of consequences for bad behavior. The first time you complain about something, you will be asked to help out by monitoring the students washing the cars- and you will be issued a dog collar. The second time you complain... zap. AND, if you are stupid enough to complain a third time after being zapped with a dog collar, you will be voted off the island and asked to find a charter school.

See, I'm gonna make a GREAT PTO President! Ideas for the Enrichment class can be submitted as a comment. Any complaints about this Blog should be sent to SP, but not until she's back from buying a handful of dog collars.

January 2009

2010-08-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

Just found this in my archives... I wrote it in January 2009 and never posted it. Now I think it's funny and I want to share!

Aphorism: a concise statement of general truth

And so today another day...
The vultures flock above my head
And question whether not I'm dead

But as I drink my bottle o'wine
I am sure it's a healthful sign

That my breathing seems to repeat
And my heart keeps up it's beat

But for now I'll dance a jig
After one more tasty swig

I'll ignore the doubtful twins
Who always notice all my sins

And keep my head about the rest
Hoping always for the best

Tottering slightly way up here
As I look around in fear

Realizing as I tottle
Down I fall into the bottle

Drowning in my own despise
I climb upon my own self-lies

To survive another day
I must learn to change my way

With the wine I can not win
So how about I try the gin

Tomorrow

2010-01-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of Steve's death. It is also his son's 13th birthday. I am at a loss for words today over a simple phone call and conversation which started last night.

The Victim's Advocate from Douglas County called and left Lisa a message. She said there was a motion before the court and she needed Lisa's opinion. We knew last night this was not good news.

This morning, Lisa spoke with her. It seems the kid who killed Steve is looking to get off probation early. The probation officer thinks he's done a fabulous job fulfilling all of his obligations and deserves to be let off early.

He only got two years probation. That's apparently too much time.

I'm finding it difficult to believe it's been almost two years. His actual date for being done is June 16th this year. The time between Steve's death and the sentence felt like 100 years - the time between his sentence and it almost being over, went by in the blink of an eye.

I felt so sad when he got sentenced. I wasn't sure that was justice. I was sad that all of our pain and grief was only allocated 24 months. Steve was dead, our lives were changed forever but I tried to see the other side. I knew the kid who caused the accident was injured, his life would be changed forever too... right?

After getting this phone call the day before the anniversary of his death I'm no longer sure what I feel. Does this family, the family of the kid, really think his sentence was too hard? Was it too inconvenient for them to just fulfill the sentence and let us all try and get on with our lives?

I feel like the least we can expect, from all of them -the family, the kid and the courts- is for him to do his two years like a man! Not to allow this motion to be put before the courts and to make Lisa have to withstand ANOTHER slap in the face!

Not to mention, it's all the day before she tries to celebrate her son's birthday and leave the fact that's it's also the day her husband was taken from her in the farthest place in her mind.

I'm glad he fulfilled his obligations so well the probation officer feels justified in letting him off early. It's good that he can do what's required of him, after all, not much was required.

It's been 18 months of probation-a blink of an eye. That's what Steve's life is worth to our justice system.

I know Lisa, almost better than I know myself. Although she is in pain today, she's crying and upset, she'll get over it. She'll find a way to see the bright side. She always does.

So tomorrow, we'll celebrate Jackson's birthday. We'll give him presents, eat his favorite foods, indulge in chocolate cake, and we'll try not too spend too much time dwelling on the fact that his father was taken from him - taken from all of us.

Till Death Do Us Part...

2009-12-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to the annual Larkspur Mother's Group Christmas party. While the party was a huge success and a TON of fun, I found myself in an awkward situation.

We are at that age among our friends where divorce happens. I'm pretty sure the national average is still somewhere over 50%, so it's unavoidable that some of your friends are going to go through it. I have a couple of friends who have been recently divorced and some who are on the verge.

At the party last night, one of the gals who is on the verge began questioning me about my marriage. I found myself, oddly, defending my relationship. I have been trying to understand where she is coming from, where she is at in her life and what she feels is necessary for her to be a happy, whole person.

I honestly don't feel like I judge my friends when they decide to get divorced. No one can really know another person's situation. I feel very strongly, in all areas of life, that it's one's own business how you handle the tough choices. I have enough to worry about with the things that will actually affect my own life. No time to concern myself with other peoples situations. Not that I don't care! I want my friends to be happy, I just don't feel just in having an opinion when it comes to other peoples relationships.

Anyway, when I found myself in the hot seat, I don't think I was very good at conveying my viewpoint. I was caught off guard, and if for no other reason, I'd like to try again for my husband who deserves to know how I feel.

I by NO means have the perfect relationship. I have shed my share of tears over my husband. He has hurt my feelings, he is sometimes callous, and I definitely wish he were more outgoing. But...

I value my marriage and family. I say things sometimes like, "I think it's important to be married to someone who will take care of you when you're sick." Another friend last night said she could just hire a nurse. That's true but I didn't mean that's the ONLY reason!

I value the fact that I have someone who takes care of me because he loves me and wants the best for me. I know without a doubt, he would take a bullet for me, or beat down a nurse in a hospital to get me the best care. He would sacrifice our house and all of our possessions to make sure the kids or I are always taken care of.

I value the fact that he keeps a job he doesn't really love, traveling away from us and his home, to make sure I can stay home and take care of our kids. I can volunteer in their classes and pick them up from the bus, and be there for EVERY single thing they need because he makes this sacrifice.

I value the fact that I don't have to know ANYTHING about the bills. I don't enjoy that part of reality and even though he really wishes I would be more involved, he understands and takes care of all of it.

I value Wade's friendship. He is the closest person to me and in any situation I know if I need him, he has my back. I can tell him ANYTHING and even when he thinks I'm wrong he still at least tries to see my side of it.

I know what it's like to have a day so bad, you're not sure you will survive it. I value the fact that I have Wade to hold my hand and stand by my side and to lift me up off the kitchen floor when I don't think I can get up by myself.

I love, adore and am SERIOUSLY attracted to my husband! I value that!!! He thinks I am beautiful even when I've gained a few pounds. He's never said anything to me about how he wished I looked differently. He has never noticed my scars, paid any attention to my stretch marks, or remarked about my gray hair or wrinkles. If he has noticed ANY of those things, I surely don't know it.

I think marriage is hard. I think some days it's really REALLY hard, but more often than not I am truly happy. I know we are giving our kids stability and love. They see us fight sometimes, but they also see us make up. They see us kiss and love each other, and they see us laugh together. I value that because I don't come from that kind of a childhood.

I know how short life can be - sometimes shockingly short. I don't want to spend it with ANYONE other than Wade. He is my rock and the right person to balance out my weaknesses. I love you Wade. Thank you for everything.

Break a Leg

2009-11-05T14:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing much, we've been busy. First it was the Swine Flu, then they had fall break and then last week they were off for three days because of snow. I've played a TON of board games, made homemade play dough, painted fingernails, did arts and crafts, watched movies I've already seen a dozen times, went sledding and to the arcade, and baked everything I know how to bake. This week they finally went back to school, but they have tomorrow off for a teacher day. BLAGHHH!!

In between my job as child entertainer and short order cook, I've had a few other things going on. On July 4th I ran the Four on the Fourth in Palmer Lake, with some friends of mine. (I realize that was four months ago but there is a reason I'm starting that far back, hang in there...)

There was one guy with us who was a complete bully! He teased me and taunted me and bet me he would beat me. We'll call this man Joe...

I am sort of competitive, so when I lost sight of Joe within the first ten minutes of the run, I knew it would take all of my strength and determination to catch up to him. At some point in the race I hurt my leg. I felt it... it hurt bad... I kept running. I am blaming the fact that I kept running on Joe. My DH is thrilled with this because it means I'm not blaming it on him.

Anyway, four months later and my leg still hurts. I went out for a run with my kids during our three week hiatus from school. It was a VERY slow run, but my leg still hurt afterward. I am fed up with this. My darling friend and doctor told me it was basically a bruised bone and could take up to nine months to heal. I DON'T LIKE THIS ANSWER. I made an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon.

Smarty Pants asked what I expected out of this appointment. I told her I wanted the NFL option. If I were in the NFL what would you tell me. She answered, "They'd tell you it's time to retire."

We had to bench her for that comment. She could have at least said I needed a Medical Marijuana card.

The doctors appointment was today. I feel sort of silly going. I can walk just fine. It doesn't hurt at all unless I am running or jumping on it. The obvious answer is to stop running and jumping, but I've done that for the past four months. Now, I am depressed and gaining weight. THIS WILL NOT DO.

I walked into the doctors office in a fabulous mood. I was going to find out what was really wrong and figure out the fastest way to being back in my Asics. I bounced up to the receptionists desk, filled out the paperwork and skipped to the waiting area to sit down.

When I sat down I started to look around. The others in the room were NOT as skippy or happy as I was. They looked beat up! Two were in wheelchairs, two were on crutches and two small children had casts on their arms.

The lady sitting next to me did not have a cast on but was on crutches and had a terrible look of pain and regret across her unhappy little face. She looked like she was in SO much pain I wanted to offer her a bullet to bite on.

I began rummaging through my purse for something to offer her, but all I could find was Midol and some gum. I was going to offer them to her just as the nurse called her name. She struggled to get up balancing her crutches with her x-rays and her purse until the nurse finally came over to help her.

"Do you need some pain medication?" the nurse asked.

"No, I'm already on some," she answered. THIS look was medicated?? I'd hate to see her when it wears off!

Three other people left the waiting room before me, all with the assistance of a loved one or the nurse to push their wheelchair or help them maneuver the crutches. Other people came in while I was waiting too, all looking like they had been hit by a bus! One lady arrived in a wheelchair AND on oxygen! Her bone hurt so bad she couldn't even breathe!

When the doctor came out and called my name I remained in my seat for a second. I felt the panic coming over me. I knew as soon as I stood up everyone would judge me, "What the hell is she doing here? She's not even hurt!" I thought about faking a limp as I walked to meet him, but I couldn't even remember which leg I had hurt. What if I limped on the wrong leg?

I made it through the walk of shame and he led me back to the office. It turned out he was really nice. He was a runner and could understand my frustration. He marked my leg with a giant X where I said it hurt and sent me back for an x-ray. When he came back into the room he told me the x-ray hadn't shown anything.

"I'd like to send you for an MRI," he said.

Okay. I mean what am I going to say at this point. Never mind. Just being here has made me feel SO much better!

On the way out of the office the doctor was telling me about a patient he had seen earlier. He had broken his collar bone and it was actually sticking out of his back! "First time I've ever seen that," he said.

I felt like a complete idiot! That guy obviously needed to go to the doctor.

"Wow! Yep... well... thanks." I stammered.

Then just as I was about to walk away he asked, "So, how fast do you run?"

I frowned thinking about my answer.

"Not as fast as Joe."

This little piggy went Wee Wee Wee all the way home.

2009-10-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

The kids have the Swine Flu. It was confirmed yesterday in the doctors office. The funny thing is, it’s really not that bad. They are coughing hard and without the Tylenol their fever spikes to about 102, that’s when they feel really crummy. But, as long as I stay on the Tylenol they are happy, playing, normal, but completely contagious, little kids.

The doctor told me to keep them out of school the rest of the week. My son has been out the entire week and my daughter has been out since Monday afternoon.

It’s ironic that this happened this week. DH and I have been having our annual argument. You see he travels all the time. He eats in restaurants and entertains clients and sleeps in hotels nearly every week. I stay home.

I am a STAY HOME mom. It means I stay home. I go to the store. I sometimes get to go to an exercise class. I volunteer in their classrooms and set up their assemblies but mostly I STAY HOME. We eat dinner at home, almost everyday. If I have a reason to be in town with the kids, say a football practice or something, and DH is out of town, we’ll swing through the Taco Bell for dinner but other than that, we stay home.

We have homework to do every night and baths to take and reading to do and we are pretty strict about their bedtimes being 8-8:30. That hardly leaves any time to be out frolicking about.

DH doesn’t understand when he comes home why I want to go OUT! He has no desire to go out he wants to STAY HOME! I will go to movies, or football games or friends houses, or shopping, just about anything to just get out of the house and have an adult conversation that lasts more than ten minutes, and which is NOT interrupted by the kids.

Being a stay home mom is really isolating.

Add sick kids on top of that… and DH is out of town.

I have listened to them fight over the Xbox everyday, we’ve played the game Sorry, seven times, we’ve watched kid movies I’ve seen a dozen times. We’ve made brownies and Chicken Noodle Soup and I’ve listened to them fight over their crayons or the channel on the TV, but I have NOT had an adult conversation that has lasted over ten minutes in the past three days. Today, being the forth.

Being a stay home mom is really isolating.

I understand that traveling for a living isn’t fun either. I get why he wants to stay home. But I’m not going into that side of it here, let him write his own blog. This one is for me.

I need to get out of the house. I need to go to museums and out for drinks and to dinner once in a frickin’ blue moon. I need to go to movies, and lunches and hang out at friends houses. If I don’t do those things, I will be a crazy person. Today, I am a crazy person.

It is Thursday and the doctor said by Saturday or Sunday they can start getting out of the house again. Next week my kids are on fall break. We will be looking for ANYTHING to do outside of the house. Anybody got any ideas?

I'm Sailing Away

2009-10-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I watched an Oprah about the power of attraction. I thought the show might be about Jeffery Dean Morgan or that hot, Argentina Polo player, Nacho Figueras, but it wasn’t. It was about the power of positive thinking, specifically in getting the things you want in your life.

One of the gals on the show was showing this board she made. She had taken pictures of things she wanted in her life and glued them to a poster board. Somewhere on the board she had a picture of Oprah because one of her goals was to meet and be on Oprah. Well, here she was!

Another gal on the show said she tells herself everyday that “the world is conspiring in her favor.” I really liked the imagery that thought put into my head. It’s like all the little creatures, birds, deer, faeries, elves, trees, even Mother Nature, sitting around thinking about how they can make my day, my world, a little better. I wrote that sentence in my loft above my writing desk.

In fact, I made myself a little positive attraction board. I even wrote about it in this blog: http://beingwrite.blogspot.com/2008/07/grumpy-dragon-wins.html. At some point I added to my board. I included a picture of a bright red, mustang convertible because I love them, and I picture of a beautiful black grand piano.

Well, my board became a little more real this week. I received a call from my fairy god mother. She wondered if I still wanted a piano.

Back tracking a little to make this story better…

When I was growing up, we had an old, upright piano. It had keys that stuck and we never had the money to get it tuned, but I still loved it. I bought a book on how to play piano and it came with these little clear stickers that had the notes on them and I stuck them to the keys. I spent hours trying to teach myself how to play. I think I learned the basics and even had one song I could play with both hands, it was Sailing Away by Styx!

I have ALWAYS wanted another piano.

So, my fairy god mother calls… she has a friend who has a baby grand piano she is thinking of giving away. We went to visit her yesterday. This woman is so kind! I told her the story of trying to teach myself how to play and she told me she had a similar story. She said she was torn about giving the piano away, but she could tell it was important to me, and she really wanted it to have a good home. I assured her it would be loved and played!

The piano is beautiful! It’s a 1907 Hardman & Peck. It was refurbished in the 80’s. I’ve honestly never been given something so beautiful and generous and it came from a complete stranger. The funny thing is, it looks exactly like the piano picture on my poster board!

It’s being delivered on Wednesday and if you see me before that with my kids, please don’t talk about it in front of them, it’s a surprise.

I can hear you pessimists out there now, laughing about my magic board. You can doubt the power of the board all you want, but just wait till that red mustang convertible drops out of the sky!!!

The world is conspiring in my favor! Now I just need to find the sheet music to Sailing Away.

Climbing Mountains

2009-09-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

It was 4am and I was standing on my front porch in the dark, praying that a mountain lion wouldn’t eat me before I had my chance to conquer the mountains. Two close friends, my sister and I were climbing Greys and Torreys, two of Colorado’s beautiful 14ers so we had to get an early start.

The night before, as I packed my bag, I wondered if I would really need my lipstick. I packed it anyway. As the four of us met to drive up together I told them I was all set - lipstick in hand. They all laughed but each of them had brought an unusual item. One of them also brought lipstick (we are very much alike), one brought her iPod with the flashlight application (it really didn’t shine very bright), and one… my sister, brought some of the ashes of her husband Steve.

We had a goal. Steve loved the outdoors. He loved climbing the highest mountains he could find. Lisa and Steve had a plan to climb one together. In a way, we were going to accomplish that today.

As we drove up in the dark, we laughed and talked about the day. We were all excited. The two friends had done this before but this was the first 14er for my sister and me. Lisa and I were excited and a little anxious. They made fun of me for drinking coffee on the way up, they were pretty sure this would become a problem later in the morning. I couldn’t help it, there’s no way I’m rising before dawn without a little Joe.

We started out on the trail just before 6 am. The sun was beginning to rise and we were relieved to see we wouldn’t need the iPod flashlight to show us the way. We all chatted. The path at the beginning is a very gradual climb. We had a pretty long stretch before we would be above tree line. After a short time, I noticed my sister wasn’t talking much. I thought she was thinking about the day. Turned out she couldn’t breathe very well and was struggling not to pass out.

The friends who had done this before quickly realized what was happening and gave her some time to rest. They assured her this was a journey and it wasn’t about how fast we did it, it was only about accomplishing our goal. We fed her a snack, gave her some water and started off again.

Throughout the first part of the climb we stopped often. Letting everyone catch their breath and getting acclimated to the altitude. Then as we rounded a corner in the hike, the mountains we were about to climb suddenly appeared before us. They looked very far away and beyond challenging. I remembered a line from a book I read recently, “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” I was still excited and my adrenaline kept me moving forward.

I’m not sure of all the thoughts that went through Lisa’s head as we climbed. She only voiced a few.

“What the hell are we doing?”

“This is the stupidest thing we’ve ever done.”

“Look at all these happy ass people coming down.”

“Is she really running up this mountain in shorts? What the hell is wrong with that woman?”

“What have you bitches gotten me into?”

There were times when she was sincerely mad at us for getting her into the situation. The last time I saw that look on her face was in 6th grade when I wore her new Britanica jeans to field day and I fell and ripped them. She was pissed.

As we got towards the top of Greys, the wind picked up and it got really cold. I actually have never felt wind like that even when I lived in Kansas. I seriously thought for one second that it might blow me right off the mountain. I haven’t felt that light in a really long… well, EVER! It was fierce, almost like the last push to the top needed to be the hardest challenge any of us could bear.

During the hike I pretty much stayed in front the whole way, but as I knew we were about to summit I backed off. I wanted Lisa to be the first one up. She stepped up on the mountain and stood frozen to her spot for a moment. Then she turned around and we all started to cry.

We made it! It was freezing cold and the wind was whipping us about but we stood and took photos and then waited while Lisa retrieved Steve’s ashes from her backpack. She stood on the edge while we all watched, and let some of Steve’s ashes fly off the side of the mountain into the wind. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust… Steve would have been so proud of us.

We would have liked to stay on the mountain and revel in our success but we weren’t done yet. The saddleback to Torreys lay ahead. It looked very steep, but not nearly as far as standing at the bottom looking up at both of them. As we crossed the saddleback there was talk about heading back and not tackling the second mountain. As far as Lisa was concerned she’d done what she came for and didn’t need another hour climb. I knew before anyone else had decided that there was no way I was leaving without tackling Torreys as well.

I just kept walking and they all followed behind, BUT… not before I realized I SERIOUSLY had to pee! We had been above tree line for hours now and there wasn’t really any place to squat without bystanders. I was getting to the point where I didn’t really care who saw me pee, but as we came down the saddleback, I realized we were in a perfect spot. I called out to my other friend who I knew needed to go as badly as I did and we both dropped our drawers. There’s something really cool about peeing on the side of a mountain! I felt very manly!

Anyway, after the call of nature was complete we headed up the steep and rocky road to Torreys. Lisa was struggling. Finally, she gave up. She sat down and started to cry. I knew she was irritated. I also knew our friends would sit with her until she was ready to either continue on or give up. There was just one problem. There were dark clouds starting to roll in. I’m all about accomplishing my goals, but not when there is a great risk of being struck by lightening!! That’s the only time of the entire day when I contemplated giving up.

Lisa convinced us to continue up without her. We could move faster and hopefully beat the clouds. The one friend who has climbed the most 14ers convinced me these were snow clouds and not rain clouds. I sure hoped she was right. As we climbed we caught up with some guys who we had met on the other mountain. They asked if we had lost one of our friends. We said yes she was waiting down below, but when we turned to check on her we saw she was heading up behind us. We all started to cheer for her.

We all four made it to the top of Torreys together!

At the top there was a scroll to sign with our names and the date we climbed. I wrote my name and Lisa’s and then I wrote Steve Mitchell RIP 9-14-09. Lisa again opened the bag of ashes and let some more of Steve fly off of the mountain top and into the wind. I took a moment to really look around. It was incredible being up above all of the other mountains. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I can’t imagine a place Steve would love more.

We soon started back down. The journey down was actually harder for me than the trip up. All of the excitement and anticipation was behind me. It was snowy and slick and in some places treacherous. I didn’t enjoy stumbling and falling on the rocks and snow. We all laughed and made the best of it, but the only thing that really kept me going were the Mojitos I knew were waiting for us in the car and MAN were they worth it!!

My friends asked me if I thought that was harder than running the BolderBoulder. I had to think about it for a second. At the BolderBoulder I hit a wall. In mile 5 I was tired and didn’t think I could keep going. It was the hardest HOUR of my life, but this hike was 8 hours. It tested my endurance and although I never felt physically like I wouldn’t finish, it was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Afterwards we drove a little way down the mountain and found a good place to park. We all sat together, enjoyed a snack and our cocktails, and talked about our day. I remember after Steve died Lisa’s therapist told her that healing was similar to climbing a mountain. It would be difficult and long but she could make it to the top.

I am so proud of her for all that she has accomplished in the last three years. She was dealt a really shitty hand. Things have been so hard, but she has NEVER given up. She may bitch about the climb, she may even sit out once in a while thinking she’s done, but she always gets back up and continues on. I hope that in the tough times in my life I will have the strength she has had to always make it to the top. 　
　

Beware!! Aggressive Mountain Goats

2009-09-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling rather random lately and I wouldn’t be surprised if this blog is a mess.

I’m pissed off that our school principal wouldn’t let our kids see the Presidential address. I remember when I was a kid. I loved the president. I had NO idea if he was a Republican or a Democrat, I loved him because he was the President.

Our principal said it was because our school doesn’t have the bandwidth capacity to allow all of the classes to watch. Funny, when I was in Jr. High we watched the space shuttle explode on a TINY little TV. in the library. There were no expectations for the entire school to have individual showings in their own classrooms. We ALL huddled around a 9inch and watched together. I just don’t see what would have been the harm in SHARING a computer screen. Unbelievable…

I honestly thought about taking my kids out of the school for the address, and showing them here at home. But after I heard what the message was… staying in school and working hard, kind of seemed like a contradiction.

And THEN last night, I had my kids sitting next to me on the sofa watching the Presidential address to Congress. I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised when someone yelled out at the President that he was a liar! And I suppose my immediate tears were an over-reaction, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?

Where has our integrity gone? How about basic MANNERS? How can we expect our children to respect their elders, their principals, teachers etc. when they are watching the HIGHEST Official in our country be screamed at while he is trying to speak? I’m not feeling all that confident over the state of our country. President Obama talked last night about the “character of our country”, I think we should be pretty ashamed of that today.

Besides all that political business, my darling boy has his first football game tonight. I am excited! I hope he does well.

I am working on re-writes and editing again on the book I have been working on for over two years. I am getting really close to the next step, or at least deciding the next step. It’s pretty difficult. To me it’s like trying to decide which babysitter you should choose for your newborn. I am afraid of handing it over only to hear the baby go THUD!

And in other news… I’m hiking my first fourteener on Sunday. Well actually, I’m hiking my first TWO! I’m excited and a little nervous... I’ve heard those mountain goats are pretty aggressive!!
　
　
　

It's my birthday!

2009-09-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. I am not generally a big fan of my birthday. It’s not the getting older part but the expectation of having a GREAT birthday. I don’t love being the center of attention. I feel like I’m living in a fishbowl on my birthday, everyone judging, “Is she having a good day? What’s she doing? SO… do you have BIG plans for your birthday?”

“Ummmm… no.”

But today started out fabulous, and the plans I have are fabulous too!

My son keeps telling me this is going to be his best day ever! He gets to change seats today in class (apparently a very big deal), then Dr. Love is taking him to football practice after school (a huge highlight to show off in front of someone new), then he gets to come to my “party”. It made me happy to walk with him to the bus stop and listen to how excited he is for HIS big day!

After the kids got on the bus I took a leisurely walk back to the house. It was very quiet and I reflected on how lucky I am. I have the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. They are this group of incredible women who can accomplish anything! I have been lucky to be a part of this group for a couple of years now and we just seem to get closer through time. They are the friends who I will go through the rest of my life with. We will have good times and tragic times, we will have disagreements and we will have parties, we will drink coffee together and booze. No matter what, I feel secure in their friendship. With them, I know I can be myself.

Dear friends, thank you!!!

After I write this I’m going to meet Smarty Pants. She is one of the best things that came out of 37. I remember thinking for a really long time that I wasn’t looking for my Ethel. I wanted to have many friends who filled many parts of my life but I didn’t need a best friend. I was wrong, I got my Ethel. She is someone to call when Ricky is being a pest! Someone who will bring cake over when she knows I need it, and someone who won’t necessarily get me out of a jam but will join me in the predicament because we both know it’ll be more fun to stick it out than to cut and run. I love you Ethel. Love Lucy

And tonight we are gathering with my great group of friends, my mom and my sister for a “random Tuesday night party.” Smarty Pants knows I don’t love my birthday, so she sent out this invitation.

Hello,
I am going to have a party at my house on Tuesday the 1st of September right after school until ???. It is only a coincidence that this happens to be SUSANNE's BITRHDAY!!
It is very important that you do not call it her birthday party. Do not bring her a gift (she made me promise to put that part but what can she really do?). Just so you know she has also threatened me with physical violence but I am not afraid. Anyway, dinner is a Mexican theme!! Let me know if you want to bring something but you don't have too!!
We will be having Chocolate cake...not birthday cake... just because we like cake, cake!!
I hope you can all come to the non-birthday its just a random Tuesday party!!!
Xoxo

SO… I am going to go eat “just because we like cake, cake!!” And I am going to enjoy being with my friends and family. Looks like I do have BIG plans. Hey, maybe there is something to this whole birthday thing after all! YEAH ME!!!
　

Pollyanna

2009-08-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

I received an email today from my 8-year-old’s teacher. She said that she loves his sense of humor and his positive outlook. I love hearing this. I remember my father-in-law and myself having a conversation when he was little about whether a positive attitude was nature or nurture. I really wanted my kids to have a positive outlook on life.

DH tends to be more of a “realist” (this is a nice way for me to say he’s kind of negative). When something bad happens its because "Bad things ALWAYS happen to him." He expects things to go wrong. He sort of has a "Well that figures" attitude.

I am DH's exact opposite. He calls me Pollyanna. I'm pretty sure that came from my mother. We read a book called Pollyanna written by Eleanor H. Porter when I was a kid. Pollyanna was an orphan who lived with her aunt. Her aunt was sort of mean and nasty, but Pollyanna played a game her father taught her to always find the bright side of things. There have been a few times in my life when I lost my Pollyanna. The funny thing is DH always reminds me, "Where's my Pollyanna?" He sees it as me being sort of naive to the world, always expecting the best, but he also sort of counts on me to be that way.

My son was very much like his dad when he was little. Everything was VERY dramatic! If something went wrong it was the end of the world. He's gotten a lot better as he's gotten older. He lives more on the "Bright Side" now.

We play a game at dinner where the kids have to tell me the best and the worst part of their day. They both ALWAYS have a best, or TWO or THREE to share. The worst is always funny. At least to me…

My 6-year-olds worst, “The fire alarm went off at school today and it scared me and made me cry.”

My son, “They told us over the intercom it was going to happen.”

Daughter, “I know, but it scared me.”

My son’s worst almost always involves some sport. He didn’t make the catch on recess or some total mishap…

“I went to the bathroom and spilled water on my pants so I tried to dry it and it took a long time so I didn’t get my work done and I had to miss a minute of recess to finish.”

I love my kids. I believe they will both end up being a bit more like me in the end. I laugh at everything and try and tell them there’s always a bright side. Who wouldn’t choose that over being a naysayer? I think I'll try and find Pollyanna and read it to them... AND I’m still working on DH too, but don‘t tell him, he hasn‘t realized it yet!

Makin' Plans

2009-08-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

The weekend’s here and I feel a little need to let loose!

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little tense. School started, so there’s homework every night, and it hasn’t gone very smooth. My eight year old is a great kid. Really great! BUT, he has this unique ability to find the easiest way out of every situation that should involve hard work. We are struggling with the lesson that it’s important to do things the right way, the FIRST time. I am meeting with his teacher this afternoon, just to give her the 411 on his “talents”.

That, and the whole volunteering thing stresses me out! My town could give any soap opera a run for it’s money on the level of drama associated with the school. When I even begin to think about PTO meetings and fundraisers, I break out into a cold sweat and start pacing the room like a caged animal. I’ve often thought it would be fun to write about the women of Larkspur… there certainly is plenty of material, but I’m afraid my house would be burned to the ground and my children voted off the island.

So, my plan for the new year is to sit with my mouth shut and my hands folded gently in my lap. I can hear you all laughing at me in my head… I realize I have trouble keeping my mouth shut… I said, it’s my PLAN! I do realize sometimes plans just don’t work out… I’m still working on plan B. I’ll let you know about that when I figure it out.

Creepy Van Guy

2009-08-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks to this years budget cuts, our new bus stop is nearly a mile from our house. Being the FABULOUS mom that I am, I make the kids walk it every morning. I actually pick them up in the car after school, cuz I think they’re probably tired, but in the morning I think a little walking is good for them. Yesterday, on our walk to the bus, a creepy looking guy in a white van pulls up next to us and rolls down his window.

Creepy grin, “No school today?”

“No, we have school. Just walking to the bus stop.” I reply.

Creepy guy looks at my kids and asks, “Do you want a ride?”

8-year-old son, “YEAH!”

Me, in shock and horror, “No thank you!” Staring at boy whose lost his mind!

Guy, “Opps, guess I asked the wrong one.” He drives off.

I am so surprised at first I don’t know what to say. Then I launch full on into psycho-mom, “ARE YOU CRAZY? You would take a ride from a complete stranger.”

Son: “Mom, he looked nice.”

First of all he didn’t look nice, but I realize that’s not the point. “I don’t care what he looks like, you don’t know him at all!” Then I give him the Ted Bundy example. “Ted Bundy was a really good looking guy. Totally normal looking. He would pretend he had a broken arm so women would help him and then he would throw them in the back of his van and kill them.”

Silence from the kids. Then son speaks up, “But mom, there aren’t any bad people around here.”

“Yes there are. I can guarantee you, there are bad people here too. You don’t ever EVER go with anyone you don’t know. And if someone gets out of a car and tries to grab you, you run. Fast! And scream loud!”

Son: “If someone tried to grab me or sister, I would fight him.”

I roll my eyes. “Listen to me! You can’t fight a grown man, or what if there’s two? You never let anyone get close enough to grab you, you RUN. Got it?”

He’s quiet now, I think it’s sinking in.

Today.

DH is walking with us, we get to the same spot where the guy stopped yesterday and son says, “This is the same spot where you yelled at me yesterday.”

I ask, “Well, what did you learn from yesterday?”

Son: “Bad guys drive vans.”

Yep! Stellar job parenting for me this week!! One quick note:

Dear Creepy Van Driving Guy,
Either you are a complete pedophile and I want you to GET OUT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD, or you are a complete IDIOT! DO NOT ASK RANDOM KIDS IF THEY WANT A RIDE!! If you come around here again, I will let my eight year old KICK YOUR ASS!

I think my best bet is to NEVER let them out of my sight. This might become trouble when they want to start dating, but my job is to keep them safe. I better start saving for their therapy now.

The Pearly Whites

2009-08-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

At our school fundraiser in the Spring, I purchased a teeth whitening session from a dental office. A couple of weeks ago, I met the dentist’s wife. She is the cutest thing! Very happy and friendly, seemed to be a very positive person, until she found out I purchased the teeth whitening. Suddenly her positive, happy mood turned dark and somber.

She leaned over to me and asked, “Do you have any pain killers left over from a c-section or anything?”

“Um… no.”

“Well then you might want to hit the bottle before you come in.”

“Huh?”

“It hurts REAL bad! Imagine being stabbed with needles every three seconds. Seriously, drink heavily before you come.”

So, I was scared. I go into the office to have my teeth cleaned and schedule the whitening. I told the Dentist his wife scared me, he shrugged his shoulders and assured me I’d be alright. He is SERIOUSLY good looking, which made me want to believe him, and I already paid for the darn thing, so I figured how bad could it be?

So today was teeth whitening day. I went in a little apprehensive, but sober. They hooked me up with a movie to distract me.

Let me interrupt this little tale to tell you, I’ve given birth to two children. One the old fashion way, and one by cutting open my stomach, and removing my guts, before yanking the baby from my body. I have had over a hundred stitches in my face from a car accident. I have a tattoo and my belly pierced and I have broken my arm, twice!

NOTHING HURT AS MUCH AS THIS!!

The pain shoots through your teeth into your brain at completely random moments. Dentist’s wife was right, it feels like being stabbed with a needle in the eye! The first couple of times I thought I was hallucinating, did that just happen? Then I felt my body tense waiting for the next “twinge” as the dental hygienist called it when she felt me grasp a hold of her arm in a death grip and try to jump from my chair.

“Oh, are you getting the little sensitive twinge? Yeah, those come and go. Try and relax.” She said as she strapped down my arms and legs with a happy little smile on her face.

Try and relax my ASS! It felt like I was in the chair for days! 45 minutes later I was done and running for the door. BUT, not before she told me the worse part.

“No coffee or red wine for the next 48 hours. Okay?”

WHAT?? These little TWINGES are going to last for three days and I can’t even drink my coffee or medicate with the red wine? I have now taken one of DH’s pain killers. I can barely type as I am falling asleep at the computer. I have no idea if my teeth are white or not as I am unable to smile. But, I have decided to have another baby. This time without the epidural, just so I can really judge my pain tolerance at this point. Either that or I’m getting a nipple pierced. Either way, I’m sure it’s WAY more fun than having your teeth whitened!

Duck Swallower!

2009-08-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

Smarty Pants swallowed a duck. A WHOLE duck.

One minute everyone was fine, Smarty Pants was rafting behind the boat with DH trying REALLY hard to throw her off. The little duck was swimming around, diving for his food, thinking about watching Nemo tonight with his little ducklings… next thing you know, Smarty is tumbling through the air and smashing into the water. DH circles the boat around to fetch her, which is really nice of him… you know… not leaving her in the middle of the lake or anything, and when we arrive she is gasping and sputtering and can barely choke out the horrible truth. “I swallowed a duck!”

Man! Bad day to be a duck…
Good day to be on the boat! My stomach hurts from laughing.

Oh by the way, to all of you who want to know who my Pot Smoking Whore for a friend is... I'm not telling. And for the rest of you who may be curious, he read my post and texted me not to worry, we're still friends!! Guess he's one of them thick skin ones! Yea me! Kept a friend!!

Putt Putt and Mean Girls

2009-08-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided to start lying more. I think it will be better for my reputation.

This last weekend we went to our family reuinion in Albuquerque. My sister and I drove with the four kids, and DH met us there. He had been working in New Mexico so it worked out beautifully.

The reunion was SO much fun! My uncle who hosted, spent the last year building a mini putt putt course, a Bocci ball course and a Horseshoe pit, in his backyard. We had a huge family tournament on all the games, plus he hired a line dancing teacher and a DJ who played Karaoke.

My brothers were there, at least two of them were… I actually think I have three but the other one doesn’t show up much, so I get confused. My middle brother brought his new girlfriend. Apparently in the car ride to Albuquerque he was trying to describe his family to her and I got the description of “The Mean One”. Sadly, I’m not surprised!

I have a tendency to offer up my opinion often without being asked. I also “call ‘em like I see ‘em” which doesn’t win me too many points either. I think it would make my family feel a little better if they knew I do this with everyone, it’s not just my family! I also think it would be good for them to know, I’m starting to see this as a flaw.

Many times, as family and friend dynamics work, people tell lies. Little lies, to try and avoid telling someone you love they may be making a bad choice. The trouble I have with this is then all of the people who have “Saved Face” by telling you what you wanted to hear, tell everyone else- behind your back- what they REALLY THINK!

“So you’ve decided to quit your job to become a Rock Star! Wow! I really think that’s courageous! Seriously, you’re SO talented!”

“Did you hear about Jimmy joining the band? I KNOW!! One time, a fox killed something in our backyard and I seriously thought it was Jimmy making all that noise!”

I also think I have a twisted sense of humor. It gets me into trouble ALL THE TIME! I think things are funny that NO one else does. Well, that’s not entirely true. My sister and My Smarty Pants, have the same sense of humor. Hmmm… what’s that tell ya?

Two weeks ago, I called a friend of ours a “Pot Smoking Whore” to his face! My sister fell on the floor laughing, and Smarty peed her Pants! The guy… I’m not sure we’re friends anymore…

All of this has led me to some serious personal reflection. I could be nicer. I could try the path of least resistance and tell you whatever you want to hear. I would have more friends. My family would call me the “Nice One”, but here’s the rub, I like the way I am.

I think life is worth laughing over. If someone is messing with someone I love, I am FIERCELY on my loved one’s side. I have few friends, but the few I have are FUNNY (and have thick skin). They know who I am and I truly believe they like me just the way I am. They also know I want the same honesty from them (maybe with a hint of humor laced through), but if I'm screwing up, for peet's sake, somebody TELL ME!

OR… none of them really like me at all, they just say that to my face, then turn around and tell everyone behind my back that I’M THE MEAN ONE! Could be...　
　

Thanks for the Memories!

2009-07-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

Reunion’s over, plus a day of rest which was much needed. WOW! It was way more than I imagined. Smarty Pants and my sister were the BEST back up a girl could ever ask for. Friday night we had SO much fun. When we arrived at the bar it was almost like taking a walk through my memory. The place was crowded and everywhere I looked was someone I knew a long time ago. My girls settled themselves at the bar and not only did they have their own fun all night long, but they gave me moral support and a drink whenever I needed one!

There are so many stories about these people. I’m stymied about what to write.

The girl who lived across the street from us was there. We played every game possible with her. We rode bikes together, and made mud cakes, and suntanned on her roof wearing baby oil. She has two babies of her own now and I hope they get to live across the street from someone like her.

My best friend from Kindergarten through 6th grade was there. She was the girl I first chased boys with and who I ALWAYS wanted to spend the night. We had secret clubs (that everyone knew about) and secret spiral notebooks which we passed around to all our friends with questions on every page like “Who do you like? And Who would you kiss?” She was my first friend that moved away. I have missed her for 15 years and we have finally just reconnected.

The guys that tried to teach me how to use a computer in third grade were there. That was funny! It was back when everything you did was a “code”. I don’t remember actually learning anything, but they tried! They are still my friends and I love them, I ended up spending most of the evening with them. Including breakfast at 2am. (yes, I stayed out REALLY late in Denver again!) We weren’t super close in high school, but now they are the friends I would most like to spend more time with.

And the first guy to ever break my heart was there. We were in 7th grade, thirteen years old! My friend Marcia liked him and gave me the job of finding out if he liked her. Turns out, he liked me! That was one of the first friends I lost because of a boy. We “went out” for a couple of months. I actually have no idea how long. Sadly, it made a much bigger impression in my memory.

I was a cheerleader and we were at a track meet. One of my friends from Elementary school went to a different Jr. High and she was there. I was so excited for her to meet my boyfriend, but when he showed up he broke up with me. Devastated doesn’t begin to describe it! It’s so funny to me now. Thirteen years old and I thought I could die over this boy who I passed notes to and kissed in the hallway. He’s earned himself a place in my memory only reserved for “the firsts”.

He grew up to be a great guy. He’s married with two little boys. I teased him a lot that night, I think he took it well.

There were plenty of others. The guy who set my house on fire. The two guys who flew through the screen door on their bikes. The girls who were my best friends with way too many memories to even write about. The friends I learned to drive with. The friend whose car I hit the day after I got my license. These people didn’t necessarily know the “best me”, because that’s me now, but they were my firsts and I loved seeing them all!

Saturday, was much more reserved. One bit of advice for those of you who haven’t seen your reunion yet, don’t take your spouse. He didn’t have any fun and was ready to leave way before I was. He got his way, and we snuck out without saying goodbye to anyone. I regret leaving, but then again, he’s the guy who loves me now for who I turned out to be. I just wish he could have appreciated meeting the people who helped me become who I am now.

To the Thornton High class of ‘89! Thanks for the memories!! I hope we don't wait another 10 years to see each other again.

Most Likely to Bring Back up Friends to her Reunion

2009-07-21T08:21:00.000-07:00

My 20 year high school reunion is coming up this weekend. I created a little checklist.

Nice outfit and GREAT shoes CHECK
Washed that Gray right out of my hair CHECK
Speed dial to my therapist CHECK
Laid ground work on Facebook CHECK
Back up friends to offer support and encouragement CHECK
Sister to hold my hand CHECK

How come boys don’t worry about their reunion the same way girls do? DH had his twenty a few years back (yep, he robbed the cradle with me!) and he just threw on something out of the closet last minute and went. I don’t think he even bought a new shirt. Not that I’ve been stressing over any of it, but it definitely requires some shopping! And a cut and color. And new shoes. It’s mostly about the shoes...

I am seriously taking my sister and Smarty Pants as backup for Friday night. I’m sorry but I don’t get out all that often and I need to have reassurance I’m going to have fun. After all, I haven’t seen any of these people since my 10! A night out in Denver, with a hotel room is just not something you squander without some serious consideration.

But really, I can’t wait to see my old girlfriends, we were really tight in high school. We called ourselves the PITS ~ Pam, Ingrid, Tiffany and Suz. I just found out Tiffany’s not going to make it this year. I’m sad about that, without her we’re just the PTS which sounds like some sort of disorder “If you think you may have PTS talk to your doctor immediately!”

I also found out my HS boyfriend’s not going. I dated the same guy all three years. Well, off and on, we broke up a lot. He didn’t come to the 10 and he’s not coming to the 20 either. It’s not that I really have any sort of need to reconnect. He’s a Facebook friend now, it just would have been nice to see him after all this time.

Back then I was Susie and was most known for the fact that I was, “The Most Popular girl’s… best friend”. You know the girl no one really notices because she’s standing right next to the most beautiful, friendly, fabulous girl… yep, that was me!

Right up until my senior year. Then I went out on a limb and auditioned for the senior play. The play was called “The Girl in the Mirror”, and I got the part as “The Girl”. After that, I got voted “Most Theatrical”. I know it’s not “Most Popular” or “Most likely to succeed”, but it’s a MOST something right!?

I wonder why we didn’t try harder to come up with better most likely’s…

Most likely to become a vagrant
Most likely to sleep with a college professor
Most likely to skip college for a career as a pole dancer
Most likely to get a felony conviction

Now that would have been fun to follow up on.

At our 10, our class president, my friend Pam (I seriously did hang out with the Important People!), had each of the “most whatever’s” stand up and tell everyone what they were doing now. I was in sales at the time, I mean how apropos. “Most theatrical” is now acting like you NEED to buy this very important whatchamacallit.

This year I hope I don’t have to stand up. What would I say now, “I was voted Most Theatrical, now I’m a stay home mom. I use my theater training daily to persuade my kids to brush their teeth and eat their vegetables. I’m also a writer, basically I make shit up, and no I don’t actually get paid for it yet.”

Hey! I actually like that title WAY better… Most Likely to Make Shit Up! Yep that’s me!

DEET?? Who needs DEET!

2009-07-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

There are only three good things about this last weekend of tent camping. I survived, I skied and laughed really hard at Smarty Pants trying to ski and I got a ROCKIN’ tan.

We went up to Blue Mesa for the weekend. We have been doing this tent weekend for a lot of years. I married an outdoorsman. I knew when I married him I would have to take these kinds of “vacations”. In fact when he asked me to marry him, we were out in the woods.

When he says “Lets go camping.” I hear, “Bring the vodka cause you’re going to want to forget most of what’s happening.”

We took Smarty pants, her three girls, and her niece, and got to the lake late Thursday afternoon. That’s when the real fun started. As we were putting together two tents, and two Easy-Ups (which by the way, aren’t all that easy) we noticed there were a few more mosquitoes than last year. Wow! Better spray the kids. We got out the family spray, which doesn’t smell too bad and gave everyone a good dousing.

Within a couple of minutes we realized the spray seemed to be more of an attractant. The little bastards were multiplying. That’s when we decided to start a fire to smoke them out!

Building a fire is one of man’s greatest pleasures. That’s why I thought it was EXTREMELY funny when Smarty Pants took over for DH and built the most incredible MAN fire I have ever seen. And she did it by rubbing two sticks together. No fire starter for her, NO WAY! She succeeded in smoking out our little friends and we roasted Smores and enjoyed our evening.

The next afternoon Dr. Love showed up in his rolling house, and around 5:00 the Invasion began again. There were so many mosquitoes swarming above our heads it would have even scared Alfred Hitchcock. The kids were being eaten alive.

At one point my 6-year-old came down from the camper with SP’s youngest. They had both been bitten about 10 times in the FACE!

5 minutes later, mine looked like she’s taken up a new career with Don King. One of her eyes was practically swollen shut! SP’s little one looked like Joseph Merrick! If Dr. Love hadn’t been there with the voice of reason, I would have FREAKED out and taken them directly to the emergency room, insisting they give us a bed for the night (hey, why not get something out of it).

BUT NO! He gave them both some Benedryl and they were on their way, playing with one good eye and a mutated forehead. Although, they are now both so traumatized they burst into tears at even the slightest buzzing sound.

I am not sure how many people are aware of this but they have taken DEET out of most bug repellents. Apparently it kills brain cells in lab rats so they’ve put out warnings and scared parents out of using it. Funny thing though, BUG REPELLENT DOESN’T WORK WITHOUT IT!! We stuck with the fire as the best solution and on Day 3 realized we had a bug net that attached around one of the Easy-Ups.

Besides the freakish bug attacks everyday, I can’t sleep in a tent. I swear each night felt like it was longer than the last. And the fact that DH doesn’t have that problem, and snores completely content in his happy-camping-dreamland makes me want to smother him with a sleepingbag.

By day four, I’m done. I rolled out of the tent around 7 AM poured myself a cup of camp coffee, which includes the chewy stuff, and a shot of vodka and started praying for the moment we’d be rolling out of there. We made it home Sunday around 7 PM. I was so relieved to take a shower and pee in an indoor toilet I almost cried.

As Dr. Love so eloquently put it, “camping just isn’t my cup of tea.”

Oh… and the Rockin’ Tan I was so excited about… turns out, it was just dirt.
　

Politics and Police

2009-07-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

It will be easy to keep writing this Blog if nights like last night keep happening. I was keeping my nephews and decided to invite BFF, Smarty Pants and her hubby, Dr. Love over for dinner. We made homemade pizzas and let the kids play outside. For the most part they were really good, teaching each other how to ride a skateboard and ridding anything with wheels down our really steep driveway.

At some point the kids decided to have a screaming contest. My ten-year-old nephew always wins. He screams this blood curdling, horror show, woman in the shower being stabbed multiple times scream, that he is indeed quite proud of. Which in this case, not only warranted me hollering at him out the window to KNOCK IT OFF, but also must have alerted the neighbors to the “domestic abuse” situation brewing at the Sanstra’s!

About this same time, a political discussion arose in the kitchen among the adults. Anyone who knows us knows we are on polar sides politically with the men in our lives. In fact nearly every friend I have, cancels out the votes of her husband. This leads to some very… um… active discussions.

SO… while officer Michelle is approaching our house because of the domestic abuse call they have received she hears arguing ensuing inside the hacienda! She calls for backup.

At the same moment the doorbell rings several of our kids run in through the backdoor hollering, “THE COPS ARE HERE! THE COPS ARE HERE!”

Dr. Love heads to the front door with me following close behind. Man-Eating Dog is also on his heals. Dr. Love sees the policewoman at the door and not wanting to make the situation worse by having Man-Eating DOG stirring up more trouble, (not sure yet if he's a cop eating dog too!)only opens the door a crack. Not to make ourselves look ANYMORE incriminating, he doesn’t know where the light switches are, so the porch and hallway are completely dark.

Officer: “We’ve had a report of a woman screaming at this residence, can I come in?”

Dr. Love: “Seriously, um… I have a big dog here.”

Officer: “You’re gonna need to let me in, and can you turn on some lights?”

I arrive at the door, grab M.E.D and drag him out back at the same time flipping on the lights. When I get back to the door, all 7 kids and 4 adults are now in attendance in the front hall, with a very BIG, unhappy looking policewoman.

Officer: “We’ve had a call about possible domestic abuse at this house and then I pull up and hear arguing.”

Me: “Oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed, the kids were screaming outside.”

Officer: “No ma’am this was reported as a woman screaming.”

Me: “Well we are really loud, but we were just having a political conversation. I’m Susanne and I live here.” I put my hand out to shake her hand.

Smarty Pants introduces herself too and tries to shake her hand as well, the officer points at her.

Officer: “It was you.”

Smarty Pants: “Really? I mean I don’t think I was screaming.”
Officer: “No it was definitely you!”

SP: “Well I am Italian.”I am trying not to laugh. The officer tells us with her very authoritative hand motion to SHUT THE HELL UP, and talks into her shoulder radio.

Officer: “This is 244 reporting, cancel back up. Repeat- no need for back up.”

Me: “Seriously, we were just having a political discussion. They are republicans (gesturing to the guys) and we’re democrats.

Officer: “I’m on their side.” She say’s as she steps closer to Dr. Love.

Dr. Love reads the situation quickly, I mean he’s had all that medical training and he’s quick to react, right? He takes this Golden Opportunity to voice his opinion again on the subject we had been discussing.

Me (to Dr. Love): “Seriously, you’re going to start on me again? We’ve already had the cops called on us.”

Dr. Love: “Yeah, but she’s on my side.”

The officer eventually left to attend to an injury accident and we all laughed about the situation for hours after.

To the neighbor who called 911 – Thank you! It’s good to know if I was being stabbed to death in the shower scene of a horror show, someone would alert the police!

To my nephew - Dude, hit puberty already!

And To my Friends - NEVER A DULL MOMENT! LOVE YA!!

You look so Familiar

2009-06-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written anything in a while. After a criticism cut too close to me I lost some of the pleasure of it all. After reading The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton, I feel a little better. I am anxious to start again.

I enjoy and appreciate all the people who’ve told me they miss this blog. It’ll never be truly gone because it is beyond me to keep things, thoughts, ideas to myself. This part of my writing is a simple release. I do it to express a thought that’s important to me, or to explore an idea or situation that I found funny. It is not to be taken too seriously.

If you can’t read what I write with that thought in mind, I would prefer you didn’t read it at all.

SO! Here’s a recap of the last few months. We took a trip to Spain, which was fabulous, yes, I did find the Worlds Best Chocolate Cake and it was actually the BEST!

The kid’s school year ended with one finishing kindergarten and one finishing 2nd grade.

They are now on summer break and bored to tears. They ask me for a snack every five minutes and pick a fight with each other every ten.

We got a new rabbit that looks a lot like an Ewok. Her name is Gracie.

Much to my surprise, the man-eating dog got along fabulously with the dog-sitting-man during our trip to Spain.

Our old yellow lab is still holding on, although DH reminds me everyday he won’t make it much longer. Course, he’s been saying this for a few years now so I don’t really listen.

I allowed my hairdresser to add many, MANY more blond streaks to my hair in an attempt to jolt DH and get his undivided attention. I called and told him I’d gone blond. When he got home he said, “It’s not really blond.” That was the end of that conversation…

The best conversation I’ve had in a while was with my best friend’s FIL (Father In Law). They came over to my house for lunch while they were in town visiting. We were sitting in my living room chatting when he looked at me intently and said, “You look so familiar.”

Me: “I think I have a familiar face, people tell me that all the time.”

FIL: “Well I watch that show on HBO called the Bunny Ranch.”

Me: “Huh?”

FIL: “Did you ever work in Vegas?”

It took me about 30 seconds to realize he just asked me if I’d ever worked as a prostitute in Vegas. I smiled, as MIL stuttered, “NO! She looks like Jill Taylor.”

FIL: “Who the hell is Jill Taylor?”

MIL: “You remember Tim the Tool Man’s wife?”

This is the reason you don’t invite anyone else’s in-laws to your house… ever.

Other than that, it’s been pretty quiet around here. DH and I will be celebrating 10 years in Aug. I am also looking forward to both my kids being in school full time. DH will be working from home now, which leads to lots of fun phone conversations to the basement. I will be sure to keep you apprised.

Boot Scootin' FABOOSH!

2009-04-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting at my computer today for hours looking over all the fabulous pictures from the weekend. They are just so fun!

Smarty Pants and I decided when we first took on the big BOOT SCOOTIN’ BOOGIE fundraiser for our school, that aside from doing our best to make money, we also wanted people to have fun.

I think we accomplished that!!!

First off, we hired DJ Jazzy Jeff, which was the BEST idea ever. I know I don’t do this much in the blog, but I’m actually going to use his real name because if you’re looking for a great DJ, he’s the guy to pick. RockCandy Professional DJ’s, Adam Krolicki.

I handed Adam a 6-page script ten minutes before the event began and he worked it all out beautifully. He was fun during all the raffles and played GREAT music that people really wanted to dance to…and to add icing to the DJ cake… he’s a great dancer!!

He took Smarty Pants and me out for a spin. He whirled, twirled and threw us around the dance floor. I seriously forgot how much I love to dance! It was FABOOSH! (that’s my new favorite word) He was seriously the best choice we made through the whole planning business.

We have been getting comments from so many people and the one thing they all tell us is how much fun they had! I’m so happy about that. At first I really thought the only thing that would matter at the end was how much money we made. We did make TONS of money … but the more our friends and the teachers and staff at the school tell us how much fun they had, the happier I feel.

So, I guess our kids will continue to learn, with schoolbooks and desks and chairs and all they deem necessary, and we helped the best way we could, but the BEST absolute BEST thing that came out of all of this is Smarty Pants!

Thanks for being a true friend! I love you!

Ran into God today

2009-04-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

Went for a run this morning and for a second I thought I’d stepped through the magical wardrobe into a whole new world. We got a good foot or so of snow last night. This morning however the sun was shining so I decided to venture out. I told DH if it was too cold I’d only go around the block and come back.

I picked my clothing carefully… running pants and top covered by a LES sweatshirt, warm ear covering and bright PINK gloves. The pink makes me feel happy.

I headed out listing to my iPod play Diva, “I’m a, I’m a, I’m a, a diva. A Diva is a female version of a hustler…” It starts me out… well… in the right mood…

I turned the corner from our street out to the main road and that’s when it happened, the entire world turned into a fabulous, magical portrait. I was running down the black top, which was met, on either side, by a perfect white blanket of snow that sparkled in the sunlight. The trees lined on both sides of the street are pine trees and the green of their needles looked vastly different with the contrast of the white snow, which lay delicately on each branch. The colors were startling and incredible.

Just as I was trying to take in this perfect picture that is my home, the wind blew ever so slightly and glitter flew down from the trees dusting me gently with snowflakes. I looked up to notice the perfect blue of the sky peeking out from the forest green branches of the trees…

Smoking COW!!

Um… necessary side bar… my daughter came up with Smoking Cow when she was two. Apparently, I say Holy Smokes or Holy Cow a lot when I’m talking. So one day we went to visit my grandma who lives on the eight floor of her building. When we stepped off the elevator, my daughter looked out the window and exclaimed, “Smoking Cow we’re up high!” It has become my favorite expression of wonder and awe…

Needless to say, I ran the whole four miles. When I got to our big open field and turned the corner to be completely surrounded by mountains with the vast open space, a perfect shining carpet of white for miles, I thought about God. I could have been sitting in a church today, listening to a sermon about morality or the rules or path to enlightenment, but I have to tell you… nothing would have made me feel closer, nothing could have been more real to me than what I experienced in the ONLY church, I know for a fact God created.

Miles and Miles of Lavender

2009-03-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

Fabulous week… really FABULOUS, it’s was Spring Break for the kids so my sister and I took them all on a car trip to the Grand Canyon. 2360 miles round trip! First day, we went to Albuquerque, my dad lives there, and stayed two nights with our family.

Just so you know, if you stop at a weigh station on the side of the road, they really won’t weigh you…even if you explain to them you’ve been on a diet and working really hard to lose weight, they still won’t, regulations…you need to be a truck, blah blah blah. Then we left for Flagstaff, AZ.

When my sister and I do car trips it’s much better if there are no men present, especially men with a PLAN. Little boys don’t really count, we are raising them to be free thinkers and GO with the FLOW! Which is, by the way, what we named my phones GPS… FLOis.

We like to see the sights on the side of the road… two headed cow, we’re there… giant crater, OH YEAH!! Petrified National Forest, who wants to miss that?

FLOis was terribly entertaining as we ventured off course at every available opportunity.
FLOis- “Recalculating route… you are not on a marked road… make a u-turn at the next possible place.” Sorry FLOis, taking the unmarked path is ALWAYS the best way to see the world.

So, we saw the Grand Canyon, the meteor crater, the Petrified National Forest, and the Out of Africa Safari in the middle of NOWHERE, AZ! But the best place of all… Sedona, Az. The Metaphysical Capitol of the WORLD!

I have INCREDIBLE news!! I am NOT Autistic, nor do I have Asperger’s disease as my darling great Auntie diagnosed me after reading the March 18th Blog… Nope, no diseases or afflictions.

I AM A LAVENDER!!!

Sister and I had our Auras read. They take you into a little room and have you look into a camera. Then you place your left hand on a sensor pad and it takes your picture. Ten minutes later you have a 22 page Aura Chakra Report.

My main Aura Color, which reflects my personality type and traits is Lavender. Lavenders are imaginative, mystical, fantastical, soft, fragile, sensitive, often spacey and ethereal.

Lavenders dislike being confronted with reality. They are creative thinkers. They need creative and artistic expressions to recharge their batteries. They are unpredictable, spontaneous, need solitude and are not always practical. They only have a few close friends and need visionary people who can see the potential in their ideas.

Lavenders are fun to be around but can be somewhat scattered! They work the best in quiet environments and would be attracted to occupations such as storyteller, artist, writer, actor, dancer. Need I say more?? I am TOTALLY a lavender!

My chakras are all out of whack though… I have very low energy. I think this is two fold. One, I was on a 2000 mile driving trip with four kids… how much energy could I possibly have? And Dos, I haven’t recharged my battery with ANY type of artistic anything in a really long time.

My heart chakra, which corresponds to unconditional love, self-love and forgiveness is my smallest, weakest chakra. I’m not really surprised by this, lets just say I need to work on these areas.

I know the realists in this world (darling hubby) laugh at me when I talk about this stuff. All I can say is, they took a picture of me, and validated all of the feelings I have been having lately about myself. One of the sentences in the report says, "Some Lavenders may feel guilty or inadequate because of their unorthodox behavior." THERE WAS A FARMER, HAD A DOG AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O.

My Aura Chakra report tells anyone who wants to read it what to expect from me. It’s in my opinion DEAD ON! When I am running away from reality, sitting in my loft in imaginary worlds created by me, or seemingly drifting away from a conversation, there is a reason and it’s very simple…its who I am. Like it or not.

Oodles of Loodles!

2009-03-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

So all pouty face poor me from yesterday aside, today was a fabulous day! Other than the fact that my little girl threw up in gym class... but that's a whole 'nother blog...

One of the things I do at my kid's school is set up assemblies. I am privileged to be able to pick which parts of their little brains to stimulate, or what experience to give them once a month, all year long! It's fabulous!!

There are four of us who help with this part of school we call Enrichment. Enriching their lives, giving them access to things they wouldn't normally get in the typical school day. So far this year we've had The Denver Zoo, The Denver Museum of Nature and Science, (who did an assembly on all the yucky things our bodies do!) The Fort Carson Singers for a Christmas performance, an incredible Veterans Day assembly, Irish Dance and TODAY??!!!

Mark Ludy! Children's author and illustrator. Here's his link, CLICK HERE, seriously... click it... you have to see it... go on! Mark has written these incredible books, like The Farmer and The Grump and his newest Jujo'. The stories themselves would be fascinating and interesting even without the illustrations, but the PICTURES?!! They are unbelievable!

Not only is Mark an author and illustrator, but he's a fantastic speaker as well. We started the morning off with a short talk to the teachers. Mark shared with us his motivational views on living with the thought of what's REALLY important in our daily lives. What are we giving back to the people around us, especially to the kids? When we die, what do we leave behind? What will people say we gave them?

He told us about his favorite teacher when he was a kid going to school at Lewis Palmer Elementary, how she gave him the love of a story. For the first time, he picked up a book and realized you could dive right in to the story and live a different reality as long as you had the book open. The book he first loved... Where the Red Fern Grows!

I connected so well with what he was saying, I remember all of my favorite books, Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary. I still love every opportunity to read myself into a new reality, pick up a new story... and it's something I've really wanted to give my kids.

But, as so many things, my oldest was not willing to take it from me. He needed his teacher, the MOST FABULOUS second grade teacher in the world, to give him the love of stories. Now my kid comes home nearly every week, so excited to tell me what new book Mr. S. is reading to him. His best days? ~the one's Mr. S reads for an extra long time!!

They just finished reading, "How to Eat Fried Worms," and when he came home yesterday, this is what I got,

"Mom, I really REALLY need (best friend's name goes here) to come over tonight."

"Why?" Boy looks down, sheepish grin crosses his face. I'm on to him! I know he's up to something.

"We made a bet."

"What kind of bet?"

"He bet me, he could eat 30 worms."

"Gross! Why would he do that?"

"Cuz if he does it, I have to pay him $100!"

"You don't even have $100."

"Yes, I do. I saved my allowance."

The funny thing here is, he really has saved $100. Normally, it's like pulling teeth for him to spend any of his own money. There's no way he can part with any of it. But apparently, for an eight year old boy, seeing your best friend ingest 30 worms, TOTALLY worth $100!!

I emailed Fabulous Teacher and told him this story and his reply was, "I told them not to eat any worms... I guess books really do inspire!"

Yes, they do. And more than that, teachers inspire and authors inspire, and hopefully in some subconscious way that 8 year old boys don't actually have to admit... parents inspire. I knew I would enjoy my day today. Nothing is more fun for me than to see little minds excited about new ideas... but I actually came away with even more than I had imagined. I came home remembering to focus on what's important, and to be mindful of what I am "giving" to my kids and all the other people I encounter.

Thank you, Mark Ludy for giving me such a GREAT day, and by the way... I'm scheduling a mental health day, to take a trip to Loodles... anyone want to come with me??

Solitary Confined Cheerleader

2009-03-18T18:44:00.000-07:00

Spring Break can not come too soon! I'm tired. Seriously, to the bone, tired. Tired of listening. Tired of talking. Tired of trying to make people happy. Tired of working things out. Tired of being positive. TIRED!!

I miss my alone in the loft writing with a bottle of wine by my side, ME. The girl who loses herself in a sentence for two hours until she sees the bus stopping in front of the house dropping off the kids. The girl who waits two hours when she really, really, REALLY, has to pee because she can't pull herself away from the click click click of her own typing. The girl who sits in the silence.

Writing is truly the part of me, I like the best. I miss all of it.

I haven't even tried to write any of the ongoing projects. I need to reread everything I've written before I can even begin, and by the time I'm done with reading, my time is up... I need to be able to dive in, head first, remember the stories, meet the characters again. I just don't have the time right now.

My son just finished his basketball season. It was eight weeks. I didn't even try to meet any of the other parents. I went to the games and cheered him on and then left. No time or desire to meet or care about anyone new. BIG SECRET -- I didn't even bring snacks, not once... nothing.

My little girl is starting soccer. The good news is, I already know all the parents. I know them, but do they know me?? Do they know, I'm not really listening when they talk about their vacations, about their jobs, their spouse trouble? I can't really help myself. My mind is too full of other things.

I actually find it odd when people can be involved in trivial conversations.

"So, how's the dog training coming?"

"OH, not so good. Benji peed on the carpet nine times yesterday!"

"You poor thing!"

"The vet thinks he may have a bladder infection."

I tuned out at Dog Training.

I often wonder, if my present personality were evaluated what the diagnosis would be, not ADD or ADHD, I'm not OCD (well, maybe a little). Honestly, I think other than down right RUDE, I might be considered somewhat Autistic. Autism by definition means: a developmental disorder marked by impaired social interactions, communication difficulties.

I have learned to cope. I can play the game. But really, I live too much in my own head. In my Happy Place. Somewhere, where I don't have to be social or gracious or polite, where I don't have to engage in idol chatter, somewhere deep in my imagination where no one cares what I say or do or expects anything from me.

Pretty shocking admission from a former Cheerleader, isn't it.

Goiters and Girl Scout Cookies

2009-03-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

I just found out I have a FREE day!! There isn’t one single thing I HAVE to do today. It was planned differently, Smarty Pants and I had plans to do Boot design on the front entry display case at the school, but plans change.

Smarty Pants is sick, she has a goiter… um… lymph node, swollen in her neck. Her exact words were, “It looks like I swallowed an egg!” I can’t wait to hear the phone call when she reads this!

SP “What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you write about my goiter?”

ME “Can’t help myself… it’s funny.”

SP “Would it be funny if it was your goiter?”

ME “Absolutely not.”

If this were DH (darling hubby) with a swollen lymph node in his neck, the world would stop rotating. That’s what happens when he’s sick. SERIOUSLY, the world stops rotating! It stays the same time of day for 48 hours. No one works or goes to school. Everyone must pay attention to the sick guy. Smarty Pants still has a full day of activities including dance for her daughter and lunch with a friend. You GO GIRL!!!

I on the other hand have nothing to do… I can’t even remember what this feels like. Now don’t get me wrong. There are grocery store needs, and laundry piles, and dust accumulating around the house, but none of this really affects anyone but ME!

So what do I do on a day when I can choose anything I want to do?

I started out on a walk with Cujo. He tried to eat the neighbor. I hollered at the neighbor as he ran away screaming, “We have a new trainer, we’re trying REALLY HARD!!” He didn’t seem to care.

I came home and did my new “Crunchless Abs” DVD. When I was finished, I felt like nothing much had happened, so I did “Abs of Steel” too. Now my stomach hurts and I feel like I could throw up.

I read all my favorite blogs and decided to write one of my own… that’s what I’m doing now… duh…

Next, I think I’ll either take inventory of the Girl Scout cookies still in my house, or I’ll spend a couple hours wasting time on FaceBook. Maybe, I’ll do BOTH!

I like days like this… I think I’ll be pretty happy today as soon as my Abs stop cramping. Hey Smarty Pants, Hope you feel better SOON!!! :)

Trickery and Blackmail

2009-03-10T13:22:00.001-07:00

Whose idea was it for me to chair the Boot?? Oh yeah! Smarty Pants is to blame!

Had a tough fundraising day when we realized our binder for what we've spent on this little shindig is as fat as a toad, and the binder which makes us money... well there's one little, lonely piece of paper in it, which I actually think is more of a guideline on how to utilize the binder system than any actual donated item!

It's time to bring out the big guns. I am not above blackmail. Those interesting pictures I have of you from one of the Smarty Pants, Slippers parties... yep... we're gonna auction those off! Did you at one time tell me in confidence some little story you planned on me taking to my grave? Well GET ME A DONATION or I'm gonna TELL!

I hate to be like this. Really, I do. I prefer the much softer and kinder Slippers, but difficult times call for drastic measures. I'm having nightmares!

Serious, scary nightmares where I actually have a JOB! One that I hate and have to come in to every morning at 8:00AM. One where I have to sit through BOARD meetings, smiling and nodding and gritting my teeth. One where the mundane, idiotic, red tape paperwork piles higher and higher and higher in my cramped, crappy, cubicle with no windows! Nightmares where I come home from a long day and sit my ever enlarging ass on the sofa to watch THE BACHELOR of all awful things!!!

ARRGGHHH!!! I can't take it! Please make a donation to your favorite school. Put me back in my fabulous, artistic, writers happy place! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! See not even afraid to beg!

Frank Sent This

2009-03-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

I spent the day reading a fabulous book, The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan. I loved it. It made me really consider my childhood and more importantly, my kids.

Then I was listening to a speech given by Sir Ken Robinson, who is considered a “Creativity Expert”. I want that title. I wonder how you get it…

His speech, which can be found here, is 20 minutes but seriously interesting and entertaining. If you have the time, check it out. His theory, about our educational system, is about how schools kill our children’s creativity.

He tells a story about a boy in The Nativity play at school and how the kings entered the room. The first one said, “I bring you gold,” the second spoke out of turn and said “I bring you myrrh” and the third spoke up and said, “Frank sent this.” Its funny but his point was that little kids don’t really worry about being wrong. They take a stab at it.

He says, kids all start out creative, willing to take a chance at being wrong and by the time they are adults we’ve taken that willingness away. He says, “If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.”

“We’ve been educated to be good workers, rather than creative thinkers.”

I don’t want this for my kids. I know I am guilty of it myself. I think reading and writing are the most important. I want my kids to be exceptional readers and writers. What if they’re just not? Are they not as valuable as basketball players or dancers? What if they want to paint, or act?

Kelly Corrigan’s book struck me because her father made her feel like she was the most special person in every situation. She recognized as an adult it was his gift to do that with every person he met, but for a child, that really doesn’t matter. The only person she saw or cared about was herself. He instilled self-confidence and empowerment in her by never letting her be wrong.

I want my kids to take chances… I want to take chances. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to see the greatness when they’ve taken a Sharpie to my white board and drawn all over it, or the chair in the bathroom, or the wall (I really should take the Sharpies and hide them). But what different people they might become, if everything they do is an attempt at some kind of greatness instead of just another childhood, punishable mistake…

Man Down!

2009-03-02T08:05:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those nights where every person you meet is so interesting they should be a character in a movie or book? No?… me neither, until Saturday night.

My girl Smarty Pants invited me to go out on the town with her BFF for the last 25 years and another gal they’ve been friends with for a long time. We’ll call her Shots, and I’ll tell you why a little later.

We had tickets to the Denver Center Performance of “Girls Only” a comedy show that includes singing, dancing, improv, little movie clips and other downright hilarious skits. When we arrived at the theatre we did what came naturally, and bellied up to the bar for a cocktail.

As we were imbibing we noticed a group of gals who clearly drew all the attention in the room. Gal #1, we’ll call her Pinkie, was dressed in a bright and shiny pink plastic bag that was cut down to her navel and rode up her thigh nearly showing the “happy landing” to the entire room. She had on matching pink gloves and shoes to complete the ensemble.

At first we all assumed she and her friends, who were equally noticeable, must be in the show. They all had on very interesting outfits which really should be referred to as costumes. Turns out, Pinkie’s getting married and all of her dress up friends joined her for a night out on the town to celebrate. It leads my mind to consider what in the world her wedding dress will look like. Too bad, I’ll never get to know.

After the hilarious show we hit the Denver bar scene. At the first bar we met up with a couple of guys who were more than happy to give us the bar tour around town. One of our new friends was leaving on a trip Monday to travel abroad for two months. His plan was to stay in Hostels and see as much of the world as he could.

As he was telling us this, I heard a gasp from one of the girls followed by an incredulous, “Have you gotten all your shots?” A moment passed and then we all burst out laughing. Our cover was blown. Yep, we really are just a bunch of mom’s who will no doubt worry about the health and well being of world travelers… Thus earning her the name “Shots” from here on out. (not what you were thinking, huh?)

After several more bars, dancing to some GREAT music, and watching as three policemen tried to get a vagrant off the street, we decided it was time to go for breakfast. It was 2am!! How time flies…

We left the last bar and headed out looking for a cab. As we were walking, Shots and BFF tripped and fell in the street. I immediately started yelling to Smarty Pants, “MAN DOWN! WE’VE GOT A MAN DOWN.” Smarty Pants was laughing so hard she nearly peed her pants. I’m seriously glad that didn’t happen, cuz she might have ruined her fabulous leopard skin shoes…

We got everyone back on their feet and found ourselves in a very interesting diner! The first thing I noticed was the bathroom doors were locked with a code…interesting…

After waiting a little bit we were finally seated in a booth right by the door. About two seconds later, a fascinating little man approached us. He was wearing jean overalls with a Tennessee T on the pocket and a red shirt. His belly can only be described as a perfectly round little sphere. He came up to our table in all his glory and addressed Smarty Pants in a very flamboyant and southern accent, “Girl, you should not be sitting in that outfit! That’s just too beautiful for sitting.”

“My God look at you girls,” pointing at each of us… “ Divine, Divine, Divine- can I borrow a cell phone.” I couldn’t help myself I had to laugh. He came back to the table a couple of times to entertain us with his exuberance and then as suddenly as he came, he disappeared.

We left the restaurant around 3:30AM! Smarty Pant’s Mama told her, “Nothin’ good happens after 1AM,” but in this case she was wrong. We hailed ourselves a cab and were ready to go settle in for the night…but not before the cabdriver gave us a serious talking to. He was white haired, with glasses and had a twinkle in his eye as he started in, “What the hell are you girls doing in that dump?”

“Huh?… uh…” was the response from all four of us.

“That was probably the worst place you could have ever gone. VAGRANTS eat in there.” I wondered how the vagrants paid for their food. “Did you notice the locks on the bathrooms?… so they can’t go in there and shoot up! Don’t you ever go in there, again. If I had picked you up, I would have taken you to a nice place. There’s a real nice place right by your hotel.”

He continued to malign us all the way back to the hotel. Okay, so our choice of diner wasn’t the best… we still had a FABULOUS time. We laughed all night long, and at 11:00 the next day as we tried to rouse ourselves to leave the hotel, we laughed about it all again. There is no place more fascinating to meet people than Denver!

If anyone reading this has had the thought, “These four ladies have no business wondering around Downtown Denver until the wee hours of the morning…” let me just direct you to this little link to make you feel a little better.

Worlds Best Chocolate Cake!

2009-02-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

Spain’s coming up in May and DH (Darling Husband) went to a Spain seminar put on by his company. For those of you who haven’t heard from me bragging and rubbing it in… DH won a trip to SPAIN from his company!! I KNOW!! It’s completely unbelievable and is one of those trips that would NEVER happen if it were not FREE!

Anyway… he brought home a book, the Frommer’s Spain 2009! I immediately went into research mode.

We are flying from here to Germany, in FIRST class with a slight layover. Enough to grab our bags, check in with customs, get my STAMP! and then on to the next flight. I actually wish we were staying longer, this is where my people are from…

Then we land in Marbella, Spain. When I was looking through the book, the first heading is “Where to Stay” and has a subtitle of “Very Expensive”. The Marbella Club is the first listing and happens to be where we are staying!!! Quote- “This is the grande dame of all Costa Del Sol resorts. … the snobbish Marbella Club reigned almost without equal as the exclusive hangout of aristocrats and tycoons.” I have never!!!

Here’s the situation in Spain as far as I can tell… you wake up late, go have a really strong coffee and some Danish… then go take a nap… lunch isn’t until 1:30 or 2:00. This is the big meal. You eat, drink lots of wine, and then you go take a nap. Dinner is not until 9:30 or 10:00 at night. Instead of taking another nap you are free to sit in a Tapas bar eating appetizers and drinking more WINE!, but you have to realize the bars and fun doesn’t start until midnight or 1:00 AM! So, basically you sit in a bar from 2:00 until midnight drinking wine and eating, so when the bar opens, you’re rip roaring to go!! I haven’t really figured out yet, when they work?…

After five days, a couple of group tours, a Spa Day, a walk across some bridge into MOROCCO! and a traditional Spanish Lunch at Puente Romano, we are headed off in a teeny tiny plane to Barcelona. I checked the book… Our hotel, listed again under “very expensive” Hotel Arts, the only beachfront address in Barcelona. It’s one of Barcelona’s only skyscrapers. The upper floors are the “private condominiums of some of the country’s most gossiped about aristocrats and financiers”. Holy Snickers!!

The last, most important bit of information is that Barcelona has the BEST CHOCOLATE CAKE IN THE WORLD! Bubo & bubo bars, Master patissier Carles Mampel won the Lyon Press Award for the best chocolate cake in 2005 and hasn’t changed the recipe since. Guess where I’m going after my second nap???

All I can say is, Wow! I love my husband’s job! Sometimes it really sucks, he’s gone a lot and I miss him, but the WORLD BEST CHOCOLATE CAKE, please! That’ll make it all worthwhile!

My Sunday Rondeau

2009-02-22T15:06:00.000-08:00

A fleeting glimpse of truth in me
Only in brief the glance will be.
Hiding in unfamiliar spaces
Written across happy faces
Hasten now entirely free.

The sorrow shown to all who see
then flicker back to revelry.
Back to more familiar places,
A fleeting glimpse.

The face, a window shown clearly
So quickly questions mount a plea
What truth in this, the mind races
That sorrow left with no traces?
Safe back inside my panoply.
A fleeting glimpse.

Dixie Cups

2009-02-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

My twenty-year high school reunion is coming up this summer. Let me just be Frank, (wait, I knew a Frank in high school, let’s just say honest) Honestly, I’m looking pretty good. Not too many wrinkles, weights in the appropriate range, all the gray hairs are concealed by a wonderful woman named Terrilynn, my only real concern is… well my boobs. I’m wondering if I have time for a little lift. You know just something simple, get them back to their 20 year old hey day!

I realize this blog is getting a little sketchy, first the whole “Slumber Party” thing, now we’re talking about my boobs. Nobody said you had to read it!

All I can say is, “Come on girls! Where the hell are you going??” Ever since I’ve started this little running gig… you know training for the BolderBoulder, I’ve lost some weight. Guess where the weight is coming from? Yep, the C cups are shrinkin’ up! It’s really not fair. Trust me, there are other areas I wouldn’t miss.

There is an alternative to actually going under the knife, to perk them up. I just saw on Dr. Phil, teenage girls wearing more than one bra at a time to look busty! Now that’s an idea. How many do you think I can get on at one time, six… seven? How about if I just stuff the way I used to in sixth grade? Although, I never really thought the wadded up Kleenexes fooled anyone.

I’d like to get in on Victoria’s little Secret, but I have a feeling it’s more about airbrushing and lighting than the actual bras. So what am I left with here, Dixie cup ta-tas, or Dr. Christian Troy on Nip Tuck?

Maybe, I should just quit running and let myself "redevelope" . I just heard a study that heavy women over the age of 40 actually look younger than thin women. So which is it at the twenty-year reunion, plump and boobalicious, or skinny with mosquito bites?… tough choice.

WARNING ** The following blog does have sexual content, it is for mature audiences!

2009-02-12T09:34:00.000-08:00

Went to a “Slumber Party” last night at my friend Cindi’s house. That’s Cindi - with an I, and don’t you forget it! She’s been selling sex toys… opps, bedroom enhancement products, for about six years now. She loves her job, which is totally obvious right from the start.

There are no men allowed at these parties, and obviously no kids. The women were a broad mix of ages. I brought Smarty Pants with me and while I didn’t know anyone else in the room, it only took me a second to recognize the one mother I had just spent the afternoon with at the Kindergarten Valentines party.

“Two very different parties in one day, huh?” she asked.

“Wow, yeah.” I replied smartly, twirling the green penis dangling from my wine glass.

After a few yummy snacks and a refill on the wine, we all headed into the living room to gather round for her sales pitch. She let us know right up front that she’d be giving us a little sex education, and she would be calling parts by their actual names, no Wooh Whos or Va’ JJ, No Mr. Willie or the Snake. She explained quite eloquently that there really is no “Little Man in the Boat.”

She told us she had everything in stock, (Even the Blow Up SHEEP) so we’d take our prizes home in a discrete black bag and that ordering would be private. Thank Goodness for the one who wanted to buy the BLOW UP SHEEP! BAAA BAAA. I was a bit relieved I wouldn’t need to know what Kindergarten Mom was buying. It might make the next Kindergarten activity a bit uncomfortable… “so…how’s the nipple cream working out for you?”

Cindi eased us in with a candle, some great smelling body sprays and a vibrating hair brush… no… this really is for your HEAD!

Then she brought out the more interesting stuff… bottles of little wonder products with names like, Lickity Stiff, Like a Virgin, Nympho Niagra, and X-scream! Wow! Her helpful assistant went around the room, spraying, dipping and rubbing all kinds of gels, powders and glitters on the women.

Right before the five-minute break, she pointed out the wide assortment of lingerie, everything from sparkles to leathers to pearls, and the library section, with books with titles like, Tickle His Pickle and Ride ‘Em Cowgirl - Sex Position Secrets For Better Bucking! Mama never told me there were books like this!

After the break the fun really started, with Cindi – with an I, setting a glowing, rotating vibrator right on the fireplace mantel and telling us it worked as an art piece. Huh… I never would have thought of that…

She brought out more battery-operated devices than I ever imagined possible. Every size, shape and color imaginable. With working parts that rotated, vibrated, jabbed and tickled and the grand daddy of them all that rotated, vibrated, jabbed and tickled all at the same time! These little babies, or I should say BIG babies had some great names too. Names like, Twist and Shout, Beginner’s Bunny, Mr. Dependable and Sugar Spoon! I want that job, the one who gets to come up with the names for this stuff!

She wrapped up the show right after nine o’clock and Smarty Pants and I had to dash home to the kiddos. We placed our order, took our discrete black bags, vibrating and BAAing and left as quickly as we could.

It was a really fun evening. I think it’s important that women can feel empowered about their sexuality. It’s about damn time! We can finally be a mature audience in discussing what works and can take control of our own sex lives. Thank you CINDI - with an I, for all you do to help women. Oh… and thanks for the Penis Lipstick, you gave me for FREE!

Angelina and Me

2009-02-10T20:59:00.000-08:00

Today was random craziness… started the day off comparing myself to Angelina Jolie and got laughed at by a Funky Chicken…tried a second time to draw attention back to myself with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt still in the picture and got completely shut down by Brad's abs… somehow side stepped to literary connections… and faced off against a smarty pants, who didn’t find the humor in any of it. Laugh Smarty Pants, Laugh!!

Why do people in my REAL life have to mess in my happy little fantasy life? I am HOTTER, (more hot) than ANGELINA FRICKIN’ JOLIE…

In the middle of all this I managed to clean my house top to bottom, run two miles, do 200 sit ups, create Easy Bake oven SPECTACULAR cakes, all while listening to my five year old ramble nonstop nonsense.

Random sentence # 2643, “When are we going to the dentist again, he said I can come in whenever my tooth is loose?”

Me ~ “Your tooth’s not loose.”

#2644 “Yeah, but I can come in WHEN it is, sometimes he just pulls kids teeth.”

Vacuumed entire house and turned around just in time to see old dog WIPE HIS BUTT on the carpet! Picked up second child from school, dragging his tail off the bus because he and his teacher can’t seem to read the note about CAR PICK UP! Came home to struggle with 2nd grade homework, saying for the 1000th time “Went is not spelled Wint!” and “How can you misspell School, when it’s in the sentence right above you?”

Made homemade pizzas, listened to my mother-in-law freak out about the salmonella Girl Scout cookies I fed my children, waited until MIL left then Googled salmonella in Girl Scout cookies… Did Eye Spy Book with five year old, watched Air Bud while five year old talked through entire movie.

Put five-year-old to bed just in time for son to come home from basketball practice in a TOTAL panic because brand new iPod is making a funny noise and seems to be broken. Fixed the iPod, tucked son into bed, talked to Smarty Pants about catering big FUNdraiser and emailed ten people about auction items. Now I am going to stay up late and continue writing my 2nd novel…

Dear Angelina,
Try THAT without any housecleaners, cooks, chauffers, nannies or BRAD PITT to help you out!
HA! I AM smokin’ hot!!
ME

Just Breathe

2009-02-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

The word Spirit, comes from the Latin spirare which means breathe. When I have time to sit quietly, or to write, to tap into my spirit, I feel like I can once again breathe. When I let the world fold over myself, engulfing all the energy I have, the way the world likes to do… I can’t breathe.

The sun helps me to breathe.

Wine helps me breathe.

Running.

Dancing.

Laughing.

Loving.

They all help me to breathe.

Without them… these few moments snatched back from the jaws of the greedy world ~ I would surely suffocate.

Wedded Wives

2009-02-04T19:48:00.000-08:00

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to put on a school fundraiser, which is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly or without the book from the year before, that tells you what the hell you're supposed to be doing.

If any person can show just cause for why this fundraiser should not be held as it was the year before, let them speak now and commit themselves to Chair the event, or forever hold their peace. You didn't want to chair... you must now HOLD YOUR PEACE!

Who gives these two Mom's permission to pick a DJ, decide on the caterers, make casino choices and choose whether the "Chicken Dance" will be played during the event?

This event is a serious event. It should not be looked upon lightly. Each year the schools successes and extravagances are judged by the fundraiser put forth the year before. With this in mind...

Do you Margie, take Susanne to be your lawful wedded bitch to yell at and cuss out, throughout the fundraising process?

Do you Susanne, take Margie through sickness and health, smart-ass moments and tear jerking stomach spasms from laughing too much, throughout the fundraising process?

If so... repeat after me...

I will not EVER tell ANYONE, what we discuss in moments of ridiculous, sleep deprived pandemonium. I promise to have your back whenever someone who didn't have the guts to chair the boot starts to cuss you out. I will pump you full of caffeine before every meeting and feed you chocolate whenever the shit hits the fan... and I promise above all else to be your friend on April 26th.

I am so happy to present to you, the newly wedded fundraising beotches, Smarty Pants and Slippers!

You may now eat your chocolate!

25 Random Things About me

2009-01-31T12:25:00.000-08:00

I did this for my friends on Facebook who were bugging me to complete it. It took so much time, I decided to post it here too. At least get the mileage out of my suffering through it. Hopefully, these are random enough that some might surprise you.

25 Things About me

1. I have a very traumatic memory of Brussel Sprouts as a kid. I have had therapy, but I still can’t look at them without feeling insecure and sick to my stomach.
2. I believe in the power of positive thinking.
3. I am hopelessly in love with my dogs.
4. I love to have people over, for drinks, for dinners, to hang out.
5. I think sometimes your friends can be more like family to you than some of your family.
6. The day I got married I was scared to death I would screw it up.
7. I believe in Angels, Ghosts, Jesus and Reincarnation and no matter what your religion is I don’t believe you are wrong.
8. I love to run, drive fast, and listen to loud music.
9. I love having my kids around, but a lot of times I am desperate for a quiet moment.
10. I cuss a lot... in front of my kids, and I don’t feel guilty about it.
11. I am a Colorado Native and I hate to ski. I’m the “sit in the lodge, with a cocktail” girl.
12. I used to own a V8, green Mustang Convertible with brown leather seats and I really miss it.
13. I think my sister and I are really twins born 15 months apart.
14. My husband saved me from myself.
15. I am a better person than I was when I was younger.
16. I hate cats and thought it was funny when mine got eaten by a Mountain Lion.
17. I think I’m really funny, and I love people who make me laugh.
18. I HATE doing laundry more than anything else. Ridiculous, never-ending, mundane, thoughtless task!
19. I love to paint. Not pictures but rooms in my house, because that is a task you can complete and I love the feeling when it’s all done and looks different.
20. I like to change my hair a lot just to add a little excitement to my husband’s life, although I’m not sure he even notices anymore.
21. I know what a really bad day is so I have no patience for people who are always finding something to complain about.
22. I believe you can tell everything about a person by whether or not they smile easily and by looking in their eyes.
23. I love to learn new words, try new foods, and go to new places.
24. I often have too much on my mind and have trouble focusing on one thing at a time.
25. I really, really like to make shit up. Have a complete fantasy life going on in my head. Go to places where no one knows me and pretend to be someone different. Lose myself in good books or good movies. I love to tell stories.

Happy Birthday!

2009-01-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

Eight years ago today, my sister timed my contractions all through the first half of the Superbowl. As the end of the game approached we knew we were headed for the hospital. I remember standing in my living room in the dark for a moment by myself, feeling a contraction bearing down and knowing my life would change forever.

As DH drove through a snowstorm with my sister in the back still timing my contractions, I had every imaginable thought about what might possibly go wrong. By the time we got to the hospital an hour later, I was cussing.

I realize that’s not surprising for those of you who know me, but I seriously thought I was gonna die. I was hollering for all I was worth. Then my favorite man in the entire world walked through the door… The anesthesiologist! He took that giant needle and stuck it in my back and everything was sunshine and roses again.

My DH really wanted a boy. In fact he asked me before he agreed to marry me, if I would have as many as it took to get a boy. I was sure we’d have a bus load of girls and I’d be bearing children until my eggs would no longer hatch. My sister, who already had two boys of her own, really wanted a girl. I really wanted a baby.

When the baby finally came, it was January 29th his actual due date. I heard my sister say in a completely disgusted voice, “That, would be a boy,” and I saw DH pump his fists in the air like he’d just won the lottery. I had my baby, that’s all that mattered to me.

DH declared his name… then they weighed the baby, 6lbs 4oz. This next part will stick in my mind for all eternity, my darling sister announcing, “Wow, I thought surely she’d have a much bigger baby.”

The only part better than actually having the baby was getting to call my in-laws. This was their first grandbaby and telling them he was here, was a lot of fun.

The first day he was home, we found out he had Jaundice. Our precious baby got to live in a suitcase for the first week of his life. After that we just let him live under the counter.

Here it is eight years later. I am so blessed to have such a fine young man to call my son. He is such a delight. Happy Birthday, baby!

"Read to me, Mama"

2009-01-27T19:49:00.000-08:00

I lost my darn parent pamphlet and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing it right.

Let me start at the beginning. I started reading to my son when he was six months old. My friends and family would marvel at the basket of books in our living room that our toddler would constantly bring over to hear us read. He would sit in my lap and listen to one after another, after another. Friends would ask me how I did it, how I got him so interested. I honestly didn't do anything but offer them to him and he loved it.

I was always a good reader. I loved it from the very beginning. I get very nostalgic when I think of all the great stories I read when I was a kid. I loved it. Because of these two things, I always assumed my kids would be the same way. I'm not sure I even assumed it so much as not giving it a second thought. Sure they would read, why wouldn't they?

You can imagine my surprise when at the end of Kindergarten his teacher pulled me in to put him on a reading plan. He simply wasn't getting it. I was shocked. I didn't realize this was something I was going to have to really teach him. I just thought he'd pick it up the same as riding a bike or losing a tooth. It just happened, right?

Um... apparently not.

He's in second grade now, and while he's really doing great, he's still a little behind and he just doesn't seem to like it much. I know I put pressure on him to be a good reader. I just think it's so important. How will he ever be a good student if he's not a good reader?

Tonight, he had a little melt down. He's only in second grade and he's feeling the stress. He thinks it's all really hard. I sit here tonight feeling like a pretty crappy mom. I want so much for him, I just don't know how to help him achieve it.

Beanbags ROCK!

2009-01-26T11:15:00.000-08:00

The dog trainer came this morning and much to the surprise of my husband, she succeeded in turning Cujo into Lassie in about 90 minutes. By the time she was done with him the dog could juggle and dance a jig while saving Timmy at the same time.

Trouble is, now it’s up to me to keep Lassie convinced I’m the one in charge. She’s been gone about 30 minutes and he’s still in a total state of WTF just happened here. It makes me laugh out loud to have him look to see if it’s okay with me for him to lie down.

She armed me with the new growl noise (which hubby finds hysterical and slightly sexy) and the new threat. Apparently, I was not being threatening enough. I have three beanbag looking devices that have chain inside them similar to choke chain. When he doesn’t listen, I drop one of them in front of him and it scares him silly. Big 100-pound dog turns into a big baby over a beanbag! Can you believe it?? Me neither.

I am giddy with delight! Seriously, giddy! HA HA Dog. A few hundred dollars bought me a couple of SCARY beanbags and a whole new dog. Who woulda thunk it? Now if I can just train the kids the same way, my life is back under control.

Painting

2009-01-25T07:00:00.001-08:00

One snowy white morning, I was driving my kids to school when my son shared with me his friends idea of a snow covered day. She told him God decided he wanted to paint that day so by morning, he had turned everything totally white. He could start over and spend the whole day painting the world all the beautiful colors for a second time.

That's the way it works in Colorado. You wake up to the entire world covered in white and by the afternoon, all the colors are back. It's a nice image to think of God with a giant paintbrush taking his time to color all the world back the way he likes it.

If this is the way it works then God decided to start with Gray this morning. I got up at 7:00AM and went out to walk our old dog. We can't let him out by himself anymore or he wanders away. I don't really know if he's out exploring the world or if he follows his nose and ends up lost. I tend to think the latter.

It reminds me of the time when I was in high school, my mom and I were driving past an old folks home that had a wide open field next to it. Out in the field, an old woman in a robe and slippers was running as fast as her 80 year old legs would take her. Not far behind were the nurses trying to catch her. I was sure, in my infinite wisdom of 17, she was enjoying a moment of freedom. Now it occurs to me she may have been lost and desperately trying to figure out where she belonged.

For this reason, I completely enjoy giving my dog our time out in the morning. He takes his time sniffing around, as if things might have changed since the night before, occasionally looking back just to make sure I'm still there... making sure I don't get lost.

This morning while we were out I noticed the quiet, then I noticed the gray. The trees were gray and the ground was gray. The entire sky was gray, with a mist of low hanging gray clouds completely erasing the mountains we live by. I honestly couldn't see one single thing that wasn't gray.

I thought about my kid's friend for a moment, then I thought about how much I would appreciate all the colors when God got done painting later today.

The Butterfly Effect

2009-01-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

The Butterfly effect from Wikipedia:

“The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly’s wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of a tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in a certain location. The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different. While the butterfly does not cause the tornado, the flap of its wings is an essential part of the initial conditions resulting in a tornado.”

I just finished reading, “The Hour I First Believed” By Wally Lamb. It’s a long book with a lot going on, but one thing that caught my attention and stuck is the Chaos Complexity Theory – which is basically the Butterfly Effect.

What a fascinating theory. It reminds me and makes me consider the overall effect we as human beings have on one another. While we may not create the chaos that happens in another person’s life, what we do, our actions before and after may effect the outcome or severity of the chaos.

Here in my home town, there is a big controversy happening about our responsibilities to help one another in our community. The way the situation has been handled so far has created far more chaos than I ever imagined could be brought about by people I call neighbors and friends.

The smallest amount of generosity shown to another human being, results in a kindness that cannot be measured. I know this is true. I have lived this kind of generosity. This holds true for every interaction we share with others. The kindness shown to a child, or a single abuse forced on that child, has a long-standing effect on who that person becomes and what they will in turn reflect upon others.

On this day, when our newest president takes office, I must consider the desire he has to affect other people through hope for our future. The actions it will take to make a significant change in our country are not his alone but all of our responsibility. While some mock his desire to instill hope as an action plan, I do have hope. It occurs to me the simple act of hope, may in fact be as subtle as the flap of the butterfly’s wings.

Call me Pollyanna or naïve, call me whatever you like, but know, that my actions will always be considered. For while the butterfly may not be aware of it’s power over situations, we as human beings must be aware that the extent of our action or inaction will cause a tornado, or possibly alter it’s course, and with that in mind, it should never be a question of whether or not we will help ~ but simply how can we best serve those who cross our path?

Sprinkles

2009-01-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

SCARY DAY!

Went to Chick-Fil-A during the lunch hour. Took my five year old. She was chomping at the bit to spend a little time in the germ-infested playroom. I haven’t been there in a really long time.

When we first walked in I noticed the place was packed. It was incredibly loud with little voices reverberating off the walls. There was also a multitude of strange bouncing balls of energy. They were different sizes and shapes and they were bouncing plainly off the floor. I panicked for a second, thinking I had accidentally wound up in Chucky Cheese Hell.

We don’t go there anymore since my son was three and peed inside the tubing six feet off the floor after he refused for three hours to come down. I finally had to squeeze my big, just had the second baby butt, up into the tubing and drag him kicking, screaming and dripping all the way back down...but that's a whole nother Oprah!

Back at Chick-Fil-A, the first thing DD (Darling Daughter) noticed were the ice-cream cones they were handing out. There is also a “Sprinkle” station set up where the little darlings can empty an entire bottle of sugar on top of their ice cream. That’s when I realized the bouncing balls of energy were actually children who were sugared up, high as kite!

I got our meals and found an out of the way table in the corner, while DD skipped off to play in the enclosed glass cage. It’s kind of like watching monkeys at the zoo. You can see them laugh and play, fight and cry but you can’t hear a single sound. I happily began stuffing those fat-free waffle fries in my mouth while I gazed around the room.

Sitting next to me was a table of three mothers. I have no idea how many children they actually had because they only occasionally bounced back to the table at random times. The kids were running around the restaurant, getting their own soda refills, and pouring milk on one another. The mothers never looked at them once. It was a complete free for all.

I looked at the mother who was sitting directly across from me; actually I was staring at her. She never noticed. She was glassy-eyed and fixated on the adult conversation that was happening at her table. That’s when it hit me. In the early stages of motherhood, when the sheer delight at being able to stay home wears off, you realize that watching a six month old in her saucer suck on the little wobbly bee just isn’t very fascinating!

You crave the adult conversation so badly, that when you hit the big PAY DAY and end up in a kid friendly restaurant with not one but TWO other adults who are willing to listen to you, there’s no way in HELL you’re going to pull yourself away unless that kid next to you throws up in your lap; truthfully, maybe not even then.

After DD finished wallowing with the monkeys and ate a few bites of her sandwich she was ready for that ice cream. She’s pretty shy so I have to make her do things on her own. I sent her up to the counter to ask for herself.

You won’t believe this part… seriously, I was floored…

They won’t give you a free ice cream unless you TRADE IN the book they just gave you as a prize in the kid’s meal. They are making kids decide between a book and an ice cream cone with sugar topping! And we wonder why our kids are illiterate! Let me just tell you as a writer and a big reader I was less than pleased when she came back near tears.

There wasn’t any way I was going to make her give up a book for that treat, so I went to the counter to buy her a cone. When I asked for the kid’s cone, the guy tells me, “If she gives back the book she can have it free.” It took everything in me not to jump across the counter and choke the poor sucker.

“Yep, she told me,” I said, “But she doesn’t want to give up the book, so I’ll just buy the cone.”

The place erupted like I had just asked for all the money out of the register. “Did ja hear that? Kid don’t want to give up her book.”

"What? But it’s for a FREE ICE CREAM!”

“I better get the manager.”

I bent down to my DD and asked her, “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather go to Dairy Queen?”

“But Mama, I want to do my own sprinkles.”

“We could go to the store, you could have a quart of ice cream and a whole jar of sprinkles to yourself.”

"I just want those sprinkles.”

So, I stuck it out, waited for the manager. Explained to him, she didn’t want to trade in her book for a cone. Told him I just wanted to buy the damn thing. He gave me the roll of the eyes and slight but noticable shake of the head, but he gave her the cone and didn’t charge me. Hallelujah!

Guess what DD said after one lick of the cone?

“Mama, I really don’t like the sprinkles.”

For Steph

2009-01-08T22:44:00.000-08:00

ass over teacup
that’s where we all lie
when life has surprised us
with questions of why

ass over teacup
when our spiritual side
hides in the darkness
where misfortune resides

ass over teacup
so much easier to be
than facing the hurt
or attempting to flee

ass over teacup
can’t take a stand
it takes a village
when the shit hits the fan

ass over teacup
help’s on the way
your heart calls out
what your voice can’t say

ass over teacup
maybe you, maybe me
the blink that is life
makes it impossible to see

Blog Errors

2009-01-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

Cujo won't format correctly. Sorry, get through it without the paragraphs.

Cujo

2009-01-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

Menace to Society! No not the girl, although she TOTALLY is, the dog. That's what my vet called him yesterday. We just lovingly refer to him as Cujo.

Come on, I mean he just tried to eat the vet. Aren't they used to that kind of thing?

I knew, he was going to. I saw the signs. The morning walk to the bus stop was a complete disaster. He grabbed a hold of the leash for a little tug of war. Knocking me clean into a snow bank. The poor kid that waits with us is afraid of dogs. Nothing like a little Menace to Society to root that fear clear into therapy as an adult. I watch his eyes getting wider as the dog yanks me off balance. Clearly no control.

I'm not completely irresponsible. He tried to eat another guy in the neighborhood a while back. That's when I recognized the problem. We've been to PetSmart training classes twice. The first time as a little puppy. He passed with flying colors. The second time, not so much.

He has a very stubborn disposition, and he just WON'T stay. Can't really step up to the "go to your bed," without knowing how to stay first. Besides the fact the trainer didn't really want me to let go of the leash in the store for fear he would ingest one of the other dogs. Why do people buy little dogs anyway? I always assumed they were meant to be a snack.

The vet seriously lectured me for about 20 minutes on the dangers of having an unpredictable dog. Then she handed me the pamphlet for the Bark Busters dog trainers. They come to your house and give you a life time guarantee. If at anytime in the dog's life he reverts back to bad behavior or he picks up some other undesirable trait, they will come out for free and fix him again. While she was telling me this all I could hear was Ka-Ching, Ka-Ching.

My darling hubby would rather shoot this dog than spend another dime on him. Guess it's time to pull out the Bambi voice again. Does anyone know the Dog Whisperer? I betcha he wouldn't even be able to shush this dog.

Oops!

2009-01-05T20:20:00.000-08:00

Most embarrassing moment of 2009.

Decided today after running to call hubby about a little love time. You know... kids back in school, Hubby's in the basement pretending to work. I figured we could use a little break.

I pick up the phone and dial him. Yes, I'm upstairs, he's in the basement. I could have shouted at him from the top of the stairs, but I thought this would be more fun. A little sexy afternoon caller, what a GREAT idea.

He answers, I launch full blown into my "Bambi voice" offering some very inventive and specific ideas if he would just like to come up the stairs to join me.

One problem... I dialed the wrong number.

I spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince this random guy at the other end of the line that I was not crank calling him and he should definitely NOT call the police.

These sorts of things really don't happen to other people, do they?

Kids in School ~ Lets RUN!!

2009-01-05T08:57:00.001-08:00

Kids are back in school. This officially begins the New Year! Hubby took them to the bus stop because it's FREEZING cold today and I am a spoiled princess who wouldn't be happy standing at the bus stop.

So, the second they walk their little bus, bound, booties out the door, I decide to change into my running clothes and get started on this whole Boulder Boulder goal. 6 miles, (actually, a little more than 6, but my friend waited until I'd had a couple of martinis to tell me that little tidbit) in under 60 minutes. Yep, that's the goal...

Today however, it wasn't pretty...

The first mile, listening to a little Katy Perry ~ I kissed a girl, great song, a little Pink! the new Funhouse CD. Totally great running music, really getting into it now. I think, "I love running, how come I haven't been doing this everyday?"

Mile two rolls around a little slowly. I'm at 30 minutes already. This is when I usually stop. "But I'm motivated today, I'm doing at least 4 miles." I have a cold so the coughing was a little distracting. About 2 and 1/2 miles and the dog needed to be let in, so I jumped off and jogged to the door. "Wow, my legs are a little sore."

Gwen Stephani comes on, Wind it Up! I love this one, I can keep going. I start out at a good pace. "hmmm... my legs really are tired already, maybe I'll fast walk... Why am I doing this?"

Mile 3 comes up. "I think I may need to throw up. Okay, it's taken me longer than I wanted but I only have one mile left, right? Lets try Queen that always gets me going..." Bicycle Race is my ultimate running song. When they get to the part, "On your marks, get set, GO." I run like there is a boogie man chasing me. I'm gonna win this damn race if it kills me. But, not today...

I barely get through the, "You say Black, I say White. You say Bark, I say Bite." Nope, this isn't gonna work today. Let's switch to a Salt-N-Peppa, Push it. Not even that could get me going in that last mile.

As 3 1/2 miles slowly turned up on the display, I had to grab onto the bars on both sides to avoid spilling off the back side of the treadmill and landing in a heap. I ended the 4 miles listening to SpongeBob, The Best Day Ever, because I couldn't let go of the bars to change the song. I'll have to thank my son for adding that to my running music later.

The New Year has begun. If I wasn't such a Pollyanna, look at the bright side, kinda person, today would have been the last day for that little resolution, but I am Pollyanna, and I think by May she will be able to run 6.25 miles in 60 minutes, even if it kills her.

Firemen Butterflies and New Years Resolutions

2009-01-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

“Firemen know the precarious line we walk between life and death. That is a lesson.”

I went to Brian Kopp’s funeral yesterday. He was a fireman who died trying to save a friend in an avalanche. I know his wife. His kids go to our school. This is just one of the things said yesterday which made an impression on me, that I want to keep.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just keep that in mind, ALL THE TIME? The line is thin. We walk it everyday. One-day, things seem just as they have always been, and the next they are completely changed forever. My heart goes out to the family. I feel I know a lot of what they will go through over the next couple of years. Not as a wife, but as a close supporter.

The New Year is upon us. I’ve talked to many friends and family about New Years resolutions. What’s it gonna be this year? Climb a mountain, lose 20 pounds, quit smoking or drinking? Lots of good intentions out there in the first few days. I refuse to even start my New Years Resolutions until later. Why hurry?

Really, my goals are pretty much the same as in the past. I would like to become published. I want to write more, appreciate life more, have more fun. The new one’s this year are few, but BIG! I want to get a tattoo. I have it all picked out and I’m ready to go! My sister and I are getting matching tattoos, only in different places and different colors. Basically the same, we’re getting Butterflies. There is a great story behind this. I think I’ll digress to share…

When we were kids, I was standing outside of our 1950’s brick, ranch style mansion, by myself. A butterfly flew into the yard. I watched it for a while and then I lifted my hand up and the butterfly landed on my hand. I went inside yelling that a butterfly landed on my hand and my sister being... you know, older and wiser, yelled at me to shut up! She insisted there wasn’t any way that had happened.

I drug her outside and stood waiting. The butterfly flew over and landed on my hand a second time. I smiled smugly and went inside the house. From the curtains I could see her trying tirelessly to get a butterfly to land on her hand also. But alas, that was not to be!

20 years later, I was telling that story to someone and Lisa started shouting at me like a crazy banshee. She claims the butterfly landed on her hand in the first place not mine. Well, let me tell you, she’s crazy! She likes to steal my thoughts and my memories and claim they are her own. I know it’s not entirely her fault, being so close in age, some things seem to overlap. Besides that, she clearly has a screw loose.

Back to my goals for the year…

I want to run the Boulder Boulder, this one came from a friend, who encouraged me to join her. She runs it every year. I would love to do this! I would love to be committed enough to run it in under 60 minutes. That’s my friend’s goal so I have adopted it. A little lofty for my first year, but I think I can do it.

Besides that I just want to appreciate my friends and family more. Whenever a tragedy strikes I always have the same thoughts, “I wonder what was the last thing she said to him. What did he say to her? What will the kids remember as the last time with their dad.”

It makes such an impression on me, like the last few seconds are more important somehow than the millions and trillions of seconds before. I know that’s not how it works. I just hope when I die, or someone really close to me goes, my last encounter with the people I’ve loved is a great one. I hope I wasn’t bitchy, or condescending, or rude. I hope I was gracious, loving and understanding.

Let’s face it sometimes I am bitchy, condescending and rude. The only way to increase my chances in those last moments, is to try and become a calmer, better person. That’s made it to the list for 2009 too.

One last thing that fits in here perfectly, the fireman buddy that was eulogizing Brian said, even when Brian ruffled some feathers, if he was condescending or didn’t say things the way he would have wanted to, he always went back afterwards and tried to fix it. He apologized and in certain times admitted he was wrong. I think that’s a big lesson too! We aren’t perfect people, we all make mistakes, what a better place it would be if we learned to make up for the things we do wrong.

One LAST THING… My heart also goes out to John Travolta for losing his son. My aunt spent time with him on the set of Wild Hogs and says he is an incredible person, very loving and sincere. I imagine there can’t be anything worse than losing a child, I feel very sorry for him and his wife.

The Power of the Blog!

2008-12-29T18:24:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying, I feel bad. Really, I do.

I was raised Catholic and the guilt sneaks up on you at mysterious times like these...

Cat is gone.

Friday night, Good dog was having a bad night. He was pretty crippled up and Hubby and I were having a hard time. We thought maybe this was the end. He couldn't get comfortable, the arthritis is now affecting his front shoulders so he can't lift his head. He was really having a terrible time.

At some point, Cat goes out. No big deal. Cat is an outside cat. We've seen this bad boy back down even the biggest foxes in the neighborhood. He has no fear and often brings home his kill to share. I hardly paid any notice to the fact he was out.

So, a day goes by... then two... no cat. Dog is feeling better. The miracle of drugs. ***SLIGHT Side bar*** Hubby still doesn't like the idea that we are paying for expensive drugs to mask the effects of the arthritis in Good dog. Don't get me wrong, he LOVES this dog. He just thinks we are paying a ton on band aids, knowing full well we can't fix him. Makes you wonder... what happens when I need expensive medications? Think he'll want to put me down too?

ANYWHO... (my favorite word of late, can ya tell?) Today, I think... hmmm... cat's been gone a while now. Wonder where he is? I decide to search the perimeter for signs of a struggle. No fluff or cat bones, no blood, nothing. Checked the snow tracks trying to see something out of the ordinary, nothing, dog prints, deer prints everything checks out. Couldn't find my CSI Kit to check for fingerprints, so I gave up. Surely he'll come back.

I go from my yard to the mailbox where I receive an ominous looking letter from the neighbor. Dear Neighbor, Just want to inform you, I saw TWO Mountain Lions circling your house on Saturday night. Please keep pets and children inside.

Wow! Too late for that little bit of advice...

Hubby still thinks he might come back. Please! I'm not the brightest bulb, but cat missing, plus two mountain lions, does not equal happily ever after.

I broke the news to the kids. One cried. The other asked if we could get another cat. I'm not falling for that again.

I know this sounds terrible, I seriously feel bad for not liking him in the first place, but I can rest assured tonight he won't jump out and bite me from under the bed.

The Defeat of Desperaux

2008-12-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

I have no business writing right now. I should be baking and wrapping and cleaning and cooking and generally getting ready for the whirlwind that’s Christmas. But, alas… I must. Besides, I’ve made myself a promise not to flip out this year. The year of the ESPN Game Station taught me that…but THAT’s another story.

The kids and I just returned from seeing The Tales of Desperaux. I have to admit I am flummoxed by it. The movie was really not much like the book and some of the decisions that were made, to make it (I am assuming) more “Theatrical”, make no sense at all.

Why did they have to change the chef from a woman to a man? What in the world was with the vegetable man?? Some of the choices that were made took this story from an incredible fairy tale complete with princesses and heroes to a confusing, crazy tale.

I need someone that didn’t read the book, but has seen the movie, to comment. Did you like it at all? This was one of the best books I’ve read in a while. The story line was more subtle in the book. Although, the author did often talk directly to the reader, I don’t think she said it quite so plainly as in the movie.

The story is that of grief, how great an emotion it is, and how it leads from one reaction to another, affecting more people than you can realize. Then, BIG STORY SPOILER, how forgiveness is the only emotion greater. They did get this moral across but not without flat out SAYING it in the movie.

My kids were mad about the cat, no cat in the book, and it seemed the Kitty saved the day more than Desperaux did, and I’m pretty sure the rats were never going to eat the princess. Who by the way was never called by her name in the movie. She was just “the Princess”.

I was pretty excited to go see this movie today, and if you can’t already tell, pretty disappointed in the outcome. People you need to READ THE BOOK!! Read it to your kids, read it to yourself, just read it. Then let me know what you think. I can’t imagine that the author, Kate DiCamillo is happy with the outcome. I’d actually love to hear what she thinks.

Okay, that’s my rant for today, I have high hopes for “Bolt” and “Bedtime Stories” we’ll see how those turn out. Back to making Christmas “Happen” for my family. Isn’t it great how magical it appears when really it’s a TON of work. That’s another blog too…

Buttery Christmas Bliss

2008-12-15T09:18:00.000-08:00

You know the Christmas season has officially gone into full swing when you’ve gone to one of those present exchange games and come home with the Naughty, Naughty Christmas Kit.

My party was last Friday. It was our Desperate Housewives Christmas gift exchange and let me tell you those women can shop! The gifts were so great!! There were 30 some ladies all dressed in their holiday outfits~ sparkles and glitter all around. Everyone brought a yummy treat to share and there was of course a little libation pouring as well.

I have never been to one of the DH events (that’s not really what they call it, it’s the Mothers Group, but I like my title better). So, I only knew about half of the gals that attended. The hostess is a very good friend and she flicked me…hard… when I wavered about going. SO I WENT! And I’m so glad I did.

After the gals ate a bit and chit chatted a little catching up and meeting one another, it was time for the game to begin. You know how it’s played, if you don’t you must not get invited to parties much… in any case, I picked number 3! Not a very good pick. This number guarantees you will be choosing more than one gift and probably going home with a stinker.

I picked a beautiful white angel that was very quickly stolen. Not long after my pick, a lovely older woman, whom I don’t know, chose her gift. She unwrapped the Naughty, Naughty Christmas Kit. I honestly don’t know this lady’s age but I’m here to tell you she probably wouldn’t know what to do with the fuzzy red handcuffs or the step-by-step instructional guide. I am pretty sure that ship had sailed…

As the game played on, I had for a moment, a lovely set of Christmas plates, and then once again stolen my angel back. The entire time I was waiting for someone who knew this lovely gal to take the Naughty Christmas gift and give her another shot. Out of all of the incredible gifts of the night only two were of sexual nature. How is it that one of them was chosen by the oldest member of the group?

Finally, my turn came up again as someone stole my angel for the third time. I had a momentary flash of my grandma in the fuzzy red handcuffs and after a stiff shot of something one of the gals brought (buttery nipple babies???) knew what I had to do. I stole the Naughty Christmas gift from Grandma. The entire room erupted, all singing my praises for my selfless act, saving Christmas for this little old lady. If they only knew how happy hubby was when I came home with my gift.

After that the party really started, Hostess with the Mostest opened the package and began reading the instructional guide. Little helpful tips like, “Sensuality is a must in any romantic relationship and believe it or not, the skin is the body’s largest organ, which makes it the most important part of your sensuality!” Grandma fainted, and more of the buttery shots went around.

Next thing I knew I was handcuffed to Hostess. I laughed so hard I peed my pants, and somehow the entire night passed in a butter shot blur. The Hostess ate an entire plate of cream cheese with jelly and in fact almost kicked someone’s ass for trying to throw it out. (I later heard from her that butter shots and cream cheese with jelly really isn’t a good idea and should be remembered as such in the future.)

At one thirty in the morning, my darling designated driver dropped my buttery butt home. I crawled into my bed next to hubby mumbling something about pictures of me handcuffed to Hostess posted on the Internet and fell asleep in Christmassy bliss! Fabulous, Fabulous party! SO happy that I attended and no matter how selfless you think I was being that night, the Naughty, Naughty Christmas gift will be the present I remember the most of 2008!

Scattered Leaves

2008-12-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

I’ve been feeling really scattered lately. My household has been sick. First it was my kids and then they transferred all those yummy germs to me. Today is the third day I've been under the weather, it’s almost 9pm and I still feel like I’ve been run over by the virus bus. When the kids are sick, nothing gets done. They want to snuggle on the couch and watch movies together. They want me to be near them.

I tried very hard to be in the moment. To appreciate that time with them, knowing it won’t always be that way. When they get a bit bigger it will be about being alone, to themselves, probably in their rooms. A little older still and they will have friends, and loved one’s to take care of them, it won’t always be me they’re asking for, so I did my best to forget the laundry piling up and the dishes and dinners, and I held them and watched movies and I let them cough in my face…

Now they are in their beds, it’s quiet in my house and I am trying to find the little piece of me that I like the most, the creative piece. The one that works to see through things and understands things through the words that pile up on the page.

I always feel scattered when I haven’t been writing for a while. It’s back to the basics. I need to get back on track. There is a song on my iPod, it’s sung by Bo Bice but it’s a remake. I love it! It’s called “I Don’t Want to Be.” The lyrics are “I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately. Part of where I’m going, is knowing where I’m coming from. All I have to do is think of me and I’ve got piece of mind. I don’t want to be anything other than me.”

I think of these lyrics a lot, I love to run to this song. It motivates me. I really do want to be exactly who I’ve been trying to be lately. I still do, totally stupid things, say stupid things, and I am the type of person that really obsesses over those things. For day’s I berate myself for something I said, or how I said it or what I THOUGHT you thought about what I said. It’s really ridiculous. My first battle is always to forgive myself for not being perfect. For sometimes saying the wrong thing.

But the truth is, I wouldn’t really change anything about myself. I know that life is what you make of it and I make an effort everyday to at least enjoy my journey. I am typically a pretty happy person. It takes a lot to tick me off and most of the time when I am mad, it’s more at myself than anyone else. I am reminded quite often that the journey is a short one.

My iPod is now playing Barenaked Ladies ~ “If I Had A Million Dollars.” This one’s pretty motivating too!

If I had a million dollars I’d build a tree fort in our yard.

If writers listen to music to motivate themselves what do you suppose musicians do to motivate themselves?

Anywhootie… the basics…

Living well, becoming the person I intend to be, finding peace and solitude among the many errands that I cherish, forgiving myself for my imperfectness, enjoying the journey… what else is there?

Are you my Soul Mate?

2008-12-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

I believe in soul mates. A group of us talked about this last night at a party. Most people had the opposite opinion. How can it be that we have only one person that is meant to be? Surely it’s more about the work you do to stay in touch and in love.

Wikipedia says, “Soulmate is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/ or compatibility.

I like this definition. This definition is not so much about the person we are meant to be with and marry, as it is about two people that immediately like and admire each other. I’ve had this with a few people not all of them I chose to marry.

Wade is the person I am supposed to be married to. I didn’t know this immediately. In fact, I walked down the aisle with great doubt. Over the years I have grown to know and love this man like no other. I know he is my soul mate.

But I have other soul mates that are equally important to me. My sister is one of them. I didn’t choose her and she didn’t choose me but we’ve been tied to each other through this life and I know she makes a difference. I enjoy having her in my daily life and I know I wouldn’t be the same without her as my confidant. I have a deep affinity, a friendship and love for her.

I have also had friends and even acquaintances with whom I’ve felt the same. It’s someone you meet and just know you like them immediately. You look in their eyes and feel something familiar, something comfortable. Sometimes that develops into a great long lasting friendship, sometimes they are in my life for a short time and then they’re gone. Either way, I value the moments I’ve had with them and know I have met someone I was supposed to meet.

I really like the idea that these are the people who travel through time with us. Soul Mates are the ones that we find from one life to the next. That’s why they feel familiar. We’ve known them before.

So do I believe in soul mates? Yep… sure do, I believe if we are lucky, we pick one to marry, but they are also the family members we are the closest to, as well as the friends and acquaintances we connect with in our lives.

Beware of CAT!

2008-12-04T08:18:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting lately because I use my procrastination time on FaceBook now. Nothing like Flinging Food or throwing virtual snow balls to keep you off track. Love it.

Anywho... dog is fine. Seems he has nine lives. At least I'm hoping so. Popped the little barker full of pain killers for a few days and the next thing you know he's off roaming the neighborhood.

Cat on the other hand is walking a very thin line. Some of you may know this about me... I'm not exactly a cat lover, at least not this cat. He bites. Hard. For no apparent reason. He is totally an outside cat and, the one upside, loves to eat mice. Now that it's getting cold outside, snow and all that, he's spending more and more time inside. Biting me.

I can't tell you what it's like to live with an animal by choice that sneak attacks you around corners to sink his sharp little feline teeth into your ankle. I shake my leg as hard as I can and the vicious beast still won't let go.

Lately, he's taken to sleeping on my bed. It's like having a wicked, little, attack dog, lying in wait. Hmmm... how can I sneak past and slip in to the covers without him noticing? His ears fold back, the first sign of the attack, then he hisses at you... okay, I'll sleep on the couch, you have the bed.

My neighbor just sent me an email to let me know her attack cat died the other morning. Luck would have it the little darling had kidney failure and dropped dead on the floor of a stroke. Anyone know how I can get my cat to do that?

Besides hating my cat, we're just gearing up for the holidays. I love my 13 foot tree! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy every time I look at it. The snow is falling as I write this, creating the perfect snowy, do nothing, day. I like to wander out to my sun room when it's snowing. I look around and pretend I live in a snow globe.

We're also busy building lasting memories for the kiddos. We let them sled in the dark the other night. Now my little one has a beastly cold, but the doctor assures me it wasn't the night air. (tell my mother-in-law!)

I think I'll go make fudge after I write this. I realize it's a few weeks early, but if I have to, I can always make a second batch! Please let me know if anyone is looking for a cat for Christmas I have the perfect little Scrooge to fit the bill.

2008-11-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

I'm worried about my dog. Our lab, our buddy for the last 12 years. He has arthritis all through his back. He's had some pain, and some trouble from it now and again, but we never put him on any permanent medication. We always just gave him a pill if he needed it and he'd bounce right back.

Now, he can't really walk. He's dragging his back foot and he keeps falling down. We have stairs all over the house and I'm worried he'll try and go down and he'll fall. I'm also struggling to keep the puppy from hurting him worse. My Berner is just such a big beast. We're keeping them pretty separate right now.

I'm avoiding the call to the vet. I don't want her to tell me there isn't anything she can do. So far he doesn't seem to be in any pain. He just can't walk.

This dog was our first commitment to each other. Before we even got engaged. It's like... okay, we can own a dog together. Wade wanted a hunting dog, and he picked him out. He was such a cute puppy. Turns out, not much of a hunting dog. He's about the laziest Lab you'd ever meet. When Wade would take him bird hunting he'd chase after the birds once, maybe twice, then Wade would turn around wondering where the dog went. He'd be curled up on the leather seats of the truck waiting for Wade to come back.

Wade's always thought this was his dog... please... he's mine. He protects me when Wade's gone. He loves me always, he's the best dog I've ever known. I think many people that know him would say the same thing. He's always just had the sweetest spirit. I know I need to do what's best for my buddy now, I just know, I'll miss him so much.

Cheering myself!

2008-11-14T11:26:00.000-08:00

I've been writing all morning. In fact right this second I really need to pee! It's going so well, the story is playing out wonderfully! I have big hopes and a serious need to tell this story right. I'm doing everything I can not to edit myself at this point. I'm just truckin' along typing my little heart out. I think I'm finished for the day, but I hit a milestone. I'm at 10,075 words. Yeah, me!

Ode to Wade

2008-11-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time
In a town called Jewel
There lived a darling girl
Who was no fool.

She spent her younger years
Dating around
Only to find
The men were all clowns.

Until one day
When the moon was right
Along came the prince
And my…what a sight.

He was dressed all in camouflage
From his head to his toe
And he carried a gun
For fighing? Oh no!

He was a mighty hunter
Who killed only to eat.
He brought the young lass
Pig, Chicken and Meat!

Her heart was a flutter
As this gent knelt down.
Her hand was the question
But it was met with a frown.

Will you always love me
More than the hunt?
The answer she expected
Came out as a grunt.

And just as she thought
She might still take this man
Along came a big Buck
And away he ran.

The moral of this story
Has one big but ~
Only take a hunter for a husband
If you enjoy a good rut!

Love Letter

2008-11-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was cleaning up the kitchen when my sister called. She was crying. She said "You won't believe this. Listen to what I found." Then she began reading a love letter.

A letter to Lisa on her first anniversary from her husband Steve. He started out by saying the first anniversary is paper, so he thought he'd write her a letter. He described their wedding, the way he felt when she walked down the aisle, full of happiness and hope. How she made him feel everyday after and how lucky he was to have her. He described their future full of children and success, he told her as long as he had her, he would be alright. It was a long letter. A great letter.

I wondered this morning if he thought about her reading it. Did he imagine 60 years from that moment, her pulling out the letter and reading... happy about the life they shared? Maybe he imagined her on their 25th or even 50th anniversary. All the letters he would have written by then, reminding her of his love.

Well, this story didn't turn out like that. This January 15th marks the third anniversary of Steve's death. His future was as bright as his letter foretold. They had two kids, they had a happy marriage. They both found a love most people only dream of and then it was gone.

Lisa told me she honestly hadn't remembered he wrote the letter. She had forgotten all about it. Her boys wanted to see pictures of their wedding and she pulled out a book the guests from the wedding wrote in, and the letter fell out onto the floor. Their first anniversary, all came back to Lisa as this perfect memory. This was the present he gave her. They lived in a cheap little apartment and they had just begun their lives. When he wrote this letter, the future was bright and full of promise.

I know, this is the reason I write. The boys were only 6 and 9 when their dad died. I immediately started writing about the whole situation. Their grief, the baby steps we all took to healing. I wanted them to have something they could go back to later, whenever they needed to reflect on the time in their lives that changed everything. I've kept everything.

That's what the letter is for Lisa. It's a reminder from Steve, sent at a time when she needs to remember. The Holidays have begun for us. They have been really hard the last two years. Sam's birthday is Nov 2nd. Then Thanksgiving, the holiday Lisa and Steve always hosted. Christmas, a time no kid should be without a parent.

Their anniversary, on New Years Eve. This would have been 15 years. What would the letter say this year? Then Jack's birthday which is also the anniversary of Steve's death. I almost hate to see them come. I have hope, though. Belief that these days will be better than the last, and next year~ better still.

As for the letter, I'm so grateful she has it. I told her to read it to the boys. They need to hear how much their dad loved their mom. It's difficult to know she's lost this love, but it's also nice to be reminded how great that love was. This letter seems to be a gentle reminder from a man that is greatly missed to appreciate our loved one's and to let them know how important they are to us. I think, I'll go write my own love letter. Maybe you could do the same?

Right on Track

2008-11-08T07:41:00.000-08:00

The idea for the book I'm writing now, came from a true story of a POW in Vietnam. It's a story that came to me over and over again in strange ways, and has haunted me ever since. It's really been over a year or longer, the story has been rattling around in my head. I feel compelled to tell it.

I began writing it and very quickly went off track. I hated what I'd written and was disillusioned about whether I could actually tell the story the way I'd envisioned or not. When NaNoWriMo, came up I thought it the perfect way to start over. I scraped the first version off the page into the trash and started over. I am very excited about the way this second one has begun, but I found myself worrying about rushing through it.

This story feels so important to me. So instead of trying to finish 50,000 words in one month, I am going to use NaNoWriMo to motivate and drive me to continue this book, but I'm not going to worry about getting to the 50,000 mark as much as just keep writing.

Because of this decision, I decided I could spend some more time researching this week. I really need to feel wrapped up in Vietnam in order to write about it like I've lived it. So yesterday I went to the book store. I left my two kids in the children's section and headed for History and War to find a couple of books. I knew my kids wouldn't last long, so I hurried. I pulled three books off the shelf. The first was a history of the war, the second a story of the waiting wives back home, and the third a book of POW survivor stories.

Last night I picked up the POW stories and began to read. Within the first chapter I found the name of the exact POW I'm writing about! It's amazing! This book tells the stories of seven different men, (I call them men although at 18, 19 years old they were really just boys) and one of the men knew and talked about my guy throughout his chapters! It's just another affirmation that I'm on the right track. Out of all the books on Vietnam and all the POW's, I picked a book off a shelf in five minutes and ended up picking the EXACT book I needed.

Isn't life great?!

My excitement and confidence is renewed. I'm reading and thinking and writing~ and I'm happy. I know I can do this right. Next week when I'm off track again, because I'm sure I'll loose all this confidence and excitement, I'll just read this little blog and try and find my happy place once again...

Kids say the Darndest things...

2008-11-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

I've got to write about my son today. We've had the funniest day. Let me start by telling you his teacher is 27 years old, and CUTE! I wouldn't write about that, except it needs to be said in order to understand the scale of my embarrassment. I volunteer in his class once a week and honestly, I try and forget the fact he's the same age as my "baby" brother.

Anyway, today cute teacher says, I can spend a little time checking the kids work books to make sure they are all on track. I've had a bit of trouble with my son, actually doing his work and not spending most of the afternoon drinking as much water as possible to ensure as many trips to the bathroom as he can fit into a single afternoon, so I decide to check his work first.

Spelling book ~ on track!
Handwriting ~ looking good!
Vocabulary ~ two words for the day. First word, fabulous, they need to write the definition and then come up with a sentence using the word. Then they get to draw a picture depicting their sentence.

I get to the second word. The word is flexible. Definition: willing or able to make changes. Then I read my kids sentence...

My mom is so flexible, she can touch her head to her toes! ummm.... OH MY GOD!! All I could do was laugh! I briefly considered grabbing him by the shirt and asking him, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT??"

Then all I could think about was the big pink eraser, where the hell is the big pink eraser? Immediately afterward we got called out of the room to go rehearse our Veterans Day celebration. I never did get to erase the sentence.

When I told my friends what he wrote we laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. We have had a very funny day... and I'm sure cute teacher and I will have plenty to discuss at parent teacher conferences, and I am SO glad he didn't have time to draw the picture!

Proud of My Country!

2008-11-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

I am so happy today. I believe President Obama is going to be GREAT!

It was a fun night. My sister and a great friend and I sat at the bar until we got the west coast. We cheered and celebrated and then went home to watch the speeches.

I feel a little sad for John McCain. I think he is a great man. I think he failed when he picked Sarah Palin. His speech last night was great. I believe him when he says he will work with Obama to make our country better. And that's what we need to be... better.

GO VOTE!!!

2008-11-04T06:29:00.000-08:00

History making day today. Do you're part~ Go vote! A few friends and I are going to sit at our little dive bar in town and do shots whenever the Dems take a state. Hopefully we'll be dancing on the tables early in the night.

Had a good writing day yesterday. Word count is 2573. I know I'm still behind. I'm supposed to write 1667 words per day to stay on track. Should be at 6668 by tonight. But as I said before I'll be dancing on tables tonight... which means I'll be even more behind and probably writing with a hangover tomorrow.

That's okay, I just feel good that I'm writing again, and not editing while I'm going is pretty great too. I just don't feel like I have to worry about it yet. We'll see, one really good day and maybe I'll catch up.

Rats!

2008-10-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

320 pieces of pizza, 240 brats, 300 hotdogs, 90 Philly cheesesteaks, 100 pretzels, 140 baked potatoes, 80lbs of Nacho cheese, and ga’zillions of gallons of chili, which my dear friend Sue made!

We’re havin’ a party!! Fall Festival this weekend for our school. Great weather, tons of games and fun for the whole family, can’t wait! I’ve been busy hunting and gathering. I’m doing food for the third year. I love it. Everyone knows the party’s always in the kitchen.

I’ve also been working very hard on my costume. I know I’m blowing the surprise for my friends that read the blog, but… oh, well.

I’m gonna be Ratasuzie!! Kinda like Ratatouille, only ME! Nothin’ like havin’ a rat cook your food.

Because of this fun filled weekend, I’m starting my NaNo WriMo late. Monday’s day one, and then I’ll have to take off Tuesday for the election, pins and needles, pins and needles… then it’s full on Carpal Tunnel here we come.

Happy Halloween! And Good luck waking the kids after Day Light Savings!

NaNo WriMo

2008-10-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

I decided to try NaNo WriMo. Its the National Novel Writing Month contest to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I signed up this morning but it doesn't start until November 1st. I love this kind of thing. Obviously it's not going to be the best writing I've ever done, but I've been hung up lately editing myself. I spend too much time trying to rewrite the five pages I've already written and spend very little time writing new words.

This is going to force me to just shut up and write. If I don't blog much in November at least you'll know why. Every last word I can make my fingers type needs to be included in the contest. I'm so glad I started drinking coffee again... surely that'll help.

You know... I'm kinda scared.

Back to drinking Coffee

2008-10-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah so that coffee thing.... I broke down yesterday over a Pumpkin Latte. Besides I missed my Barack Obama coffee mug.

Folklore Foul

2008-10-23T16:23:00.000-07:00

I just received an email entitled: We learn the “truth” behind Snopes.com. Basically the email discredits the website as fact based and states that it’s run by a husband and wife. “No big office of investigators and researchers, no team of lawyers it’s just a mom and pop shop.” It goes on to say the couple that own and operate the site are “jewish- very Democratic (party) and extremely liberal.”

Hmmm…

My RA (Republican Aunt) recently questioned me about the validity of FactCheck.org. Apparently when the site debunks rumors about Obama it’s being biased and liberal as well. Actually, I think that every source I have used in political debates with folks from the Republican side have been questioned, ridiculed and found “Unreliable”. Funny thing is, it was a dedicated Republican that gave me the FactCheck.org site as a valuable site for information.

I’m bothered by all of this. I have no idea if David and Barbara Mikkelson (the couple who started Snopes) are biased in their opinions. I’m not at all sure what being Jewish has to do with it!! Their web site seems to be a pretty valuable tool when trying to figure out if any random piece of information floating in the Internet atmosphere holds any truth, or not. They include on the web pages references~ the actual places they used to come up with the answer they are giving.

This reminds me of the good old days. Remember the one’s where we had to footnote things we wrote about? The days when we weren’t allowed to just make shit up? I wonder how my children will ever be able to discern any valuable information out of this mess we call the web.

FactCheck.org is funded by The Annenberg Foundation. The president and chairman of the Annenberg Foundation is Leonore Annenberg. She in fact, endorsed McCain for president on Oct. 8th. So if there is any bias coming from FactCheck it should be on the side of the Conservatives.

I realize there are few sites we can count on as unbiased and reliable. I think it’s sad that on any one thing we try to research we have to search through dozens of crazy links and decipher for ourselves the sites that seem “the most factual”.

I hate to get the emails about the missing kid (usually not true) or the one about the new US Dollar Coins that omit the motto “In God We Trust” (not true) or the 1000’s of petitions if you sign this and send it HERE you will get back $1000’s of dollars. I like the idea that I can go to a website and just check.

As a side note can I point out here that Email Petitions of any kind don’t work. If someone sends a petition out to 10 people with his name on the bottom and those 10 people sign it and send it out to 10 more, we now have 20 petitions with the same name on them. They send those out to 10 more, now 30 petition with the same name on them. I think you get the point.

Who do you think they hire to go through the millions of petitions name by name to cross of all of the signatures that are a repeat?~ If it pays well, I’ll take that job. Besides the fact that the signatures could all be fakes. No one is going to take an email petition seriously. Skip me when sending those –K?

All I can say is every thing we want to learn needs to be backed up by a somewhat reliable site – Texas Beeoches blog, is not one of those – and then common sense and reason has to be applied. Unfortunately fewer and fewer people seem to have inherited that little trait…

Energy and NOT the Nuclear kind

2008-10-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

My sister and I had a very interesting weekend. We spent all day Sunday at a Brian Weiss seminar. Dr. Weiss is a graduate of Columbia University and Yale Medical School. He is also Chairman Emeritus of Psychiatry at the Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami.

Dr. Weiss uses hypnosis to heal people through past life regression.

I’ve spent many days trying to process all that we experienced on Sunday. I think I am still trying to do that. I also read his book, Many Lives, Many Masters. In this first book, Dr. Weiss tells how he, as a skeptic and scientist, was led by a patient in hypnosis into the idea of Reincarnation.

I know… I’ve heard, many people think this is the strangest thing they’ve ever heard. People laughed and scoffed when I told them where I was going this weekend. My sister has even been called a devil worshiper for our time spent. Hang in there with me. I’ve got a lot to say on the subject. In fact, I think it’s going to take more than one post. Otherwise, I think it might look like I wrote my own book.

First of all let me tell you what he taught me about skepticism. A skeptic is someone that questions things. It is not someone that decides they don’t believe something without ever learning about it or experiencing it. That is an uninformed opinion. He told us right from the beginning that it’s okay to be a skeptic. I can say I fit in that category.

I also learned that Reincarnation and Christianity do not have to be a separate idea. It was actually apart of Christian teachings until 553AD when the Roman Church took it out and claimed any talk of reincarnation was heresy. They thought without the idea of damnation no one would follow their teachings. In December 1945 many of these early Christian teachings were unearthed in Upper Egypt.

There is also a misconception that Heaven can’t be a part of reincarnation. Dr. Weiss’s experience includes time in a place of rest and recuperation, healing and learning, not just zapping from one body to another. There is also no reincarnation to dogs or plants or trees, in his teaching. No black goats, sorry Jules…

I am not trying to say you should all believe in Reincarnation. I’m just saying that its possibilities have been around for a really long time and in more than one religion. I have always been open to the idea that while Jesus was a great teacher, his teachings were in the hands of man and great powers of the church. It is a possibility they didn’t like some of the things he taught and simply disregarded them. Especially 500 years after his death. Nobody even knew him anymore.

The majority of what I learned in our all day session was about energy. Not the kind that Obama and McCain are going on and on about, the kind that radiates from a person. This is something I have always been interested in. I think it’s a verifiable thing. Something we have some scientific facts about and something that I have, myself, experienced.

I can always feel another person’s energy. It doesn’t take a word or action for me to tell how someone is feeling. There is an overwhelming energy that is carried by every person. This is the way I pick the people I want to surround myself with.

In the seminar we went through four, different hypnosis. Two were to determine past lives, one was an energy sharing and one was health and healing.

First of all let me tell you, I love to be hypnotized. When I was in college at Wichita State University studying theater, we did something we called “going to zero”. It is basically a self-hypnosis to calm yourself and let your character become a part of who you are. I loved it! Any reason to lie around breathing deep and totally relaxing~ I’m in!

I like the thought of good energy and light entering my body while you exhale all the bad energy and stress. I am a terribly scattered, neurotic person. I know this. I have trouble compartmentalizing my thoughts. I can’t go from one thing to another without still thinking about the last thing. A little meditation, going to zero, and I am a completely different person.

I like that person better. So, in my search for the calm serene Susanne, I’ve stopped drinking coffee. All hell broke loose on day two, I actually thought I might die from my headache. Today…all better. I am getting up in the morning, making myself some decaf tea and trying to calm my mind. Even more important, between things, work to school, kids to work, I am trying to breath, relax and leave things behind.

I really like the way I have been feeling. I have so much more to say about this weekend and the class, but for now, I am moving on… I’ll tell you about the visualizations later. Let me just leave you with this... guess who believed in reincarnation?

Ben Franklin, Mark Twain, Henry Ford, Freidrich Nietzsche, Ralph Waldo Emerson, General George S. Patton, Albert Schweitzer, Socrates, George Harrison, and Walt Whitman just to name a few.

Drill, Baby Drill

2008-10-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've been wandering the blog-osphere today, trying to figure out why I don't feel like writing. Maybe it's because I'm damn tired. My daughter had the stomach flu yesterday and much of last night. Very little sleep for me! I fooled myself at first thinking each time... surely her stomach is empty now... then after about the tenth time she puked on the sheets, I decided to "sleep" with her so I could at least thrust the bowl under her chin when she started to retch. Too much information... clearly you aren't a mom.

Anyway, after reading some of my favorite blogs, I came across this one by Kung Fu Monkey. He is a screenwriter and pretty funny fellow. REPUBLICAN FRIENDS WARNING*** you will probably not find humor in this post. Might want to skip this one. Also please don't send hate email , if you do I'll be forced to leave my dirty puke sheets on your doorstep!

Read it and then come back for a short commentary... go ahead... click the link...

Hi, you're back. Okay, truth is I've been to a strip club. I think only once, although I seriously don't think I would commit each time to memory, I'm sure they are all pretty much the same. This line was the one that made me shoot my latte' out my nose.

"Modern American Conservatives have sunk to the intellectual and emotional level of the guy who thinks the stripper really likes him."

I received a really funny email from another dem. friend of mine the other day. It was similar in nature. The email was entitled Sarah Palin Naked, written by a guy named Michael Seitzman and included this little jewel...

"I realized three things tonight. For one, if you are a McCain/Palin/Bush voter, you and I do not have a difference of opinion. We have a difference in brain power. Two, she really is as ignorant as I feared. And, three, she really is kinda hot. Basically, I want to have sex with her on my Barack Obama sheets while my wife reads aloud from the Constitution. (My wife is cool with this if I promise to "first wipe off Palin's tranny makeup." I married well.)"

So my question is... seriously?? Would you "Do" her? She scares the hell out of me. I realize I'm a woman and not fit to judge, but sometimes even straight women can see another female and think, wow! she's hot... SO not the case on this one. When I think of Palin, I think Myra Hindley or Mommy Dearest, certainly not the sexy librarian many men have been talking about lately.

I am a little frightened to think that in this crap shoot of an economy many people are feeling like it really doesn't matter who becomes our next president. I agree it's going to be a long hard battle to change many of the problems we are facing at this time. I do hope though, that the frustration level does not get to the point that we are voting for the babe we would most like to knock boots with, (thats an old saying my uncle used to use~ I still like it).

I'm really not that old, and haven't been voting for a long time, but I have to say NEVER in my voting history have I EVER thought of one of the politicians as someone I would "Do!" Just the thought right now, actually gave me the creeps... or maybe I'm just getting that stomach thing... anyway... I'm also wondering right now, if I will ever be able to hear the phrase "Drill, baby Drill." and not picture Palin given us a wink!

Printing Money

2008-10-08T06:47:00.000-07:00

My son wanted to know what the highest denomination of bill he could save for. It started at $100. He wanted to save his allowance until he could trade his dad for an actual $100 bill. Fabulous, I thought, anything to teach him to save his money. My husband told him he thought the highest denomination was $10,000 but that there might be a $100,000 bill. I would do a cartwheel if the kid could save $1000 but whatever...

So this morning we looked on line together to find out what he could save for. We were totally disappointed. The highest bill in print today is the $100. At one time between 1934 and 1935 they printed a $100,000 but only for that short time. We are also no longer printing the $500, the $1000 or the $10,000.

I thought this says alot about our nation and the pickle we are currently in. People don't value good old fashioned cash anymore. It's so much better to have a shiny new CREDIT CARD!

My grandmother is the only one I knew that ever appreciated the good old fashioned dollar. When she died we were going through her clothes. I picked up my favorite dress of hers and for some reason checked the pockets~ out I pulled a $100 bill. We all laughed because she was known for stashing cash around the house. After that we had to check every pocket of every piece of clothing she owned and every nook and cranny of her house.

I guess I should be happy if at seven, my son saves even $100. I just wish we came up with at least a $500 bill just to challenge him!

Write Already Will Ya?

2008-10-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

I got yelled at last night for not blogging lately. I know things have gotten in the way. Darling Hubby yelled at me the other day for not writing at all. He said I have the opportunity right now to do something that I love to do and I don’t spend any time doing it at all. He’s right. So today I took the day off of everything else to write.

I know blogging seems a bit like procrastinating, but I’m using it as a warm up. I just thought I’d update you on some of the things that take me away from doing the thing I love the best.

First of all, politics. Part of my family and I disagree very strongly about this years election. I get emails from them everyday questioning and slamming Obama and his ethics. This is the obsessive, neurotic part of me that can not simply hit delete when those messages come in. I spend time researching the issues at hand and then send my best thoughts or facts to debate their ideas. But I’ve decided it takes up too much of my time. I am not going to change their minds and they are not going to change mine, so I’m working on letting it go. I’ll let you know how it goes.

The other night I went to a friend’s house to watch the VP debates. Had a great time with some really fun and like-minded women. I love all my Republican friends, but sometimes it’s just nice to know no matter what you say, no one is going to argue with you. I have to tell you, I loved Saturday Night Live this past Sat. How did they know we were playing a drinking game?

My dog has been taking up a good portion of my time as well. The darling has decided that NO electronic fence will keep him in. He takes the hit and keeps on going. I wanted a big furry beast and I certainly got one. We had to build a fence in the backyard the last two weekends. It is now complete and Big Ass Puppy doesn’t think it’s very funny. He whines and complains worse than my 5-year-old daughter. He’s pretty sure he’s been wrongly accused and jailed. I do have to say it was nice to put up my Halloween decorations on the front porch and not worry that Beasty would ingest them all within a couple of minutes.

Besides all of that, my kids and school take up a huge part of my time. I have this strange guilt about it I can’t seem to shake. Because writing is not a REAL job, no ones paying for me to sit here, I can’t seem to prioritize it. My kids, their activities, their school comes first. Wade keeps telling me there are plenty of other mothers to volunteer in my place, but I can’t give it up.

I love to go on their field trips and to be in their classrooms. I am organizing their assemblies this year, which has been pretty fun. We also have sports and dance we do every week. Right now I only have two days a week with no kids. One of those days I follow them to school and volunteer in their classes.

I think the only option right now for me to write is to get up early or stay up late. That’s how I wrote the last book. For some reason since school started I just haven’t worked out my schedule well.

I just realized this warm up exercise has turned into full on distraction and procrastination. So instead of any more analyzing why I don’t write anymore, I think I’ll get myself another pot of coffee and JUST WRITE!

Affable, Neurotic, Simile Winner!

2008-09-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

Hi! I went and worked out today with my friends RBF (Republican Best Friend) and MW4B (Mom with four boys). I didn't eat breakfast before I went, which I completely regretted. Anyway, food has been on my mind pretty much all day. I just found this recipe and although I don't know Becky or her Aunt Lyla~ I thought it sounded great. I've made Monkey Bread before but not with butterscotch pudding~~ YUMMY! Also I've always used refrigerator biscuits but since you're leaving this out over night, the bread's probably a better idea. Unless you're like me and you can't even set the coffee pot the night before, let alone think about making a bread… then just use the biscuits, roll each ball into the butter and then into the butterscotch, brown sugar and nuts throw it into the pan and then go ahead and bake.

Becky's Aunt Lyla's Amazing Monkey Bread Grease a bundt pan. Line with 18 frozen Bridgeford or Rich brand dinner rolls (or whatever brand you can find.) Sprinkle 1 package regular (not instant) butterscotch pudding mix, 1/2 cup brown sugar, 1 stick melted butter, and 1/2 cup pecans over the rolls. Cover with foil and a dish towel (I don't know what the dish towel is for but that's what she says, so you better do it.) Set on the counter overnight. The next morning, bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 40 minutes, invert, and get ready to die of happiness!

Also just wanted to tell you about my fabulous weekend. The writer’s conference was so fun! I took lots of valuable classes and also a couple my darling hubby would find questionable, but I loved them!!

I took a guided Hypnosis~ Finding your inner muse (by the way her name is Abigail, she lives in my grandma’s house and she has a ferocious eel with teeth, I have no idea why...)

I also took Inspirational writing, which wasn’t what you would think… it’s about using your meditative instincts and writing from your heart. Loved it!!

I also won a contest. It was the prestigious Simile Writing Contest. They gave us the form at the beginning and I never thought of it again. Then Sat. morning our Convention Goddess reminded us to turn them in. I only had ten minutes before my next class. The form had a list of words, to use in the simile. Let me just say, I never thought I would win!!

WINNING SIMILE: HER SIMILE WAS AS RIDICULOUS AS A CORNDOG WAITING FOR A BONE!

There were two other winners and one guy who won without writing a simile at all. (Similar, but not simile, to an Apple Pie Baking Contest won by my mother with a Pecan pie!) He wrote a limerick that I won’t repeat here but it used the word Nantucket!

It was a great time. I think even Hubby had a blast. When I came down Saturday night at 5:30 done with my classes for the day, he was sitting in the lounge surrounded by writers. No seriously, he was even talking to them.

One last part of the weekend, one class had us use the first letters of our names to describe ourselves. This was the one time in my life I thought of going with Sue instead of Susanne, but I didn’t. This is what I came up with…

Smart
Unique
Spontaneous
Affable
Neurotic
Natural
Expressive

She then asked us if we had any negative one’s on the list to cross them out and try again. I didn’t, because I embrace my neurotic side just as much as the other parts.

Overall FAB time! Thanks to hubby for buying it for my birthday.

Writers Weekend

2008-09-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

I'm going to the Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers 25th Anniversary Writers Conference this weekend. Darling Hubby got it for my birthday. He is coming with me and staying downtown. So I'll get to have dinners with him and some NO KID time!! YEAH!!!

I'm really excited. It looks like a great conference. There are great speakers, editors, and publishers to learn from. Great classes to take the entire weekend and my favorite part of writers conferences~ Writers to meet and talk to.

I told Hubby the other night, after all this political stuff lately, I've decided to become one of those hermit writers. You know the kind of crazy, never showers, drinks alot kind. The ones that never get out of the house, until they write THE END, and then only long enough to see what season it is outside before the next brilliant idea evolves in their brains and they MUST go back to work. He said he thinks that would be best...

Actually, I do feel more drawn to my computer lately. The new story has been evolving in my imagination a lot, and where before I would sit down to work and not really know where I was going, now I sit down and have so much to get to, I'm never really finished.

So after this weekend if you want to find me, I'll be in the loft. Bring a bar of soap and a bottle of wine when you come...

Fear in America

2008-09-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

I promised my darling hubby last night I was going to focus on fiction now and leave the politics to other people... sorry babe! Just one more.

My brother a staunch Republican just called me naïve. In fact he told me I might want to look the word up.

Naïve : unaffectedly simple, credulous.

That was mean.

I’m not naïve. Just because I don’t believe what you do doesn’t make me naïve. I believe the culture of fear we are creating in the US is wrong. We are told to be afraid of terrorists, the weather, disease, the end of the world and now our presidential candidate.

They say this election is going to be decided by white, Independent women. By Independent I mean the one’s who truly haven’t made up their minds yet. My Republican best friend told me yesterday you are only Independent until you pick a party then you are that. She’s right. I’m now a democrat.

So let’s talk about the people who haven’t made up their minds yet. Do you honestly think you are going to sway them to your side by trying to frighten them into thinking Obama is some kind of Muslim terrorist? I am not saying ALL REPUBLICANS DO THIS. But a lot are.

Let’s hear about your issues. What is your president going to do for us? I have two very good friends in my neighborhood who are Republicans. They are great debaters. They talk about the issues and they talk about their belief in the party overall. They don’t use the scare tactic that his birth certificate might not be valid. Come on, people! These are not the debates we need to be having.

I will not be persuaded by fear. Call me optimistic, For Justie, Optimism means: Belief in the essential goodness of the universe. I know what I believe, and I don’t think that makes me Naïve.

Just for the record, a few more beliefs, or rather what I don’t believe.

I don’t believe in a government that preaches “less taxes” but then ends up billions of dollars in debt.

I don’t believe in anyone that says “less government” and then tells me how we must take care of our bodies (abortion), who we can love (gay rights), and what religion we must believe (creationism in schools).

I also don’t believe in FEAR as a motivating factor.

Hey, but that’s just me… and I’m not afraid to say it!

Pork and Ice Cream

2008-09-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning I knew, it was going to be a long day. The cold had settled in like an unwelcome relative, selfish and insistent. I drug my sleepy body out of bed and headed for the coffee pot, but before I could get there the phone rang. I glanced at the clock, 6:45… this can’t be good.
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Brady?”
“Yes.”
“This is the Carter County Police Dept. we believe we have your dog.”
“My dog?”
“Yes.”
I rubbed my eyes and looked around the room.
“Seriously?”
“Yes. He was picked up last night outside the Tasty Freeze.”
“Okay…”
“We’ll need you to come down and post bail.”
“Bail…?”
I looked around to see if anyone else might be here to understand the parts of the conversation I was missing, but I seemed to be surprisingly alone.
“$250.”
“What?”
“$250… it’s mainly for the damages.”
“Damages?”
I knew I was sounding ridiculous, answering everything as if I didn’t hear him, but it was more just the simple act of understanding.
“He ate the cone.”
“Pardon me?”
“The cone… the big one with the chocolate swirl… the one that sits outside of the shop.”
“He ate it.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“So, I need to pay $250 to get the dog back.”
“That, and the medical bills.”
“Medical Bills.”
“The cone was pretty big.”
At this point I was wondering if I was actually awake or if this was some crazy dream. I pinched myself. Hard.
“Ouch.”
“Ma’am?”
“Nothing. So how much were the medical bills?”
“$2500.”
“But the dog’s okay?”
“Not exactly.” I decided to wait him out on this one. “Actually Ma’am, we lost the dog.”
“He died?”
“No, we lost him. When he came out of the anesthesia, he jumped off the table at the Emergency Vet’s office and ran out the door.”
“So, I have to pay $2750 for the dog and the damages and you lost the dog?”
“That’s it!”
I rubbed my eyes and thought of the coffee that wasn’t even percolating yet.
“Can I ask you one question?”
“Of course.”
“How do you know it’s my dog?”
“We called the number on his tag, and you answered the phone.”
“Well that solves everything.” I said.
“It does?”
“Yes, it can’t be my dog, because I don’t own a phone.”
The police officer on the other end of the line sat quietly for a second.
“I called… an.. and you answered,” he finally stammered.
“Yes.”
“So, who owns the phone.”
“Obviously, the dog.” I said and hung up the phone. I crossed the room, bent down to pet Pork, my two year old, Great Dane that loves to eat ice cream and then slowly made my way to the coffee pot to make my morning Joe.

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." ~Ray Bradbury

Drink up...

Obama For President

2008-09-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

I just spent the last three hours watching CNN. They had two back-to-back specials on, the first John McCain Revealed, and the second, Barack Obama Revealed. They were biographical in nature, but tried to present both the good, and not so good of each man.

First let me say, I am a registered Independent. Even though that takes me out of my right to vote in the primary elections, it is important to me because I think it means I will do my best to look at the people and the issues and vote the most appropriate way.

Over the last few days I have had many political debates with many different people. I enjoy hearing peoples point of view and sometimes even learn something from them. The part that worries me the most is the emotion that takes over in these debates and somehow pushes logic aside. I have copied a lot of what I’ve said in the last of these email debates for this blog.

Let me start with McCain. He is truly a great American. He has spent his lifetime serving his country. I cannot fault him for who he is even though there were issues in his background that can be questioned. I refuse to make that judgment.

I do question his choice of VP. I felt this choice was made to get the Hillary vote. I’m sorry but I think women are smarter than that. Palin has little in common with Hillary. My vote is based primarily on the issues and what these two men believe. I am voting for Obama.

On what Obama has done: granted he is the youngest person ever to run for the presidency. There is no way he can have done as much as McCain. But honestly, I feel what he has accomplished in a short time is admirable. You can fault him for choosing to be a community organizer, but I won't. He graduated from Harvard Law School and could have taken a number of high paying law positions. He didn't, he chose to serve the people. Maybe not as high risk as John McCain, but to the people of the South Side of Chicago, just as important. Not only did he help those people, he empowered them to do for themselves. That's what this country needs.

His voting record and the bills he has sponsored or cosponsored are important ones. There are a list on his website, BarackObama.com, as well as the website FactCheck.org. It really only takes an open mind to understand in a few short years he has done a tremendous amount. To begin with in the State Senate he headed an Ethics reform that he again co-sponsored in the US Senate. Clearly Ethics are important to him.

Pro Choice is important to me. McCain and Palin are against it. Palin in 2006, when pushed about her views on abortion was asked what she would think if her own daughter were raped and she said, she would choose life.

My sister’s healthcare is important to me. As a widowed mother of two, she has some of the worst insurance imaginable and she pays a fortune for it. I know our country needs healthcare reform. 47 Million Americans don't have ANY insurance. I like Obamas plan. I realize this will take some pressure on the insurance companies, but so would McCain's and I simply don't think his does enough.

I do not want Creationism taught in my kids schools. Palin said in 2006 she wanted to teach both Evolution and Creationism in schools. When asked if she believed in Evolution she refused to answer the question. I'm sorry but there is a separation of Church and State for a reason.

I believe in Stem Cell Research, McCain and Palin don't.

Education is important to me. The first bill Obama introduced in the Senate was to help make college more affordable by increasing the maximum Pell Grant from $4,050 to $5,100. As president his goal is to eliminate wasteful subsidies to private student lenders, which would save nearly $6 billion dollars per year, and invest the savings in additional student aid. As a person that had to take advantage of the Pell Grant to get my education and as a mother that has two kids to put through college, this issue means something to me.

There are so many more I could go through, but the trouble with debating this with anyone is it’s pretty hard to change anyone’s mind. All I ask is that you really look at the issues at stake, instead of basing your decision on who you might think he is. (for the record he is not a Muslim and never has been one!) I am afraid what many have presented has been more about his acquaintances, and for that matter, doesn't mean a thing to me.

I have met so many people in my life that I am "friendly" with who I don’t really like. I also have actual friends, really good friends, who I don’t agree with on every issue. In fact my best friend is a stanch republican, we believe very differently about many of these issues.

If I ever ran for president, I hope they wouldn't look at my friends or my family to judge who I am as an individual. Just because one person believes something, or does something, does not automatically reflect on those around him. Stop worrying about the people around him, and start worrying about your candidate’s beliefs. There are far too many differences in my view to ever get my vote.

Beware, my pretty Bears

2008-08-22T05:53:00.000-07:00

I waited a few days before writing this, thinking, maybe I'd settle down and not be so mad, but um... no. So here....

Last Monday, I was sitting on my front porch waiting for the school bus to come deliver my children, when I heard a strange, POP, POP, POP from a little ways off.

That sounds like gun fire I thought. Then just as quickly poo pooed myself. No way! Something else, I'm sure. The bus came around the corner dropping my kiddos off safely, and I went on with my day.

Then Tues. night I get a call from a neighbor. Apparently, IT WAS GUN FIRE! Right around the corner from me. Some guy driving a golf cart was shooting at a bear!

No! I thought. She must be mistaken, who would be so stupid to shoot at one of our beautiful bears, not to mention the fact that it was in a neighborhood at the same time the school bus was bringing home our children. I called around and sent a few emails.

Sure enough the Wildlife guys were canvasing the neighborhood looking for an injured or dead bear. They brought out the dogs trying to track him. No one really knows if the Jackass hit the bear or not.

I'm so upset over this. We live in bear territory. We chose it! Knew full well, we were sharing their space. Everyone around needs to know that too! We have had several instances this summer of bears getting into peoples houses. It's not really a mystery. If you leave a window open and have ANY food in the house, he's coming in.

One of the bears, a baby, was euthanized because of this. The Rangers give them the three strike rule and then say they can not be moved or rehabilitated after learning the way to get food is breaking and entering. So, we lose one of our natural neighbors. A fed bear is a dead bear. Nice little saying, huh?

Now we have some armed crazy person, shooting at a bear off a moving golf cart?? We are not so rural that you won't hit anything around if you MISS~! I feel very lucky he didn't kill anyone. I am pretty sure someone this stupid, couldn't have hit the bear. Most actual hunters know better. My husband is an avid hunter, he was just as shocked and appalled at this insane behavior as I was.

I have seen the bears in my yard four times this year. I am happily surprised every time! It's such a joy to watch something so big and free come waltzing by. They are wonderful! And if you've experienced them at all, you know, one loud noise and they GO AWAY! The first time I saw one coming through the backyard, I yelled at my husband to come. The windows were open and she heard me and immediately hightailed it out of the yard. These bears are harmless. They're just looking for something to eat. If you protest, even a little, they get the message.

I really just hope this guy gets his. Maybe the next time he comes to the table looking for his supper, his wife can shoot at him! I'd be happy to stand in, if she needs me.

Affordable Viagra $1

2008-08-20T06:09:00.000-07:00

Got my viagra email. Now my day can begin.

Worst Writing Day Ever!

2008-08-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I spent a lovely and quiet day writing my new novel. What a great day it was! Today, I have been caught up in my blog reading by a contest posted on this website.

It is a contest to write the WORST story line ever! It's so much fun, I am obsessing, ignoring my chores and my child. Here are a few of mine:

Procuring the Position of PTO President
Kindergartner, Pickles Parsley’s mom wants the position of PTO President and will do anything to get it, including pandering to the parents, picking off the competition with nasty paper cuts, planting parasites in certain parents potluck and even planning pedicures while pontificating about her perfect purple play dough.

I love alliteration and find it an essential tool in querying.

Malevolent Mailman: A middle-aged mailman delivers a letter to the wrong address angering an entire town who in turn vow to never mail again.

Tree Hugging: A nature loving arborist sets off on a quest to find and destroy the dreaded Pine Beetle only to discover an unrequited love for a tree chopping lumberjack named Ax.

All Around Afghan Hound: An overweight, washed up gymnast, who once tried out for the Olympics, turns her useless life around by taking up dog walking and in time teaches a trusted pooch a floor routine to beat all breeds, and winds up loosing ten pounds in the process.

Party Pooper: A middle-aged housewife, sick of leftovers and processed cheese, combats door to door sales men and telephone solicitors while trying to diaper her skittish toddler who refuses to poop in the potty.

AHHHHAHAHAHAH!! This is so much fun...who needs clean clothes, or dinner? I'm just gonna sit here all day doing this!

Kickin' Butt

2008-08-14T20:02:00.001-07:00

My friends and I went to a self defense class. It was seriously nerve racking. These guys in giant padded heads and diapers attacked us. First, from the front, then from behind, and finally with our eyes closed, so we never knew where they were coming from.

I'm a lover not a fighter.

It gave me serious anxiety to fight this way. These guys were great, they cussed at me and yelled at me and tried to wipe the "hee hee, this isn't real" smile off my face. It worked.

By the end, I was fighting for all I was worth. I was mad and defensive. It was great to have the chance to be in this situation, to learn to fight for your life when it wasn't real. If I ever find myself facing anything like this again, at least I'll have a point of reference. Here's a little clip of me fighting off the bad guys. They are spinning me around, with my eyes shut to make me completely disoriented before he attacks. I think I held my own...

National Friendship Week

2008-08-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

Reading the paper today, I found out Aug. 17th – Aug. 23rd. is National Friendship Week. It made me want to reflect on my friendships past and present. Friends are such a big part of life. I read in the article, “Aristotle viewed friendship among the highest virtues. He identified three kinds of friendship:

· Friendship of Pleasure - two people are wonderfully happy in each other’s company.
· Friendship of Utility – two people assist one another in everyday aspects of life.
· Friendship of virtue - two people mutually admire one another and will be on best behavior in order not to jeopardize their relationship.”

I have experienced all three kinds of friendships in my life. From my earliest friend, Heidi Brewer in 1st- 3rd grade, I knew what it was like to really be happy in someone else’s company. I remember, one time, she was supposed to spend the night at my house. For some reason, at the last moment, she couldn’t come. I had such heartache over her absence. She ended up moving in 3rd grade, another complete heartache. I tried to keep track of her for a little while. We saw each other once in her new town and then she just disappeared. I have often thought of her and wondered how she is, and what she’s doing.

From then on there were lots of friends. I have a friend I’ve had since Kindergarten. I have my best friend from High School who I also lived with awhile in College. Both of these are not really friendships anymore as much as nostalgic acquaintances. With both of these friends I value the time we were close and the memories we made. I miss those days but understand how much things and people change over time.

In my 20’s and early 30’s there were lots of friends. Many work friends which fall under the Friendship of Utility category, they usually disappear with the job.

I’ve had a few “Best Friends”. Each one enhancing different parts of my personality and changing with who we were at the time. Sadly, I think they may have been more of the Friendship of Virtue kind. In my experience, this type of friendship just doesn’t last.

You can only be on your best behavior so long. Sooner or later, real life comes into play and you do jeopardize the relationship by just being yourself. That’s when so many fall through the cracks.

It’s when you can be yourself and you know your friend is being herself that the Friendship of Pleasure really comes into play. That to me is the truest form of friendship. It’s the kind of friends we all were in the beginning. It’s the kind of friends Heidi Brewer and I were in Elementary School. Kids choose their friends just based on who they truly enjoy being around.

I have one friend, I know without a doubt, is a true all time friend. I have great faith through years of change, and even working with her, we will always have a connection. And I have my sister, but that is an entirely different blog.

Besides that, I have many friends I can count on. I don’t put anyone in the position of being something specific for me. I am in a place in life where I am happy with who I am and that seems to attract all kinds of great people. I have no desire to be on my best behavior anymore, you can like me or not, that’s okay.

With all the friendships I have made recently, and in the past, I am so happy to have such great people in my life. Even if only meant for a short time. Having all of these great personalities has made me who I am, and I appreciate you all.

Back to School and Publishing Steppingstones

2008-08-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

Having a good week. It’s back to school time. My second grader goes today, and my kindergartener starts tomorrow. I am excited for them although also really surprised at the way time flies. I remember so vividly bringing my daughter home. She was premature and in the NICU for 17 days, 17 of the longest days of my life. How can it be time for her to step up on the school bus and drive away? I’m just trying not to think about it much.

Also had a great week for publishing… Got an email from an agent who wanted more information on the Screenplay. That’s the first nibble. She wanted coverage, which I don’t have right now. Coverage is like a review you pay for and get from an established reader. I got one, a few rewrites back. It was pretty decent considering I still had some work to do. I am considering getting another one, but it takes about three weeks so I don’t think it’ll help me with this agent.

On the book side, my new friend and publisher Spring Lea is reading my novel. She emailed me after only eleven chapters to tell me she was really enjoying the story. She said I am having a little trouble with commas! HA!! Go figure, but she is willing to work with me on all that. I am excited to get her feedback. Hopefully it will lead to a published book, but even without that giant step, any improvement on my writing is so helpful.

I should have more time to write here in the near future. With both kids attending school at least two days a week. I’m excited about the time; I just need to learn to work in the silence. My faithful Berner, is by my side as I write this in my loft. I have great pictures in my mind about cold, winter days, writing for hours the next great novel. I can’t imagine a better way to spend my time. Thank you to darling Hubby who makes it possible.

Boyfriend Vs. Raccoons

2008-08-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired. Just got back (3 hours ago) from a four-day, three-night, tent camping trip. We took the boat to Blue Mesa. We go every year. This is the fourth year; with a fifth year we don’t count before we were married.

This was the first year we were attacked in the night.

Let me start by sharing a story about a friend of mine who just went to Yosemite. Very aware that Yosemite is Grizzly Bear country, she found herself at an outhouse by herself. Thinking fast, as any good outdoorswoman would, she kicked the outhouse door before walking in. A thrashing animal sound, answered her kick.

Her call of nature (okay, she HAD TO PEE) was so great, she decided to confront whatever was thrashing about. She threw the door open in front of her, standing safely behind. (Not like a Grizzly Bear could just throw the door aside and EAT HER!!)

Luckily, no bears bounded out, only goats. Yes, goats were taking up residence in the outhouse. My friend did her business and then locked the intruders out. As she walked away, (gloating at her quick thinking) the goats were butting and ramming the door trying to get back into the home they were so rudely evicted from.

With this story in mind, plus the fact we live in Mountain Lion and Bear territory, I was more than a little panicked when awakened to an intruder in our campsite. Sunday night, our first night, I awoke to the sounds of plastic rattling and feet tramping about.

I thought my sister or her boyfriend were up. I was wondering what the hell they were doing waking me in the middle of the night. After reflecting on the fact I never heard the zipper on their tent, I decided to investigate. I unzipped our tent and looked out. It was pitch black, I saw nothing, but continued to hear the sounds of trampling and rummaging.

“Is anybody up?” I asked timidly into the night.

“Nope, we’re not up.” My sister answered from her tent.

“WADE SOMETHING’S OUT THERE, GET UP!!” I shouted at my sleepy husband.

“What? What?” he answered groggily.

“It’s a raccoon,” my sister’s boyfriend responded. He was quicker to the flashlight than my love, and he flashed his light on the BIGGEST RACCOON I HAVE EVER SEEN!!

The little devil was sitting on our camp table devouring pistachios as fast as he could. Apparently, New Boyfriend left the nuts out. As a punishment we made him chase the little devils off for the next two nights…

Let me just say, raccoons are very similar to Gremlins. We could hear them snarling and growling from our tent as Boyfriend, tried to chase them off. They're dirty little suckers who got everything muddy, from the table, to the towels, to my hat sitting on the table, to the boat, which they apparently jumped into as Boyfriend tried to evict them.

The second night, after chasing off a herd of raccoons, I heard Boyfriend retreat back to his tent.

"One of them bit me," he said.

"Nuh, uh..." sister responded.

"Drew blood," he muttered.

Boyfriend had to leave one night early, jumped on his Harley with blood dripping from the Coon attack. Hubby prepared himself for the Raccoon battle our final night. Funny thing was, without Boyfriend around, no Coons showed up. I seriously think they were there only to mess with him…

Hubby says next time he’s packing a 22.

Boyfriend Beware!!

Breaking out Sofie

2008-07-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

I am reading the book WRITING THE BREAKOUT NOVEL by Donald Maass. It's fabulous. Donald Maass owns his own literary agency. I am about half way through it, in the first day.

He has tons of good advice, which instills in me confidence in my finished novel, as well as ideas and thoughts for the next one.

I've had an idea rolling around in my head for some time now for the next novel. There are parts of it that scare the hell out of me so I've been procrastinating. First of all, it needs to have a Vietnam element. That's the only way I see it happening. Not being from that generation, I feel inadequate to write about it. The part I need is from the prisons. I have read and done a bunch of research but still, writing about it like I own it is different.

Anyway, after reading the first half of this book I heard my little voice. I think I need to name her...Sofie comes to mind immediately. (I realize that sounds pretty nutty, the rebellious teen I used to be says, uh...whaat-eveah!)

Thanks Sofie.... remember it's a first draft...

Her scream was the deafening sound of pity, grief and atonement, which shook the foundation of the house and sent all the birds and creatures outside into a fervent escape. She knew instantly she would never stop. It didn’t matter that the curly headed toddler next to her was crying. It didn’t matter that the blood was seeping into the carpet, spilling from the open wound. Falling to her knees in front of her dead husband, all that mattered were the words she’d never say, “I’m pregnant.”

The look on his face was surprise, as if the bullet felt differently than he’d expected as it ripped through his skull. Her ears were still ringing from the blast and now the screaming... the screaming, as if coming from someone very far away. She reached out instinctively, erratically stroking the man she had loved half of her life. He felt warm, real, familiar. She covered her mouth with the back of her hand, knowing in some far off place, she must stop, but she couldn't. Not until the neighbor came. Shocked and horrified, scooping her off her knees, dragging her from the room.

Twenty minutes later as the paramedics loaded her onto the ambulance, she finally asked in a confused, drug-induced state, “Where’s Maggie?”

“Your…um…Mother,” replied the paramedic, Joe. This was his first call. Not of the day…ever. He had past the test last week. Today was Monday, his first real day of work. Nothing could have prepared him for this first call, his introduction to tragedy and horror. He had been nervous all morning, afraid he might not be ready, but it wasn’t until he wiped the dead man’s brains from his wife’s face he realized, he’d never be the same.

Too quiet to think...

2008-07-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

I’m writing a new script. It’s a romantic comedy. I love the concept; it actually came to me in a dream. There are also some really funny parts. Or at least I think so… but right now I am struggling to get past the mid point.

Page 50. Midpoint. Something great should be happening by now. Is it??

Usually, I am writing with my kids around. They constantly interrupt me. Asking for snacks, fighting with each other. Just coming up to say hi! I always wonder how much easier it will be to write when they are at school full time. Something I will experience soon enough.

Well today, they are at their grandparents. It’s 2:00 and I have had the entire day to myself. It’s really been nice. I’ve had no TV on. No radio, just sitting quietly me and my computer and this new story unfolding. But you know what???

It’s too quiet.

I can’t figure out where I want to go next. The little voices in my head are staying quiet. Thanks for nothing. The TV is calling me… come sit down, watch me…do nothing…you’ll love it.

I procrastinated through every blog I could find to read. Read the news clip about Randy Pausch. He’s the guy that wrote the inspirational speech about dying. Well, he died. And spent a while trying to find friends on myspace. I have only five and one of them is the Tom guy…

So why is it so hard to write today?I guess I’m just used to thinking amidst the chaos. I miss the kids. What a pity. I guess I can’t let them go to school after all. Poor little things. They need to stay home and help their mommy become a great writer.

I hope the State will understand why I couldn’t possibly let them go to school. I need my noisy little muses.

WASPS!!!

2008-07-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

got stung by a wasp this morning. little boogers. apparently the wind knocked down their home and now they are swarming by my milk box. lovely little things stung my foot when i went to get the milk. i haven't been stung in 30 years...still hurts! going to the dentist today too...hope this is not some sort of a sign of things to come.

An Exercise in Sound Effects...and Life.

2008-07-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

So…I’m going to do my best to make this sound funny and entertaining, even though it’s been a very VERY bad day.

This weekend, my darling dog (yes, the same dog) my little 11 mo. old Berner, developed a nasty cough. Hmmm… Really almost the sound of a hairball being expelled out of our evil, hateful, cat, Fish (no, not a catfish…our cat named Fish). HACK-HACK- GASP-KACHEESE! Nothing comes out.

Heavy panting followed, HUFF HUFF HUFF GAK KACHEESE. Seriously… either he’s hot…or he’s HOT!! It's 85 degrees in my house and he wears a seriously heavy coat. So for the past two days, I’ve told myself- he’s hot!

Well this morning, my dear pet, decided no mo’ food. Yep… the human garbage disposal broke. The dog that will eat anything…I mean anything…will not eat.

I know, it’s even obvious to you, who only know this dog from a random blog spot, he needs to go to the vet. But, I couldn’t tell my husband that. We just spent a BAZILLION Dollars on his shoulder surgery. I procrastinated. Maybe he’ll feel better soon. He’s not throwing up. Look… he just WOOFED at the neighbor…GAK KACHEESE...I’m sure he’s fine.

KLUNK! (That’s the sound of my brain as I throw my head back in disgust) I KNOW HE NEEDS TO GO TO THE VET!!

So, I take him. All starts out fairly well. Vet tech tells me she thinks he has Kennel Cough. Fabulous. I have no idea how he could have contracted that, but OKAY! It’s better than the alternative. Actual Vet is in surgery, leave puppy behind, we’ll let you know. Wonderful! I go home and research Kennel Cough-

Then the Vet calls. “His throat’s pretty swollen.”
“Really?”
"Yeah, I want to take an X-ray but he’s pretty freaked out. I’ll have to give him a sedative.”
“Yep…listen…we’ve already spent a lot on this dog. I really want to know what’s wrong with him, but less is more. You see what I’m saying?”
“I know.” Sympathetic, but is she really hearing me???
“I thought it might just be Kennel Cough?” I say desperately.
"Well, it still could be, but with his history, you said he eats everything in the yard?”
SHIT. “Yep, rocks, sticks, Barbie dolls. Pretty much everything.”
“I really think we should take a look.”
“Okay. Let me know.”

For two hours I paced. The phone rings… here’s where it all goes bad…
“Well, I put him under, and as soon as I looked, I could see. He had a HUGE abscess. So much pus. I wiped it away, but we were in jeopardy of him choking to death so we had to intubate.”
OH CRAP! The cash register in my mind was keeping track, CHA-CHING CHA-CHING! Darling Hubby is either going to divorce me or KILL ME! If you find my dead body with a dog collar in my hand, there’s no question who the accused should be. (hear the ditty from Psycho...can't figure out how to write that...)

Long story, short…yah right…dog swallowed something sharp. Cut his throat and now it’s infected. Good news is he’s fine. I got him home. He’s on painkillers and MAJOR antibiotics but he’s going to be just fine. And I still love this dog. Hubby on the other hand, SNARLED and GROWLED when he walked in. I am on my third glass of wine, he is on the back porch GRUMBLING to himself, but trying desperately to be happy with his wife and her pets.

This is life, the life that we created. I know we don’t have tons of money. We have two small kids and one income. People and pets…get sick. All we can do is our best to take care of them. I know, he knows it, and I know he’s happy to have his family (although he would be one dog shy, if it were up to him). Life may be a bowl of pits as Rodney Dangerfield said, but I tend to think more like Carl Jung; There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. I know the meaning of the word…happy. (Cue the VIOLINS)

Laugh, Chuckle, Chortle

2008-07-14T08:08:00.000-07:00

From Webster’s New World Dictionary: Laugh- to make the sounds and facial movements that express mirth, ridicule, etc.

Webster’s New World Thesaurus: Laugh- chuckle, chortle, guffaw, laugh off, snicker, titter, giggle, burst out laughing, shriek, roar, beam, grin, smile, smirk, shout, die laughing, break up, crack up, howl, roll in the aisles, be in stitches, see also smile.

That’s all I have done for four days.

Thursday was book club night. Picture 12 women sitting around a table in the backyard chuckling and chortling until they pee. That was pretty much the book club. And just so you know, the book really wasn’t funny at all…

We were drinking Mojitos, which I am pretty sure helps the giggle abilities but it was also just a bunch of happy, funny people.

We laughed so hard and so loud that some complete stranger popped into the backyard. Some guy heard our laughter, knew it was a bunch of women and HAD to come over. All that did was make us laugh harder. I mean please! If a woman heard a bunch of men outside, I don’t know, ummm… drilling and hammering. Do you think she would HAVE to drop by? This man looked a bit like a bad Santa and when he told us about the last time he went to the gym… well you can imagine, my Mojito shot out of my nose as I howled and rolled in the aisle!

So then Friday, my neighbor invited us over to try some yummy wines and meet her brother who was in town. All I can say is the entire night was full of shrieks, roars, and howling laughter. (In case you haven’t figured it out, I am trying to use every one of the thesaurus words).

There was some story about a snake… I can’t even tell you why it was so funny, it just won’t translate, but I looked across the table and my darling husband was crying he was laughing so hard and this is not a man who laughs enough! My stomach hurt, I guess that’s what it means to be in stitches. We were only planning on staying an hour tops! Five and a half hours later we drug our hysterical butts out of their house.

I like the term die laughing. There can’t be any better way to go. If it were at all possible to die from laughter, I surely would have departed this weekend. I recommend laughing as hard as possible as often as possible. It makes you feel so full of life. Thank you to all my friends who made me laugh this weekend! Loved it!

PS. Just saw a beautiful brown bear walk through my front yard. The dogs were inside so he wasn’t scared away as usual and I got to watch him for a few seconds. I love that I have bears in my front yard! What a great day it’s going to be!!! Heres a picture of the bears, I didn't take it and it wasn't today. This was about a month ago right up around the corner from me. I think it was this brown one that I just saw.

Grumpy Dragon Wins!

2008-07-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

I think I wrote a while back that a publisher was reviewing my book. It is a small, relatively new press and while a friend recommended her to me, I really wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. Well this week everything fell into place.

I have been very positive lately about my writing. I made an image board. I took pictures or images of things that I love or want in my life and glued them to a big old white board. I have God in my center. Under that I have a beautiful picture of red roses. I not only want more flowers in my life but this signifies love for me, my family’s love is very important to me.

Next to that is a big wad of cash! Truth be told money is not that important to me, but I am married to a guy who can not rest at night unless we have an abundance of savings. We are a cash only family, when there ain’t no cash, there ain’t no stuff. His happiness is what that money represents to me.

Above that is a picture of New York. I really, really, really, want to go. Up above all of it is a picture of a bunch of butterflies flying through the rays of the sun into a blue sky. Butterflies are a symbol to me of my sister, and my family. They look really free and beautiful and the picture reminds me a little of Heaven.

There is an old calligraphy pen and the words “Just Write!” Below that are dark shadows on a rippling river. The movement of a rock recently thrown through displaces the reflections of the trees around. Throughout the entire picture are images of butterflies in bright colors, pink, green and purple. This picture depicts my imagination; the thought that anything can be, if I create it.

Under that I have created a book jacket for The Spirit of Denial. I LOVE IT! It’s the title with my name under it and a black and white picture of twin babies. This is my book published, in my mind. And right next to that is a picture of a hand reaching out with a small bright blue Christmas present on it. This picture symbolizes Giving Away Christmas my movie.

So this publisher that has my book is called The Grumpy Dragon. After she took my book to review it, I stupidly asked a question of a blogger who is an assistant to a literary agent. I asked if she thought going with a small, unknown publisher was a good idea. This person took my question and went on a little public rant about The Grumpy Dragon that was less than flattering.

For the past two weeks I have felt terrible. I imagined the publisher reading the blog and being angry with me for causing it to happen. Finally after making my board and really thinking about putting good energy out into the world, I realized I had to apologize to her even if she didn’t know it had happened.

Well I did, and she didn’t. She had no idea about the blog. I pointed her to the link and waited to hear her reaction. It’s here if you want to read it but please make sure you read the comments too so you can see what The Grumpy Dragon responded. http://rejecter.blogspot.com/ SHE WAS AMAZING! She defended herself eloquently to the blogger. She absolved me of my guilt, recognizing that it wasn’t intentional and she still agreed to review my book!

I don’t know what will happen from here. I do think if nothing else I have made a valuable friend. I know her review will be tremendously helpful to my writing. I actually think we may be a perfect fit. She is new and small, but so am I! I have no idea what I’m doing; I am leading with my heart and my desire to have my book published. She has a desire to grow her company and publish books. I know this shook her confidence, my confidence waivers all the time. Who knows, maybe we will help each other and end up getting everything we want. I actually feel like this entire thing was a step in the right direction.

The World is Conspiring in My Favor! I know it!! (Its a little hard to see, but this is my writing loft. I painted those words across the windows.)

Picture Me

2008-06-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

I just did this fun 12 Images Meme I found on Coyote Underground. It's pretty fun here are the rules...

The concept:

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.

2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.

3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food? right now?

3. What high school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. What is your favorite drink?

7. What is your dream vacation?

8. What is your favorite dessert?

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. What is one word that describes you?

12. What is your flickr name?

Here's my mosaic: I love it! I love visual things and anything with Jefferey Dean Morgan in the middle is fun! Next to the pic are the links to the individual pictures on Flickr. Click on the picture to see it bigger!

1. Sarah and Susanne, 2. Eid Mubarak :), 3. Diary, Saturday 9th April, 2005, 4. Gizmo, 5. Grey's Anatomy Premier Tonight!, 6. Sunset Wine3　　ice cream float:), 7. anini beach, 8. day 58: creme brulee, 9. Day 106 - I am a librarian, 10. Joy of life, 11. her passion was influenced by imagination, 12. suz tattoo

None of that Sissy Crap

2008-06-24T18:45:00.001-07:00

I was just sent this in an email from a relatively new friend. I love her, this is so funny, and exactly the kind of friends I am looking for.

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off.

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.

Karma

2008-06-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

A good friend recently asked me, about Karma. It seems whenever tragedy strikes, people who are not at all involved like to place their opinions, beliefs and observations on the situation. I have found this to be all so true in our own situation. From the complete strangers on the 9news.com web blog to well meaning acquaintances everyone has an opinion. I have an opinion and I’ve decided to share.

First of all, I do not intend to force my opinion on anyone who chooses to read it. Secondly, even though I have what I believe to be a well thought out position, I am not so close minded that I can not hear or evaluate others opinions on the subject as well. I think this is a very important factor to being an intelligent person. The bottom line is NO ONE REALLY KNOWS!!

With questions of religion and personal belief, it is always nice to have an open mind. The only way you will ever know that you are right and say, the rest of the world is in fact going to hell, is after you have already died. So, lets just say for the sake of my own soul, that this is my belief and not a judgment on anyone else.

I believe in GOD, and I believe in Karma. What I don’t believe is the interpretation of Karma that includes EVERY reaction is caused by an action. Karma is simply the law of cause and effect. Karma is not and cannot possibly be the chief cause of all occurrences. Even Buddha himself doesn’t believe that, he believes and teaches that there are five natural laws. Karma is only one of them.

This popular thought of late that every time something bad happens to you, you must have attracted it to yourself is ridiculous. I believe in energy. If I have a good, happy energy I am going to attract good happy people to me, and thus create a better surrounding for myself. If I am nasty, hateful or evil, I will also attract those kinds of people. This is not to say that in my happy, positive energy I will not attract a nut or two!

I think I am a good person. I try not to hurt other people deliberately. I take care of my family and I do my best to forgive and live peacefully. I am not a Saint. I yell at my kids, I have been known to fight with my mother, I am not always the woman my husband hoped to marry. But I try! And when I screw up, I apologize and I try to do better next time. I just cannot think that these human errors are going to bring me misery.

I have heard the opinion that Steve being killed that night by a drunk driver was a result of bad Karma. The part I don’t really understand is whose Karma, Steve’s or Lisa’s or the boys, or his mom’s, or the boy scouts, or soccer kids, or mine, or Wades, or the rest of my family’s, or the rest of Steve’s family, or perhaps his friends, because all of these people were affected by his death. We all suffered from it, so is all of our Karma somehow the cause of our suffering?

You can say, it was Steve’s Karma, he died as a result, but that doesn’t make any sense to me either. He died on impact. He didn’t suffer at all. He was actually, in my belief, taken to Heaven where he is eating at a giant buffet with Elvis Presley and Grandpa Stoney, waiting for us to join him. Besides the fact that he was one of the best people I have ever known in my life. He would give the shirt off his back to help another. So no, I don’t buy it.

I like the more simple idea of Karma; I say it to my kids. Treat others, as you would like to be treated. Funny, I think that’s actually the Golden Rule. I know as part of my idea of Karma if I am mean or hateful to anyone, the energy is going to be reflected back at me. It’s as easy to see as a mother who yells at her child and then sees that child turn and yell at their sibling. That is cause and effect. It can be summed up by just saying hurt no one, and work to be grateful for your blessings.

For the people who believe Steve’s death was a reaction of some bad Karma I must say that hurts my family and me, and therefore creates Karma of your own.